multiple triggers, si and abuse. need help

need help tonite....really feeling down right now.

Need to cut tonite, don’t understand why such a bad thing feels so good. I don’t get it. I don’t know why I even started. Its like drugs. Its so like drugs.

Euphoria is wonderful. Unfortunately its from bleeding, not from exercise or reading a good book or taking a wonderful nap. For my my euphoria is the feeling of a burn that’s so bad it blisters, or bleeds. Or the feeling of sticking a box cutter in my skin. It’s the feeling that I crave tonite. Hes gotten to me again. AGAIN.

I ran into HIM today. On my way to go out for a bit. then it got cancelled....figures..I cant handle the feeling of him just looking at me, calling me crazy and then walking away. I had bad thoughts in my head.. I just took a xanax because my nerves are shot. I just ran into him, after idol chat, I went off on him, don’t know what happened. But I think I called him about 10 choice names. I think I even called him a child molester. And threatened to call dcfs for fear my nephews were also abused. His wife stood there staring at me. I think I shook things up for him… GOOD

He deserves pain, he deserves a lot of bad things. He deserves to have everybody important to him leave him. He deserves THAT.

He sits there happy with his good life content. And here I sit, angry, upset, and feeling cheap and used. Me and my boxcutter. Just after I made my 30 days without si.. I need to get through this tonite. He sits there with no remorse. And yet I blame ME! What is wrong with me? Am I that dumb? Im sitting here in the dark. Its all I know right now. The dark.
I want to drink so bad but I keep telling myself to not drink because then I definitely WILL cut. I don’t have issues with drinking but if im in a bad mood, it just gets worse.

Theres days like today where the darkness gets to the root of my soul. I feel tortured inside and out. My mind is like mush. I cant break away from this. Hes always going to be there. If not in the moment with me, for sure he will always be in my head. I need a job. I need to feel normal. I need to run away. Husband and I are barely talking. Fighting off and on for the last month. He don’t get any of this. He don’t want to hear any of this. He just doesn’t. I don’t know if its too painful or what. Ive never really talked with him about it. Because I know its bothering him. But its causing duress between us. Because I cant handle the way things are going. And hes just as stressed about everything as well…..things have to get better. They have to. I just don’t think I can deal with this right now. Just don’t. Its amazing how one minute you feel great and the other…well you know how it goes.

(((((((((Colleen))))))))))))
I just PM'd....

Thanks jacq.....i owe you what....10 now?

Colleen

You owe me NOTHING. Never will.

Talking to my T. will pm after i hang up.

thanks jacq.

Colleen

colleen i know how hard this is... and yes, he may always be there even in your head... but, you will get to the place where he can't control you... i know that sounds really hypocritical of me because i was stuck in flashbacks last night... and i felt anything but in control... but, i was ok for over 12 years... i had a new issue trigger all the old stuff... my present collided with my past... you can do this...be careful to separate the behavior from who you are... you si... but si doesn't define who you are... am i making sense?... last night i walked outside barefoot...it helps ground me... hot showers do too... just be really careful... i can't do that anymore...lynda

Hey lynda,
I hear you....thanks so much for posting to me. I appreciate it.

Thanks so much for replying. I appreciate it more than you know.

Thanks much....

Colleen

colleen... do you have someone you can call... even if it's just to leave a voice mail... someone who will hold you accountable? for me it's my t... and i hate that he actually does hold me accountable...but at the same time... well you know...lynda

Im actually talking to my mom. She wont let me promise to not SI. only to promise to try to not SI.

Im starting to feel a bit better.

Thanks so much lynda! You are a welcome asset to this forum.

Colleen

i am glad you have her...lynda

((((((((((Colleen))))))))))))

Thanks canders.....

again........I appreciate you getting back to me.

Colleen

you still ok?

(((((((((((((colleen))))))))))))))))))0

Hey lynda,

thanks so much for checking on me. what a great person you are!!! I slept last night. mostly all the night. no nightmares no urges once i fell asleep.. So im happy to report that I AM ok today.

I thank you sooo much for stickin with me last night. All ofyou!

Colleen

Kiya, my friend,

My only hope was that you got some good sleep last night. and are feeling better today. if not, please PM me? this way i can be ready to be up and adam for tonite should YOU need the help. I know it helps me to talk about it. so id be more than happy to sit up with you ok?

Hugs back atcha,
Colleen

hey...are you still doing ok?

I'm still here. Still ok - Colleen, what about you?

im ok. still here. drifted to sleep for a bit. you OK? so tired i need to head back to bed....lol i stink ...im so tired.

but will check online in a bit if you need help..
sleep well you guys.

Colleen

sleep safe

Did you guys sleep at all last night? are you ok?

Colleen

i don't sleep much

how are you?

yeah i slept eventually - sometime near 2 i think. i don't remember some of the posts that i have found my name on - glad my non-remembered self is supportive.

tc everyone today - gotta run to work
k

colleen are you still ok?