[Troy]

10 years old.

Before school, at recesses, and after school the bullies beat me severely and took off my clothes on the playground so they could spit all over me. Cuts, bruises, and black eyes were my normal look. Everyone knew it. The teachers sometimes watched from the windows.

After being in trouble in class one day I found out that acting up in class got detention for recess and lunch period, so I latched onto that as a way to save my life. Every day, the teacher kept me in detention, but she had to stay with me and occasionally would not keep me in. I could arrive late to avoid too much hassle before school, and I could run from the school at the end of the day. But it was important to get detention during the day.

Teacher became more and more frustrated. One day she took me to her office and locked the door and paddled me with a huge two handed paddle - holes in it the size of quarters. She was furious that I would not cry.

For a few days I wore cardboard in my jeans to protect myself, but when she discovered it she went berserk. Unbuckle your belt, she yelled, and she jerked the cardboard out. Whack. I still would not cry. Drop your jeans. Whack. No crying. Step out of your jeans and drop your underwear. Whack. No tears. I was bent over. I had my hands on my private parts for protection. Whack. Bleeding knuckles. Mover your hands, you little bas****.

An electric shock went through my whole body when she hit my testicles and I fell against her desk, but no tears. I was not going to let her win this fight.

As I fell against the desk I looked down. I saw the blood on the floor from my bleeding knuckles and then I saw the holes in my socks.

The holes were so embarrassing I did start to cry. Uncontrollably. I sat on the floor sobbing and covering my feet. Of course there were holes in my socks. The soles of my shoes were worn through. One sole was taped to the top so I wouldn't fall on the flapping leather sole. The only shoes I had and she made me take them off.

She sat in her chair and made me stand in front of her while she tried to get me to promise to be good in class. I would not talk. Then she tried to get me to say I would not tell anyone because I would get a belt whipping from my dad if he found out that I was bad in school (and she was right, it happened everyday my parents found out). I would not talk.

Then she said, it was all your fault, you know. And besides that you really liked it didn't you. I would not talk. She said, you know how I know you really liked it? I would not talk. She said, I can tell you really liked it because you have a hard on. Can you imagine. A little boy 10 years old. And she laughed. And put her arm around me and tried to hug me. I couldn't get away from her.

Someone was at the door so she made me get dressed quick. And remember your promise not to tell, or it will be worse next time.

We went back in the classroom with me wiping tears from my face. She started to teach and write on the board. All the kids were watching me. I made a huge spit ball, and when she turned I threw it at her face. All he kids laughed. They howled. And I laughed with them through the tears.

She wiped her face and said something like. Remember your promise.

The next day was almost the same, but when we returned to the classroom, I did not throw the last spitball. When we went to her office the third day, she locked the door and just looked at my belt buckle. I knew what she wanted and took off the jeans. And she only gave me one whack with that paddle with the holes in it. And then she sat in her chair with me half naked in front of her and she hugged me and told me all would be ok if I would behave in class. And she always looked at my little 10 year old penis and laughed. You really like this don't you.

I thought I had won the battle by not crying. But she won the war. She won the war. The tears and panic are uncontrollable as I remember this. Like that first day as I sat on her floor trying to hide the holes in my socks. Only now, the terror is accompanied by guilt and knowing that I could have avoided all of this, that it was my fault, and that I should have told someone.

When I read what others have been through, I feel like such a wimp. I feel stupid for letting this affect me all these years later. I feel that this teacher is somehow connected to the horrors of combat. And the guilt multiplies.

You can imagine that triggers for me today include socks with holes, paddles with holes drilled in them, the number 10, and the words she made me write over and over and over thousands of times, "I am sorry ..."

From this teacher I learned one thing. When you go into battle, make sure your socks have no holes. They can cover your body with whelts or shoot you full of holes, but you won't break down embarrassed about your poverty. She won the war. *tears

And there are plenty of tears for each of you who read this ... tears and anger against those who hurt you. I apologize for being such a wimp. Thank you to the couple people who have listened to me try to tell this in chats. I am so afraid of posting it in this public place. I'm no longer in control of this secret.

I will try to leave this post up if I can hit the submit button.

[onlymedid]

Troy, I am sooo sorry that happened to you. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. That teacher should be very ashamed! She WRONGED you. She disrespected you. She took away a part of your innocence. That is NOT fair.

