[wi_fighter]

I made an appointment with one of the Harbor House counselors for Wednesday. I had been talking to one of the other counselors on the phone, but she kept pushing me towards the groups even though I know I'm not ready for those yet and kept telling her that. She said she only does one-on-one now and never offered to do any more sessions with me after the initial one. So I called the main number, not the outreach. The outreach center counselor called me this morning urging me to cancel the appointment because they don't know if they can help me. I want some help on how to go in to mediation and voice my concerns without my ex steamrolling me and getting me to whimper in the corner and agree to not ask for any changes. I told her I really need to talk to someone, and not in a group because I know I'll monopolize the session. She agreed to keep the appointment.

No one seems to get it through their heads that I'M SCARED OF THIS MAN. It doesn't matter that what I'm trying to do is in the best interest of the children. HE TERRIFIES ME.

I come in here and people tell me to suck it up. Or someone else who doesn't even know my situation tells me to drop it and not use the kids as pawns. Or the counselors think that because I can manage to hold myself together for 50 minutes that I'm not in need of assistance.

Today, I feel like I'm just a big old burdening sack of %#@&#! who doesn't deserve help if the one place that exists for people like me is trying to get me to cancel my appointment.

i'm sorry that you're not getting the help that you need and if i've done anything to make you feel bad, i regret it. i'm glad that you get to keep the appointment. let me know how it goes....xoxo pat

[wi_fighter]

Pat, you didn't say anything to make me feel bad.

I just need some support and the shelter people went and made me feel guilty for asking for help. I need to suck it up right now, and I can't.

[wisewoman]

You don't have to suck it up. I wish I could go with you to the counselor. And mediation. You are strong inside. Meditate on a good outcome and your being your best imaginable self. Good luck.

[wi_fighter]

WW, how do you negotiate with a controller? I'm starting to wonder why I'm even doing this any more. The things that are a problem aren't something a mediator can help with. It's been court ordered, not something I requested.

My daughter said tonight that she's sick of him pushing her to be something she's not, trying to make her into his idea of perfect. I swear the girl has been in my head the last few weeks, because she said out loud a lot of the things I've been thinking myself. He's doing the same things to her that pushed me closer and closer to the edge. But I can't go in to mediation and ask him to stop forcing her to do things, things that he doesn't think he's doing.

There was a change in visitation because of his fishing trip next week. The kids were going to be with him two weeks and then me two weeks instead of our usual week on/week off. My daughter decided she'd rather stay with me three straight weeks. His fishing trip falls on a week when they're scheduled to be with him, so instead of it being him/me/him/me, it would have been him/me/me/me. He decided to make it him/him/me/me except for Mother's Day weekend when they came by me and then went back to his place Monday. My daughter was upset because he made that decision for them. He did it because HE wanted to see the kids not because they wanted to see him, and because it would even out the visitation days so I couldn't go to court with one more example of how he willingly gives up time with the kids for his own social desires. He never does anything in the kids' best interests, but what's in his best interest. If I go to mediation with these claims, he's going to twist it around to look like I'm making things up

She called him from school saying she was going to stay with me and not go back to his place and would he please drop off her clothes. She called me and said what happened and said he told her he had to talk to me first but she could do whatever she wanted even though he'd rather she come back there. A few minutes later he calls and tells me that he'll let her stay the night, won't bring her clothes, and will call her after he gets home to try to convince her to change her mind. Now, I don't get this because before his girlfriend moved in he had told me (on the phone of course, so no proof) that if the kids didn't like the situation once she moved in that they were free to live with me full time if that's what they wanted. Now, by his actions, he's taking that back. Since we're in the middle of court proceedings, any change in visitation will mean he'll be made to pay child support, something he's fought vehemently the past five years. During the divorce, he'd even said so much as "If you try to get any of my money, I will drag you through the mud and you'll never see your kids again." He had her in tears tonight on the phone because he was so against her not wanting to come back there. He thinks it's because she doesn't want to ride the bus because a boy is harrassing her. She can't tell him it's because of how he's been treating her. When he's mad at me now, since being served court papers, he won't do anything directly to me. He does things to hurt the kids, to put them in the middle and make me feel like I'm the one who's trying to play one against the other. I've been trying to keep them out of it, but tonight, after my daughter said the thing about him pushing her to be something she's not, I finally said "I lived with him for 18 years. I know exactly what you're talking about. That's one of the big reasons I wanted the divorce." She's 14, I think she can start learning a few of the details, especially when he's replaying the same actions with her.

Mediation is next Thursday, the 19th, with a male mediator. I'm so unprepared for this. The letter they returned with the meeting time says that in order for a successful outcome we are to go in with open minds and a willingness to change our position. My position is no drinking when the kids are there (he's been convicted of driving while intoxicated 2.66 times over the legal limit), no physical punishment, letting me have 100% control over their health needs (or at least not be met with a brick wall because he doesn't believe in doctors and doesn't want his kids talking to counselors) and I want first chance to be their babysitter when he can't be with them because his babysitter choices are less than acceptable to me (deciding to throw a party and playing drinking games after you said you would babysit is not my idea of a good babysitter, and now this same person is living with my kids).

I'm losing my grip on why I'm doing this. Mediation services are telling me to basically back down. The abuse shelter is trying to turn me away from one-on-one help since I'm not in immediate danger. A new member came in and told me not to use my kids as pawns just because I hate my ex. I'm starting to think I really am nuts and overprotective and it's perfectly fine to raise kids in a household where alcohol plays a major role and hitting or threatening with future hitting (as in, "don't make me get the belt again") is thought of as acceptable punishment.

