I knew it was too good to be true

So much for self esteem.

I had been feeling pretty good lately because I was starting to feel better about my appearance.

One of the things which really boosted my confidence was finally getting to talk with the girl next door, the one I had said was avoiding me for so long because I thought my looks scared her away. A few days ago, I had been pleasantly surprised when I went outside to talk with her to ask about the stray cat she was feeding and she treated me like a regular guy. I finally broke the ice. And last night, I went out to talk with her again and she was really nice.

But I should have known.

Today, she was out there again feeding this cat while talking on her cell phone. She was talking about the cat and mentioned "the guy next door also likes this little cat." There was some silence and she then said "He has a pretty good personality but that's it!"

So, I was right all along about her anyway.

I should have known the way I had been feeling lately was too good to be true.

I don't know what it's going to take for me to finally learn my lesson and accept what IS.

No one ever said the truth can't suck.

So sorry you had to overhear that. Last thing you needed but don't let that stop you or control you. Keep going. The more you accept yourself, the more your inner peace and self-esteem will show on your face and in your eyes.

Whether you believe it or not, your insecurity shows on your face. When that receeds, the good stuff will start to show more.

Keep in mind what Susan said. Don't let what that girl said stop you. She didn't say she didn't want to talk to you, did she? She likes your personality. Hang on to that.

Guy -- there is a BIG difference between "scared of the way you look" and "good personality and that's about it". I'm not saying it's wrong to be legitmately hurt, but MAN. I'm sure at least half of my boyfriends were first attracted to my personality and then secondarily, later, to my looks.

You have never answered a big question that several of us have asked, to my recollection: have you ever been evaluated for body dysmorphic disorder?

I'm sorry you overheard her saying that, and that you're taking it as hard as you are.

Hey (Booberhead) yeah you Gary, I told ya I'm back fat and sassy, listen man without a personality whatca got, a body without compassion, feelings, and love, they way I see it is your in the best shape.
Angie

I agree with Angie! If you have personality but not looks, you'll be fine. If you have looks but 0 personality...eventually people wise up. Beauty fades. Personality is forever.

Plus...how do you know she was calling you "ugly". They could have said something like..."do you like him?" I would answer the same, "Hey...he's got a nice personality...but that's it." As in...it will go no further. Just me, painting the linings silver.

I know you've heard this 100 times before. Don't let others dictate your opinion of yourself. Just because someone else sees you as worthy, doesn't make you worthy. Get the idea?

(((((((((((Isolated_Guy)))))))))))))))

IG -- I agree with 1Day's suggestion that you really don't know what this comment meant because you don't know the context of the conversation.

I teach communication, and a very basic critical tool is that students are not allowed to analyze communication on the basis of their "gut-level" responses: they have to significant social research to understand the social and historical context of anything we anlayze.

I can't even remember all the times I've wound up feeling like an idiot because I overhead something, filled in the blanks from my own point of view, and the "truth" was that my interpretation was so wrong that I was embarrassed.

This is your own description of what occurred: " "the guy next door also likes this little cat." There was some silence and she then said "He has a pretty good personality but that's it!"

The topic might even have changed during that "long silence." As in -- guy next door also likes this little cat."

Friend: "Remember the trouble you got yourself into with Dennis. He loved cats, and he treated you like cats***t."

"He has a nice personality but that's it." (to reassure friend she was not getting herself into trouble again!)

We just don't know what went on during that "long silence." Jeez, 17 minutes of silence on a tape got Nixon thrown out of office!

How many times have you told me that I was wrong about what other people think of me???? Now, I'm turning this around on you and telling you that you have no idea what she really thinks of you. She didn't say anything about your looks. You're jumping to conclusions. You're always talking to me about jumping to the wrong conclusions. You only heard her comment about your personality and it was a great comment. That's all you heard. You don't even know what happened in that period of silence on the other end. Why don't you ask her out for coffee, or over for coffee and see what happens? Please, don't go back to square one, you have made some great strides, don't throw all that out the window because you heard one single sentence about yourself and nothing else. Don't give up yet. Ask her over or out, if she says she can't, ask for a raincheck. If she doesn't work out, she's not the last woman on the face of the planet.

If you give up, does that mean you're telling me to give up too?