I don't think your a wimp, nor do I think you should feel stupid. This affects you however it affects you. There is nothing wrong with you and I completely understand your feelings.

Please, go easy on yourself and remember that you were only 10...what could you have done? You already said you'd get in trouble at home if you told. You were scared and you had every right to be.

I'm sending you safe and gentle

BJ

[Blue93]

Wow troy heavy stuff...
Im really sorry she did that to you...
Remember you were only 10 it is not your fault no matter what you did or did not do
She belongs in jail...
Leave the post up ok?
Big step by posting this well done i know hard it is to do that
I hope you can talk to someone in real life about this someday
Maybe someone in chat first
anyways well done

Blue

[Kiya]

Yeah - that is heavy stuff -too hard to hold on to for all those years, glad you can write about it and let it out.

I am just appalled by what that teacher did to you - and all the other teachers who let it happen (them all watching the other kids hurting you, and you know that teacher talked in the staff room). They all should have been held accountable. And the fact that they knew you were being hurt at home.... soooo unacceptable.

You'll be stronger for getting the poison out.
((((((((hugs if you want them)))))))))

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Troy))))))))))))))

[iamtwilight]

You're not a wimp. You wrote about it, you posted it. It takes a lot of courage.

Abuse always affects people. In different ways for different people, of course. This is how it affects you.

It's not easy to overcome things like this, or abuse in general.

I can't say anything the others haven't already said, but am sending safe hugs also.

[Troy]

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

hELP ME keep this post up here. I should prob ablyu add to it instead of taking it down. The teacher should have been jailed. After we got into the routine and she established her authority, there was usually only one whack with the paddle. The paddle just became a way for her to get me undressed. A threat to control me because she knew i was hard to control. The "whippings" at home were not brutal llike the paddle. I ws never undressed for the whipping, but those punishments were also a contest of wills. Can I make him cry.

I remember only one time was I undressed for home punishment. The teachers reported taht I had stolen something at a school event. I didn't steal it. I bought it. Maybe this was the teacher's way of showing how she could control events at home. I don't konw for sure. What I do know is that I was required to go get a switch and then get undressed (still w underwear on) and I was switched all over my body. Red stripes stayed for days. I had stolen other things where I was not caught, but I did not steal this thing. So, I deserved the punishment, but it was for the wrong thing. I did cry. From anger and from pain. but i did not steal it.

After that... since i was branded a thief ... I proved that i could be a good thief. Maybe this is what you call punishing forward. I grew out of stealing, but I continued long enough to use up the punishment.

*tears... why should this affect me still. I am sorry.

[alyssa_angel]

YOU are not, and repeat NOT a wimp troy not in the slightest, what happeend to you was wrong, and it shouldnt have happend, i wish i could comfort you but all i have are words

not a wimp

xxxxx

[Blue93]

good you left it up
you cant keep this inside forever
better to try and let out bits and pieces when you can
so well done

blue

[I_miss_my_kitty]

[Kiya]

(((((more hugs if you want them))))))))))

[Troy]

Hugs R Gud...ty so much.

[onlymedid]

Troy

[GoodMama]

Oh, Sweetie, I am SO sad you had to endure this ... and I am furious that anyone like the person who hurt you could be called a teacher.

I'm sure I cried along with many others who read your post. You are so BRAVE, and much STRONGER than you think, to share your story with us! I think it will take awhile, but I do believe by sharing our troubles, we let others carry part of our burden. I know you will feel some relief for getting it said, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

There are many people here who have been abused as kids. Some of their stories are beyond terrible ... but let me tell you something, Troy. There are NO DEGREES to abuse. YOU were just as abused as any of us and you are NOT a wimp!

You were one year past 9 years old. You weren't an adult, you were a KID, with a KID'S feelings and knowledge. We don't expect KIDS to know everything OR be able to do something about the bad things that happen to you.

When you think back to the abuse it's with an ADULT MIND ... but the horrors are those of a child. The two "minds" become entwined ... your adult brain thinks of all sorts of things you could have or maybe should have done, and you forget that you only know these things NOW because you're older.

