[JulieBean]

Because i have never before in my life accepted that i have been abused. For the first time in my life... with a bit of hesitation, i can say that i have been physically, emotionally, and sexually (on an emotional level) abused. Its like this wave of realization that i've never had before. I never recognized it. First with my parents physically and emotionally... and once they stopped it was a guy who abused me more emotionally then my parents ever had, and sexually on an emotional level... which is a bit odd to explain, and still have a hard admitting that part to myself... because it was more that i was manipulated into it, i had said no... but not at the particular instance in which he had manipulated me... (if thats at all followable, lol) is that a step, then? being able to say that i was, in fact, abused? I had said it a couple times regarding the situation with my ex in the General forum... but for the first time, when talking to someone, i was able to say that i was abused. And for the first time, i've recognized that i have been abused all my life... and that almost shocks me... like i didn't know it before. i feel too normal at the present time to have been abused all my life! its so surreal. I don't feel like i've been abused.... not now at least.... im too normal to have been abused. But i can say it now... as much as i still don't feel like it could be real, i can say it. I was abused. Oh how surreal does that sound.
~Julie

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist

[mickey]

Juliebean, I know exactly what you mean. I was abused for 15 years in my marriage. I never really thought of it as that, at the time. He did get physical, slapping me, pushing me, but not daily, and not in major rage. Only mild anger. I never thought about it. He was a master manipulater, he could turn all my thoughts around. Always talked down to me. I never thought I was so weak. I see abuse in movies, etc. I didn't relate to it. For me, I woke up when my 10 year old told me about it. I took him and I to counseling, the counselor wound up sending me to someone else, telling me I am abused, telling him he is abusive. Totally stunned me. Now I do know, and I am healed, he is gone. Everyone who knew us, said they knew how bad he treated me, but didn't want to get involved. I wish they had years ago, but thats o.k. I am very happy for you. I hope everything keeps going your way. We are the normal ones, they are the ones with the problems. Thats how they work, we fall into it because we don't think bad like them. We don't second guess them, because we can't imagine being that way to someone.

[Zenobia]

When a child grows up in an abusive family it seems normal to her because that is all she knows. I went from neglect in my first family to neglect in my marriage and didn't know that is what I was doing. There were times when I hurt so much that I wished that my husband would hit me so that I could leave him because I couldn't call what was happening abuse.
Carrie

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos

[radio_flyer]

Interesting post. I, too, never recognized abuse in my family or relationships. I had to ask my sister and brother about how life was at home when growing up, because I had no idea how I was raised. My sister-in-law asked me not to ask my brother anymore questions, cuz it was making him very depressed. I still don't know and can't find my life as a child..But, I have moved on.. I guess it isn't necessary for me to know.. I just don't understand why I couldn't recognize abuse in my adult relationships. You would think one would be observant as to how others live and see that how one is living isn't right.. You would even think that one would know tht black eyes, fractured bones, etc, just isn't right.. But, I didn't.. Makes me feel sooo stupid to have not recognized it before I was middle aged. I know not to hit others, but didn't know it wasn't ok for others to hit me.. Isn't that just so weird? Gosh, it wasn't until I was in my mid 40's that I learned about setting my boundries and that I even had rights as a person.....I have recognized that I don't have feelings related to any of the abuse in my life. I can see it, but I can't feel it.. I thought I was just a positive type person, but guess I was also blind to some of the realties of my life...

[JulieBean]

wow, (((radioflyer))) yours is a much deeper story than mine... but at least i've realized it now while i am still in my teens that i don't wait so long as you have. One time... someone told me [regarding my ex boyfriend] friends don't treat people like that... and i thought to myself "they don't?" it was exactly as you described... i had considered him my friend before and after we went out.. but the abuse persisted, and i didn't think i had any other choice than to take it. But i know what i've gone through, and i can remember it without anxiety. That is the best feeling in the world.

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist

[cas]

as you were writing you were letting out deep feelings, wondering if others would be able to understand. as i write you, i have the same feeling of hope that i will make sense. the abuse must stop. i have found two ways that are helping me prevent the abuse from happening again. i hope it continues to work. it is so hard!!!!! are we big poster signs walking around saying "willing victims?" what's up, why? here is what i do to prevent further abuse? first, if i see one sign of abusive behavior, no matter how slight, i don't give any excuses. i am out of there. second, i try to let go of the guilt, so i can get back in the game of love and life. this will make me a happier and better person for the people that i love THAT ARE REALLY IMPORTANT. third, i keep the abuse clearly in my mind, and then say "i don't deserve that"! hope some of this may help you too. does anyone have more insight?

[ltlredvett]

Julie, as I read your post it really struck a nerve with me. Becasue, I realize now that I was verbally and emotionally abused in my marriage for years by my ex wife. I would try so hard to please her, at first because I loved her, but later out of fear. I wanted to please her because if I didn't she would flip out on me. When we were first married we both worked at a large university. We only had one car back then and I can remember a knot in my stomach if my job held me up even for 10-15 minutes causing me to be late to pick her up. Or, later sitting in a meeting at work not focusing on the task at hand because I would be worried that she would be angry with me because I was late. As time progressed I realized that nothing I ever did was good enough for her. I worked hard and contributed a great deal around the house, but it was never enough. She never had to do laundry for years, because that was my job and I rahter enjoyed doing it and loved the fact that I really thought I was an equal contributor to the house chores. I knew for a fact that I did more around the house than any of my male peers. But, it was never enough. Even though I did my tasks without complaining she would always complain about getting groceries or fixing dinner. Over time I was robbed of my self esteem and my self worth. There is only so much "beating down" one can take. As the relationship started unraveling the verbal abuse escalated. She would start to threaten that she was going to kill herself. Or, if we had a fight she would threaten that she was leaving for her parents. She never did,, but just the threat of it was enough to get the reaction she wanted out of me. She would attack me. She knew just the right things to say to make me feel my worst. She would compare me to my father. My Dad left my house when I was 15 and never really was the greatest Dad after that. And, she knew how much I loved being a Dad and knew that was the most hurtful thing she could possibly say to me. She would flip out if things didn't go her way. I will never forget the Christmas that we couldn't go to her parent's house because of a snow storm. She ranted and raved, and cried hysterically. All this time with our kids in the back seat. It was rediculous as we went back home and we had a good day. But, we always ahd to go through the emotional upheaval for nothing. This would happen time and time again, emotional outbursts over lifes little curve balls. This on top of the belittling and threats. It was too much to take. So I left. Devastated without my kids I made such a series of poor decisions and poor judgements that the depression that started when I was with her was full blown. I tried to break the cycle but I have been on a path of self destruction ever since. I thought I was on my way to breaking out of it having met a wonderful woman. But, my depression eroded her trust and she thought the worst of me, so I am back to square one.

The bottom line is that kind of verbal and emotional abuse is the most devastating, pwerful force that you can imagine. And, it takes so much from you. I am sorry you had to deal with that. No one should.

[Serenity]

Huge hugs lilred....I think I jsut found my ex husbands sister in your ex wife....so hard to explain that fear and dread they can make us feel...but Ive been there for many years and I understand....Hugs Vette....a kindred spirit
Serenity

[Eva1nder]

Hi...I was married for over 10years...it became abusive after I had my son, but I didn't realize it.

I had a hard time realizing how it was happening ...how it could happen and to this day I question it.

I question the fact that he's still capable. My therapist would say when his behavior would turn "odd" and "things" would happen....WHY would you think he's not capable?

I don't know why ...I just don't know how this could happen. It was hard and it's still hard to understand that I was abused by my once best friend.