[eskielover]

Whoa wi_fighter,

No one should have to put up with what you are going through. He sure is putting mental abuse on you & your kids.....totally unacceptable. Going into mediation with an open mind is necessary, but it is also necessary to know exact details of what you are expecting & to be strong on your stand. (I went through a mediation on the horse suit I filed). You have all the truth on your side I really don't see the necessity of an open mind with someone like him. He seems to be so manipulative & controlling & is probably going into it only with what he expects. So sure of himself that he would never lose. THe is the kind of person you need to put up a good united frount against. If your daughter sees what he is doing to her, that could be good because you understand her, & she will understand you better since you share the same feelings.

It is important for you to go into the mediation very well prepared. I hope you can demand a one-on-one session or as many as it needs to get yourself mentally strong enough to know exactly where you are, any small things you may allow for compromising on (which I hope are few), what you are willing to accept . Seems like this should be only what is good for your kids & we know he isn't interested in them other than a way to keep money away from you & hurt you in any way possible.

I can understand some of what you are going through by having a pasive/agressive husband for so long, the agressive still comes out, but blames me for reacting that way, so everything is my fault no matter what. Also the frustrations of finding someone that can help me being told that either they are too busy, or they don't know how to help, or they think I am just fine because I sound that way....oh the number of excuses I've heard.

I hope you can get all the help that will prepare you thoroughly (no second best type of help) so you can make everyone else see what is best & safe for your kids. Please don't give up even a little. It does take a lot of strength, but I hope there is a real survival instinct inside you to get the help you need & be able to fight (even though mediation isn't supposed to be a fight) this intimidating jerk you are forced to deal with.

I'm behind you 100%,
Debbie

[wi_fighter]

Thanks Debbie. What you said means a lot to me. I'm sorry you have to put up with some of the same things. It seems like even the abuse shelters, who acknowledge the seriousness of verbal abuse, put us on the back burner because we aren't dealing with cuts and broken bones.

I was just thinking that maybe the mediation service chose a male mediator for us this time instead of a female so my ex doesn't feel he can so easily intimidate a woman. Maybe it's a good thing. Any time we deal with a woman and he doesn't get his way, it's her fault, she shows favoritism, "he heard" she always rules against the man, etc. It can never be that maybe he's just an *** and doesn't deserve to get his way every damn time.

[mel020377]

Wi_fighter,

I have never been in your shoes. My heart goes out to you. I was a child of divorce, however. My dad did the best he could for us. He came to see us when he could, if he couldnt make it he atleast called. It was my stepdad that pushed us, and my mom didn't do anything.

I know that I am younger and less experienced than some, but I have kids also. I can tell that you are hurting sooo bad. I don't feel that in any way you are using your kids as a pawn. If you 14 year old daughter is telling you that he is making her something she isn't, then you have every right to fight for those kids. Not just the kids, for yourself! I have a feeling that he does these things to make you cower down to him. He gets pleasure in seeing you torn up and frazzled. HE is sick!!!!!! This is my own opinon and of course my own thoughts. I have been reading your posts and the whole time I am thinking I wish I could come take you by the hand and just walk up to him and let him have what is coming to him. lol!!! He needs to realize that he is the one that is hurting his kids. Why can't he see that!!!!! What a jerk!

SOrry if this offended you I didn't mean it ugly

[wi_fighter]

Thanks mel. You didn't offend me at all. You actually brought a smile to my face at your suggestion of walking up to him with me and letting him have what he's got coming.

All I have to fight him with is the court system, and when he doesn't get his way, he takes it out on me by using the kids - not paying for things that he's supposed to, doing this thing with changing his mind every 10 minutes about whether they can stay with me or not, calling them and getting them upset because he's disappointed with their school work and then leaving me to calm them down when I'm just as pissed off as them at what he did.

The kids need a GAL so they can be heard. If I back down to his intimidation in mediation, they won't get that chance. Even if it means they might say things about me that I don't want to hear - like "Mom yells at us sometimes when she's mad" - they need to be able to speak up about what they want. Their dad doesn't want that to happen. He even tells them "Don't tell anyone that I hit you or I'll go to jail." He's hit my daughter with a belt, threatened her a few days later that he'd hit her again, and then tells her "Oh, you didn't get that bruise from me hitting you, you got it from bumping your back on the table, remember?" How can he possibly think anyone is going to fall for that supposed line of events?

This man's quest for self preservation at all costs is beyond my comprehension when he puts his kids' well being behind his own. On the surface, he's this upstanding guy, but in private he's a textbook emotional abuser. Still doesn't make it any easier to stand up to him.

[mel020377]

I came from a home where a belt was our punishment also. i had bruises from the middle of my back to the back of my knees not to mention around my upper arm where he would hold me down. I have NO patience for that!!!! I refuse to use a belt on my children. I tried once and I saw in my daughters eyes the look that I know was there every time he grabbed me. I lost it. I feel to the floor in tears. Maybe some one should turn his belt on him.

I know that it is hard to hear, but you have to be strong!!!! I know its hard. Those are your babies!!!! Fight for them, dont give up!!!!!!!!!! My kids tell me that I yell at them when I get mad, yes it makes me sad to hear it. But I could never think of hitting them out of anger.

Good luck and I am here if you need to vent