[googley]

It wasn't my fault. Why did they always say that it was my fault for not keeping her from getting angry. I could just be sitting somewhere (and often this happened) and she would just start yelling at me and calling me names and telling me how awful I was. Then I was told it was my fault for it happening. That I should have kept her calm. I understand that she didn't have a good childhood, she was abused, but is that my fault? Does that somehow make it okay for her to abuse me. For no one to protect me? To tell her that her behavior is not appropriate? Why didn't anyone care about me? So yes I was a somewhat self centered teenager (but I think I was pretty aware given the situation) but what teenager isn't. Did that mean I deserved the abuse? Why didn't anyone stop it? I hate that it is still dragging me down. I feel like I can't get them out of my life even though I'm no longer living with them. UGH!

[AShadow721]

It was not your fault googley! A lot of abusers want to blame the victim, so that they don't look like the one that is wrong. I'm sure she felt guilty for what she did to you, and so she had to blame you to make her feel better about herself. If the others were also blaming you, it may have been because they thought child abuse was okay and you were in the wrong, or they may have just not wanted her to hurt them too, so they put it all on you. It is NEVER the child's fault, no matter if you were a teenager. You were still a child, one that should have been cared for and protected. She should have gone to counseling for her self, so that she wouldn't have hurt you. She could have learned how to deal with her anger outburst, so that she could have been better to you. You did not deserve the abuse at all, you were innocent and so was she until she decided to carry on the family legacy and abuse you, instead of getting help for her issues. No one stopped it probably because they were scared. When there is family at hand, not many people want to speak up against them. You will work through this someday and things will get better.

[sharon123]

Abuse is a CHOICE....always a choice.

A lot of people were abused as children (like myself), but we became conscious of what happened and broke that cycle.

Hugs, Sharon

[BashfullOne]

I was an abused child, my mother, I thought, was the most miserable person on the face of the earth! I heard it all - it was my fault for being born, for living through what the doctors told her was going to kill me at 3 weeks of age.... I heard it all!

But I finally found peace within when I finally forgave her for all the misery she put me through for years and years; I forgave her for all the issues she has caused me - no self esteem. I even forgave her for passing on her Bi-Polar to me!! I could have been just like her, but I did break the cycle of abuse. Now I'm in the process of trying to heal all the damage that she cause to me mentally and physically. But when I forgave her, really forgave her, I felt so much better! I felt a layer of darkness lift away from me.

Forgivness, REAL Forgivness, is a "healing" process.

I'm a good mother and so proud of the way my two sons have turned out! My husband and I (ME), did a really good job!!

[googley]

Originally Posted by AShadow721

It was not your fault googley! A lot of abusers want to blame the victim, so that they don't look like the one that is wrong. I'm sure she felt guilty for what she did to you, and so she had to blame you to make her feel better about herself. If the others were also blaming you, it may have been because they thought child abuse was okay and you were in the wrong, or they may have just not wanted her to hurt them too, so they put it all on you. It is NEVER the child's fault, no matter if you were a teenager. You were still a child, one that should have been cared for and protected. She should have gone to counseling for her self, so that she wouldn't have hurt you. She could have learned how to deal with her anger outburst, so that she could have been better to you. You did not deserve the abuse at all, you were innocent and so was she until she decided to carry on the family legacy and abuse you, instead of getting help for her issues. No one stopped it probably because they were scared. When there is family at hand, not many people want to speak up against them. You will work through this someday and things will get better.

The sad thing is that she did go to therapy, and it didn't seem to help. There was one session that I was forced to go with her, but all she did was lie. Then I got yelled at about everything I said in the session. I refused to ever go back. It didn't help that when I was able to start seeing my own T she told my parents that my distress was because of "teenage angst". No I don't think it was "teenage angst" that was making me feel suicidal. Lots of help there. . I hate my life.

Originally Posted by sharon123

Abuse is a CHOICE....always a choice.

A lot of people were abused as children (like myself), but we became conscious of what happened and broke that cycle.

Hugs, Sharon

I'm always scared that people are going to criticize me for being mad at my mom for what she did. Somehow that her being abused then gave her a free pass to do whatever she wanted. My dad sure seemed to think that way, or he was just so glad that she wasn't yelling at him as to not care at all what she did. He would stand up for himself but do nothing to protect me.

Originally Posted by BashfullOne

I was an abused child, my mother, I thought, was the most miserable person on the face of the earth! I heard it all - it was my fault for being born, for living through what the doctors told her was going to kill me at 3 weeks of age.... I heard it all!

But I finally found peace within when I finally forgave her for all the misery she put me through for years and years; I forgave her for all the issues she has caused me - no self esteem. I even forgave her for passing on her Bi-Polar to me!! I could have been just like her, but I did break the cycle of abuse. Now I'm in the process of trying to heal all the damage that she cause to me mentally and physically. But when I forgave her, really forgave her, I felt so much better! I felt a layer of darkness lift away from me.

Forgivness, REAL Forgivness, is a "healing" process.

I'm a good mother and so proud of the way my two sons have turned out! My husband and I (ME), did a really good job!!