That wasn't a case of jumping to conclusions. I mean, it was pretty obvious who she was talking about. It only hurt because I had a sense that she really liked me. Had I never talked to her and heard this, it would have been just another one of countless comments I've either heard or had told to my face such as "you're a nice guy BUT". (I could write a book on rejection quotes) I'm now 43 and I can't live my entire life being just friends with women. I'm human and I would like to know what love, affection, and other things are like before I die. I have the saddest gut feeling it will never happen. It's not like I'm 20 and saying this, I'm in my 40s and that is pathetic.

Anyway, the last thing I want to do is start another situation like the last time. Every person who's responded to this has shown that they really do care and it means a lot to me.

Im glad your feeling possitive I'm feeling like the proverbial fool right now, my self-esteem is lower than snail slime, but I'm going to build a protective wall (boundries wall) so I won't feel this way for long, and only some of you will have the password to come and visit me
Angie

As I heard it she DOES like you. She enjoyed talking to you and thought enough of the experience to tell her friend about it. What is the response you REALLY want? For a beautiful woman to immediately be swept off her feet by you, knock on your door, take off her clothes and then rave about you to her friend on the phone? - Of course you do! All men do! It is merely a matter of the probability this will happen, which much to our mutual disappointment is low. Deep down inside we guys wish that life was a beer commercial and resent that it has apparently passed us by. Besides even if this did happen you wouldn't want to be with a girl like that - what is given so quickly, is just as likely to be taken away as easily. Take her comments as a validation of your personality and use it as an opportunity to polish your communication skills with her. Besides, quality women will often find men more attractive as they get to know them. Maybe you should start paying attention to all the nice-looking women you see with plain-looking men - they must have a good personality too huh?

Angie, why do you feel like a fool? You're no fool to me.

Can't say I'm feeling positive but at least better than yeaterday. They say there's stages with dealing with something such as a loss or condition one can't change. I've been in the denial stage too long - the recent false sense of confidence (thinking I ever had a chance with the girl next door, for example). I have to move to the acceptance stage but I can't accept that. Talk about a no win situation.

TMD, you slipped in there while making my reply to Angie. Sorry.

Anyway, the response I wanted was not hearing what I did, that's all. Also, my sights aren't set only on pretty women. That's hardly the case. As I've said in the past, even the the unattractive ones have no interest. I've never even had the experience of having a woman I wasn't interested in show interest in me. That says it all.

When you see nice looking babes with average Joes, there's always a reason. Usually the guy has $$$ or he is turning her on with drugs.

Wow. You seem to have a really low regard for women that there must always be an ulterior motive for them being with men. Maybe the problem is that you isolated yourself so much you haven't learned to trust others.

Low regard for women??

That's a pretty heay accusation and I wish you'd explain more what you said.

Unfortunately, there are SOME women (Not all, get it?) who will use a guy for the reasons I mentioned in my last post. Geez.

Thanks for your support too.

Should have known it was a @#$^ing mistake to come back.

Allow me to interject , IG has worked hard for where he's at and he has a very high regard for us ladies here, at one time we we're very hard on him, he has risen above this and made impressive strides here,
Gary, your next door neighbor needs another chance maybe she made poor choices in the past and her friend on the phone was reminding her of this, so that might be why she made that statement, but like I said before Booberhead, ya got to have a personality
Angie

NO IT WAS NOT A MISTAKE to come back, one person should not make you feel like snail slime, go to Septembermorns post on Ooops ! hehe,
Remeber all your words to me sweetie,

T MD this is a self-esteem support forum NOT a slam ppl , we need support, encouragement, not ppl being critical, if you are supportive share

Hello again IG:

Several things strike me as I read this thread:

1. You get as much attention and genuine input as anyone who posts on the Forums, perhaps more than quite a few. You share authentically – and you receive back authentic feedback.

2. Your emotions seem to ping pong around quite a bit. Example:
post #125317 “Every person who's responded to this has shown that they really do care and it means a lot to me.”

A mere two hours later, you wrote, post 125350: “Should have known it was a @#$^ing mistake to come back.”

As in past cases where your emotions have pitched around, one person triggered you while many more offered support.

Now, I’m not judging you for this!!! I recognize the pattern because I am like this, too. I think all or most or a lot of us with low self-esteem challenges are like this: there can be an Hallelujah chorus of a hundred voices in the background singing our praises but we tell ourselves – Oh, that’s just because they like to sing. They are nice to everyone. They don’t really mean it. And one person in the audience coughs and leaves and we think – There, that is the one person who knows the truth about how awful I really am. We don’t know if the person left because he’s an emergency room surgeon who was called to the hospital, or because she needed a drink of water, or a hundred other explanations – it’s all about us and our faults.

