[silver_queen]

I was IMing with an online friend of mine earlier - who has survived abuse herself - and she tells me that there is such a thing as 'unintentional abuse'. Now I always thought that abuse was always intentional, and designed to hurt... and now I find it might not be so. Opinions, anybody?

I agree. I think some abuse is because our parents or others are ill themselves. If they had better communication, coping, parenting, survival skills they would do better. Unfortunately... sometimes it is unintentional although it is still abusive. I have a hard time figuring out which is which.

[Kathyanita]

there are acts of Commision when it is premeditated or designed or impulsive but punitive- and there are acts of Omission- such as parental emotional neglect and emotional abandonment and non-recognotion. Rather than the frustrating task of assigning blame the victim can spend the mental energy on the question : how do I proceed from here?
I am writing this answer also to remind myself of the ever evolving present.

[silver_queen]

I think you're right, EV. I had never considered that unintentional abuse existed until my friend mentioned it, and no doubt parents and caregivers can unwittingly start it, even if they have the best of intentions. Like you say, factors in their lives which make things more difficult can turn disciplinary behaviour into abuse.

[silver_queen]

That's a very good answer, kathy. If abuse did occur, it's moving away from it and healing from it that is most important, rather than dwelling on it. It's a really good point, kathy. Thanks for posting that.

[January]

All of you have made the most wonderful comments.

I completely agree that there is unintentional abuse by parents, care givers and other well intentioned adults in authority. The abused are children, spouses, lovers, friends, neices, nephews, animals and heaven knows what else.

As the abused, we must work on our own healing. We need to be very proactive in our healing. We must be your own best friend, and that is a very, very hard task. Remember, whether the abuse was unintentional or on purpose, there is not and will never be an excuse for abuse.

Jan

[silver_queen]

Those are good points, Jan!

[Kathyanita]

Also I think as far as forgiving- it is the right and option of the abused or victimized to decide wether or not to extend that charity- BUT first it must be allowed to be recognized, the victim must be allowed to voice protest or fear or sorrow and loss and then with recognition that the hurt was real (recognition for sources that dont have to include the offender) comes the recognition also that we have an option of forgiving or excusing.
That is our human right . Whats traumatic about trauma is the lack of any meaning and confirmation by our fellows in society.

[silver_queen]

You're very right about that, kathy. It's a good observation.

[silver_queen]

Fury - it's ok, don't worry, you're fine about talking a lot about your family here, and I really wasn't talking about you when I posted this thread: it was just something I had come across that I wasn't aware of before. I would appreciate contributions here though, if you'd like. kathy was saying that you have the choice of forgiving the abuser or not forgiving the abuser - and that both are ok. So if you don't want to forgive your mother for the things she's done, that's fine, don't feel guilty about it.

[kimmydawn]

unintentional abuse? interesting theory. i believe that to possibly be the most difficult abuse to heal from. chances are if it's unintentional, the abuser is unaware and, subsequently will never seek atonement and/or forgiveness.

best thread i've seen in quite some time. extremely thought provoking here as to why it may be so extremely difficult to heal and/or move past. it makes me wonder about the abusers and actually how much pain they're aware of inflicting. does it make the pain less than that of deliberate abuse? does it mandate instant forgiveness upon awareness by the abused? does it matter in the end? the abusers who inflict unintentional abuse will more than likely never be able to own or acknowledge the abuse, thus leaving the abused attempting to heal with little or no validation or explanations. further adding to my own belief that healing must come from self alone...for self alone.

N

[silver_queen]

N, I think that's a really good answer of yours, and I agree with all the points you raise. So that doesn't leave me with much else to say... lol. I especially agree with what you say in your last sentence ... "healing must come from self alone... for self alone". That's a perceptive comment, and I so agree with it. But like you say... for unintentional abuse, one could always doubt that it happened... and would never get validity for it either. It would make healing, even for self, harder...

[(JD)]

.... Excluding those who intentionally abuse --- Parents, and other adults, really do try to do their best. Don't you? We all do try to do WHAT'S best... certainly when we have a chance to catch a breath! It is no different for "our" parents: they do what they think is best. The fact that THEY MAY NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING doesn't negate their efforts. That what they did might have been really bad.. sigh.

As others may have stated, parents who themselves were not raised properly - or neglected, or abused - themselves have a tough time not passing the syndrome along. It's all they know. And it's only this generation that really uses an option of whether to have children or not... but as you go back through the generations you find less and less options or control.. and sometimes bad situations became more unmanageable with the onslought of children.

With that said, I doubt that there will be less (child, esposal) abuse because of today's society being so materialistic and peer pressure run... and the ignorance or maybe the idea that "they'll make up for it later" surfaces.

As for forgiveness... yes, that's as much for our beliefs as it is for our own healing. To be able to understand that we don't know the WHOLE story might assist in reaching that platform.

[Kathyanita]

but theres also true sadists and meglomaniacs and humans without the capacity for empathey. And its a patriarcal society still. 1 in 4

[SweetCrusader]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
We all do try to do WHAT'S best... certainly when we have a chance to catch a breath! It is no different for "our" parents: they do what they think is best.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Not all parents really do try to do what's best.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
As others may have stated, parents who themselves were not raised properly - or neglected, or abused - themselves have a tough time not passing the syndrome along. It's all they know.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Actually, tho, MOST people who are abused DO NOT go on to abuse. I don't think having been abused oneself is any kind of excuse or justification.

I know some people abuse unintentionally, but some people abuse very intentionally and that does severe damage, too.

Just my two cents

[(JD)]

Yes, sweet, but obviously (if I use your reply as a guide, and it's probably good) I wasn't clear.

I'm not discussing those who abuse unabashedly and purposely. The thread is about unintentional. What I mean is that, say ..like someone else suggested... a parent uses spanking as a disciplining technique.. or whipping with a belt...because that's the way it was in their home, and it's ALL THEY KNOW. Maybe they, themselves, were not abused...but "knew better" than to err where it would result in a belt whipping... then they might very well use the same method on their children.

And, yes, if a parent was harshly disciplined and never saw proper discipline, then they too could pass that along to their children (improper discipline) without realizing it's destructive force. (because they never were taught a good method.)

(((hugs)))

[silver_queen]

This is a good point you've brought up, Sky - about unintentional physical abuse. I was thinking more along the lines of unintentional emotional and psychological abuse, and I hadn't really thought of the fact that unintentional physical abuse can and does take place. Thanks for drawing attention to that, Sky.