I don't know that I could forgive her. I'm still being bombarded with these negative messages whenever I have contact with her. Am I supposed to continually forgive her when she does things since she keeps doing the same thing over again. It is not like she thinks she has ever done anything wrong. And no one else will confront her. Maybe I could forgive her if she stopped her behavior or she apologized, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I feel like my anger protects me from having a lot of contact with her and from letting my guard down. I went to my grandfather's funeral a couple of weeks ago and she had the audacity to call me fat. I know she has issues accepting her weight but I am just fine with mine (well most of the time anyway.) It's like she does whatever she can to tear me down. Am I supposed to forgive this ongoing behavior? At what point am I allowed to say "enough is enough"? That I am sick and tired of dealing with her and never want to have contact with her again? Everyone says that good children love their parents and support them and everything. I tried to support her when I was a kid and all it got me was pain and grief. Though without my support she wouldn't have been able to get through. When is it my turn to have support? (besides that one hour a week I pay my T for?) I don't feel like I can trust anyone because I'm always looking for the hidden motive to hurt me. They taught me I can't trust anyone. Because if you trust them they will hurt you.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((googley))))

Hun, it was not your fault but it is what they always want us to think because that way it is not on them. For me, I had to ask for the abuse and then thank them for what they did. Then it was my fault. I was told so many times that I made them do this and that I was a bad girl. So much that I named some within the very names I was called because at that time it was all I knew.

As far as forgiveness, they say it is so you can allow yourself to be set free from them. I was told yesterday by a very good friend that I needed to forgive myself from telling myself that I was bad and at fault. For it was not me just as it was not you. As far as forgiving those that abused us, I do not know what to say. Maybe it is because I am not there yet and I am not sure I will ever get there.

So many times when I am told I need to forgive I ask what I need to forgive for???? I am always told it was not my fault so what am I sorry for???? I do not feel I will ever be able to forgive them. Epsecially when things are still happening. What do you do when the past and the present collide and the past still lives within the present?

Googley, you are okay. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I validate your feelings and I hear you. You are not to blame. It is so hard when you cannot prove anything and those that were there lie. But you know if they did tell the truth they know they would be in trouble. No one in my life will ever admit it. I tell my t all the time and my friend, that I wish somehow I could show them proof. But the proof is looking at me and seeing what it has done to me.

Maybe the proof is really more for me because sometimes I just want it all to go away. I just want it not to be true. Yet, I know it is and so do they. Just like with you, it is true whether anyone admits it or not. I believe you and I care. I hear you about them being abused somehow giving them a pass. So many times I get so angry when anyone brings that up. For I was abused and I did not do that to my children. She had a choice just as we have a choice. I find it hard to feel for her.

I understand that feeling of always looking for the hidden motive to hurt me. And as much as we do not want to think that way, our brains were wired to go there and to distrust anyone. How can we be expected to trust and not think that we will be hurt when the very ones that were suppose to be there to protect us were the ones bringing on the hurt.

We have a hard time trusting even when we really try hard to it is something that hurts. You have a right to feel the way you feel and I get it. I am so sorry this happened to you. But I do understand what you are saying. And I validate that. I really do.

Thank you googley for sharing once again. Right now tears are forming in my eyes as I think about those things I so get that you talked about. And it hurts so much I cannot even call anyone to talk about this. For within we are all feeling afraid. Feelings swirling around that we have felt before, and needing to shut down so no one knows. We love you googley. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[AShadow721]

I suppose she really didn't care to change. I know that some people are so damaged, that they don't want to be fixed because they feel that is who they are. After being given the opportunity to change and not changing, no one can really blame her up bringing. She definitely did make a choice over and over. Did she even admit to abusing you at therapy? I'm sorry. I'm sorry about your horrible experiences going to therapy with her and afterward. It is so wrong that she hurt you for speaking your mind. Of course she would blame your "teenage angst", she needs to point fingers at anyone and anything, but herself.

I will tell you something, my father blames me for everything (and somethings he also blames my mother for, he blames her for only thinking about herself, simply because she wasn't thinking about him 24/7). He blames me for him beating me, he blames me for him yelling at me, he blames me for him sexually abusing me when I was a kid (because I sat on his lap, like any young child would do with their parents that they thought they could trust), he blames me for being angry and scared of him because of the abuse, he blames me for not forgetting about it completely, he blames me for not speaking to him for 8 years because of the way he treated me, and causing him depression, he blamed me for him stalking me after I went to live with just my mother. Now he blames me for the mold in his house, his "missing forks" that were probably dirty in the sink, and drinking the alcohol that he drank. Now he wants me to buy him new bottles. I don't owe him anything. After all this, I realized, he just needs to blame everything on everyone else. Now when he tells me things are my fault, I just say "whatever, okay...". I know he is just crazy and none of this is my fault. This way I let my anger go about that.

After all, when you know the truth that's all that really matters. Our parents can lie to themselves and try to believe that it's someone else's fault, but I'm sure they know it IS their fault. Arguing with them isn't worth it, they'll just remain pointing fingers at others. That way they can validate their abuse in their minds, and try to think they did nothing wrong. After communicating with my father again after so many years, I realize he's not going to change, there's no hope for him. I just have to move on with my life without him in it.

[susan888]

Oh Googley....so not your fault sweetie! Sometimes we get parents that are damaged but Googley, it's not our job to make them well....Even though they are damaged.....it's their job to break the cycle and change that for their children. I wish I had learned this a long time ago...Googley, we can't fix the people we love as much as we would like to, and we can't take responsibility for upsetting them with the truth.

Googley, I have made a lot of mistakes with my daughter because of my childhood....but....I have apologized to her for my weakness and worked so hard to be a good mother to her. No parents are perfect, but in my opinion if you can admit that and own up to your mistakes...well, there is healing in that. My daughter is my best friend in spite of every mistake I made.

Much love to you Googley. You are a wonderful and insightful person. Don't let anyone take that away from you!

Susan

[Sannah]

WHen people are just too toxic you just have to stay away from them.

You can learn how to trust healthy people Googley..........