You are NOT STUPID! You are NOT a WIMP! You WON, damn it ... YOU won, not her. I'm old enough to have lived in the generation where what comes around, goes around started and I believe it! You need to believe it, too. Here you are ... BRAVE and STRONG. You have nothing to be ashamed about, Troy , YOU did nothing wrong! And as there's a God in Heaven, that ***** is gonna have some 'splainin' to do if she ever gets to stand in front of those pearly gates!

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sure it was a very difficult thing to write but I also believe it will be cathartic ... a purging, by sharing, of some of your troubles. Now you can let us carry part of your burden.

God bless you, Troy!

GoodMama

[Justgiving]

I have read this post and the other one before you have deleted it and I think that you are a very strong person with an extremelly good good heart. You are so much worth more then all these teachers put all together. They are nothing compare to you. You have won because they couldn't destroy the goodness of your heart. They were the losers from the start.

Take care!

After reading your post.. I am held in awe of your courage...

courage that you had as a child... courage that you have as an adult..

the strenght of will you displayed as a child.. and the will to survival

to endure such terrible abuse..the strength that you had to face this time after time ...

you won.. not just the battle when you were a little boy - you won the war..

that teacher was a nothing.. a being of unspeakable cruelity...

and I have tears in my eyes for the little boy who went thru so very much...

[cajun]

Wow, that was very well said Troy.

[Cyran0]

Troy, I personally connected to the stuff you wrote about bullies. I was severely traumatized in school. Nose broken, ribs cracked, bruises, etc. I was the ultimate social outcast and even the kids who were teased steered clear of me.

I'm so sorry you went through all of that. Teachers turned a blind eye to my problems (or at least, threw up their hands) but I'm so glad I didn't have to go through the hell you did.

Talking about it, therapy, all of it helps.

Be safe.

Cyran0

[darkeyes]

((((((((( Troy )))))))))

I just read this now, I'm so sorry to hear of this horrid treatment/torture you recieved by this lunatic teacher.
She should get jailed!!!
Again, I'm so sorry to hear about the stuff you have endured, no one should ever have to go through this.
Please take care now,
DE

[Typo]

(((Troy)))

[Sprite]

I have talked to you already about so good luck keeping it up and good luck with other stuff we have talked about.

[I_WMD]

Geeeekers ,,,,,,,,,,>>>. At 10 years old ??? Where were your adults in your life >>>. at the school for the BLIND ???????

You would think all the days running late as for not getting to school on time so as to get detention ,,, Not to mention the bruises and black eyes being the norm .

And then Daily Paddleings at school >>>. Corpral Punishment was outlawed [ even if administered by the school principal ] When I was in the I not sure but >>. 1973,,,, and the sixth Grade I got a paddleing with the holes in it too. .... I lived in the Deeper Like South >>> where they were just recognizing certain peeps as to being able to sit at the whites only Counter ..... Where the K.K.K. was still holding marches.

Man ,,,,,,,,,,,,,, If My Butt was beat that much I AM SURE SOMEONE would have noticed my reluctance to sit . !!!!!

And YOU blame yourself ???????????????????????

Bleeding Knucks don't heal in hours ,, and ya have to eat with a fork or spoon daily .
Who the HECK missed all this ?
Sorry the holes in your socks take precident.

I've seen ya in 21 room ,, so by the grace of ??/ You made it this long ,,,,Shame Adults never see the obvious .

[Troy]

This teacher is the one I saw watching from the windows. She knew why I needed the detentions. And she put her hands on me to comfort me after she whacked me with the paddle. And said all the time, "you like this, don't you?" How many others were her victims? Sometimes our silence does hurt others. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Blue93]

Don't blame yourself for what she might have done to other kids. She is the one who was doing these things not you.

[Troy]

You like this, don't you?" -- she wasn't the first but she was even more violent than the bullies. And I didn't react the same way with the bullies no matter what they did. She knew how to manipulate me.

I missed the bus almost every day so I would have to walk to school and be late.
After school I ran from the playground into the woods and took long way home so the bullies didn't know where I was...until they caught onto that trick...and i suffered the consequences of it too. And I spent lunch time in detention. It scares me that maybe I did like it.

Part of the detention reminded me of earlier times, when I was 5 yrs old and abused by an older cousin who caused me and his sister to do things. It seemed like a game, but somehow I knew not to tell or I'd get my mouth washed out with soap again. Promise you won't tell... or you'll be in trouble.