I’m glad you’re back.

Surely you can’t believe that it is a mistake to return where you have so many friends and well wishers.

Also, as LMo asked in her post: “You have never answered a big question that several of us have asked, to my recollection: have you ever been evaluated for body dysmorphic disorder?

Keep coming back, IG.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Gary)))))))))))))))))))))

Ditto, Angie! I thought the title of the forum was specific enough but I guess this guy either doesn't understand or can't read! This forum is to <font color="red">BUILD</font> not tear down any self-esteem we might have!

You're right, Angie, "we roar"!

Can I call you "Iggy"? I've started thinking of you that way. I hope you don't mind.

I've been giving your post a lot of thought and have come up with some things that might help.

Ya know? Having self-esteem isn't going to give you killer looks, ok? First place to start is to accept your looks, even if YOU don't like them. You are who you are. This gal said you have a pleasant personally. Listen to THAT, take it in, make that compliment YOURS. It's a big part of who YOU are. DON'T listen to the "but". Discard it. Look at yourself in the mirror, smile and say "I have a pleasant personality." That makes you so much easier to be with than killer looks and an arrogant attitude, which most good looking guys have, anyway. Or at least, that's been my experience. Somebody else probably has a different experience than I do. So you see? It's all subjective.

Say to yourself over and over: <font color="red">I HAVE A PLEASEANT PERSONALITY.</font> when you say that.

The more I know you, the more I like you.

((((SeptemberMorn))))

Thank you.

And same here. The more I know you, the more I like you too.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
That wasn't a case of jumping to conclusions. I mean, it was pretty obvious who she was talking about. It only hurt because I had a sense that she really liked me. Had I never talked to her and heard this, it would have been just another one of countless comments I've either heard or had told to my face such as "you're a nice guy BUT". (I could write a book on rejection quotes) I'm now 43 and I can't live my entire life being just friends with women. I'm human and I would like to know what love, affection, and other things are like before I die. I have the saddest gut feeling it will never happen. It's not like I'm 20 and saying this, I'm in my 40s and that is pathetic.

Anyway, the last thing I want to do is start another situation like the last time. Every person who's responded to this has shown that they really do care and it means a lot to me.

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You misunderstood me. When I said you were jumping to conclusions, I meant about you saying she doesn't like you. She never said that at all. She said you had a great personality. Well Gary, THAT'S what you need to start a friendship. Looks won't get you a friend. A friend is someone you can talk with. You can't talk to good looks, but you can talk with someone with a great personality. For her to see that in you, she is also saying that she likes talking with you. The best romantic relationships are first built on a friendship. You're NOT a bad looking guy as you think you are. There are plenty of people in this world who have a SO who are not attractive. How do you think that happened Gary? You have to start by being a friend. What good is a relationship if you can't talk with a person. Relationships are built from personalities. You have to start there.

Gary, I really think you need to go for therapy to help with your self-esteem. Your appearance is only one portion of who you are but you're making it the most important. If you could exude more positive vibes, then that in itself would make you more attractive to people regardless of your looks, which are not as bad as you make them out to be.

Is this woman, who clearly likes talking with you, who hasn't rejected you, that you are rejecting out of fear that she will, worth throwing away all the positive changes that you had made recently? I think you are looking for a romantic relationship before you are looking for a friend but it doesn't work that way. You need to start with friendships. Some friendships can blossom into more but you are giving up before you can even nurture this acquaintance into a friendship.

If you're giving up, which you clearly say you are, I guess that means I need to give up too!!! Geez, and I was hoping that someday my own life may change. I guess not. I guess I need to give up too.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Im glad your feeling possitive I'm feeling like the proverbial fool right now, my self-esteem is lower than snail slime, but I'm going to build a protective wall (boundries wall) so I won't feel this way for long, and only some of you will have the password to come and visit me
Angie

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Angie, I'm so sorry you're feeling so low right now. I hope that you give me the password to visit you but then again, with me always residing in the darkness of the abyss, maybe it's not a wise idea. Only you can decide. I sure would miss you though. I really hope you're feeling a lot better soon. Don't let my negativity enter your space. The last thing I would want is to either keep you down or bring you down further. ((((((((((Angie))))))))))))