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#1
Feb 13, 2010, 12:11 PM
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I"m so so very upset and frustrated, it seems like the abuse I endured as a child keeps popping back up, haunting me, stealing moments from me, affecting the parts of my life I hold the dearest to me
 How much more, how many more moments of my life will the memories and emotional scars ruin, steal from me? I feel so much anger towards my abuser, the most anger I've felt in a long time.... he didn't just steal my innocence and childhood, he stole my ability to trust, and he keeps stealing from me...just keeps taking... I know I have the ability to stop it, to not let him have any other part of my life, but there are some moments, just little things, slip up of words, a familar smell, a trigger whatever it may be, that sets me off, I freeze like a deer in the headlights, and that scared little girl that lives in me comes out and takes over, and all I can do is cry and whisper "no" over and over again, complete system faluire.... I feel so horrible, so frustrated, I just want to sit and cry, and I want to make him pay, pay for all the things he has stolen from me, the things he keeps taking, all those little moments, all the little things add up...pile up, make me so so incredibly sorrowful, so wounded and hurt. How much have I lost? How much will I loose in the years to come? I want this gone, I want that scared little girl to go away, to take her tears, her whispering objections, her sad scared eyes I see when I look in the mirror from time to time, just leave me, leave me to pretend, leave me to lie to myself..... It's sooooo frustrating, two steps foreword, another step back.... |
 AShadow721
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#2
Feb 13, 2010, 01:55 PM
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Hi Typo, I'm sorry that you are distressed. Sounds like you are being triggered? You can work on triggering. Are you working on this in therapy? Getting better takes hope and patience and keeping your eyes on the prize. Have you talked about your anger in therapy? Have you done any inner child work?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| AShadow721, Typo
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#3
Feb 13, 2010, 02:21 PM
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I was triggered last night, during a converstaion with bf, he was so upset with himself after what he had said, he kept apologizing, I felt so bad, he shouldn't have to watch his words, shouldn't have to worry about slips of the tounge, I kept apologizing to him and he said "you have nothing to be sorry for, I have a reason to be sorry for not being more consicious of my words, and so does that SOB that did what he did to you" I couldn't help but start crying and feeling like I wasn't good enough for bf, that because of my past I'm never going to be able to be a good partner, he kept reassuring me that I loved him in every way imaginable way and that I was the perfect partner for him, and for the rest of the phone conversation things were fine, but this morning I woke up and during breakfeast it popped up in my mind and I started getting angry...
It makes me angry, in the aspect of I can't have a normal relationship, that in turn what abuser did to me, affects the people around me and my interactions with them. Last edited by Typo; Feb 13, 2010 at 02:52 PM. |
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#4
Feb 13, 2010, 02:30 PM
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((((((( typo )))))))) we understand. We are also trying to figure out how to get the good stuff out of life and not have to always feel the results of the abuse.
We got to have some good in there somewheres :-) |
| Typo
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#5
Feb 13, 2010, 02:30 PM
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The anger is a reminder there is more to do to take back your life from the abuser.
Good luck. |
| AShadow721, Typo, WePow
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#6
Feb 13, 2010, 03:08 PM
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(((((((((((Sannah)))))))))))) (((((((((((Wpowers)))))))))))))) ((((((((((Byzantine)))))))))))))))
I still have such a long way to go, I will be so very relieved to see T in two weeks, I miss therapy, I haven't had a chance to get to session because of all the icky winter weather... I'm kinda of working through the anger, I keep telling myself to not let that one thing ruin a whole six hour conversation that other wise was amazing and wonderful, by letting that anger take control in a sense I"m allowing abuser to take one more thing from me... I just want to heal, to not let abuser take anymore, espically from this relationship, I have had such a hard time accepting love, I already let abuser take so many precious years away from me and being close to my family, I've had to work so hard to let go fo the anger I felt towards them, and to be close, to allow them into my life..... mehhhh....soooo much to still work through...talk bout red tape huh? 
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| AShadow721, WePow
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#7
Feb 13, 2010, 03:21 PM
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(((((((((( Typo ))))))))))
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| Typo
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#8
Feb 13, 2010, 03:22 PM
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Typo - yeah - you said it. Red tape. But you fight on and give me hope and strength. Thank you.
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| Typo
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#9
Feb 16, 2010, 12:52 PM
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Quote:
I actually looked forward to my relationships bringing up issues that I needed to work on. I would really get excited and take the issue to therapy so that I could work on it and make it better. You can't work on issues that you aren't aware of. You can't have a totally different life (at least not until you have worked on it). You have what you have and working on what you have isn't so bad..........
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| Typo
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#10
Feb 17, 2010, 04:10 PM
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Is the abuser still alive? Write him a letter of "restorative justice"---Restorative justice says: This is what you did; this is how it made me feel. It doesnt' matter what the abuser thinks, says or does....ONLY YOUR feelings matter.
I think it is very self-empowering. As children we were not allowed to have boundaries, but as adults there are ways to take our power back. You may want to discuss this with your t...... Anger is a good sign.....it is telling you there is something that needs t be addressed, etc...... Hugs, Sharon |
| AShadow721, Typo
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#11
Feb 23, 2010, 11:09 AM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((typo))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
__________________
In depression . . . faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the...feeling felt as truth...that no remedy will come -- not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. . . . It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.-William Styron |
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#12
Feb 23, 2010, 05:14 PM
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(((((Typo)))))) Two steps forward, one back for a long time to come. I've had long periods when things we okay, but then the most innocent things - a wedding in the family, a memory pops up out of nowhere, reading something, and I'm back in the muck all over again. It does get better, for longer periods of time, but you never know....
__________________
 I'd rather have a visit, note or pretty picture than an "I'll say a prayer" or a "god bless you." Doesn't make me feel better, no meaning to me for sure. Can't stop you from praying and blessing me, and if that makes you feel better feel free.  But keep it to yourself please, don't tell me. And let's all respect each other's feelings. With kindness, support and "sweet dreamings." 
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