Manipulation/Abusers Wanting Pity/Rant

Worst news ever today or yesterday really. My father's girlfriend broke up with him. I feel like I should really be happy for his pain. Because of all the pain he gave to me. And finally after 7-8 months, this woman has realized what a terrible man my father is. I should be happy that she has rid herself of him and his abusive ways. But mostly, I'm in shock and I'm hoping she'll take him back. This is what he's wanted his whole life. This is why he's was abusive to me...I think? Because he's been constantly rejected by women over and over. Well, who would want to be with a man like him? Well, I'm mad at her. I'm so mad. Because now, my father is moving back in. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, he can't!!!!!!! I can't deal with this! How could I??? She put him back in my life where I don't want him or need him, and he could hurt me and my son. Why did she do this to us?

I was hoping he would stay away until I can get out. Even though, he's still, I assume, at risk of this house being foreclosed. And now he has warned me three times in the past week that I need to leave. I'm so mad, because I can't deal with him being here. I'm going to start having more and more memories come back. I'm going to be hiding in my room again. I don't want him around my son at all, let alone everyday. And since, I will try to keep him in my room as much as possible, it is going to anger my father much further.

Not only this, but whenever my father was rejected in the past he has leaned on me for support. Even when I was a little girl and I assume this is how the SA started with him. He is a deprived addict and no one is willing to be with him, because he is a s*** b**. So therefore he had to take it from a defenseless, quiet little girl. Now I know that this needing of support by the adult to the child is considered emotional incest, as I have read in this book I have read parts of. Since it puts the child in a position they can not take on. I am not responsible to take care of my father's emotional problems. I am not responsible to listen to his problems about his love life. and I know that he is going to expect sympathy from me. I know he is only going to mope around, and I'm going to have to clean up after him.

No!!! I've had enough!!! He has taken enough from me. With my soft heart, how the heck am I supposed to guard against his manipulation? He knows how to get to me and get under my skin so that I'll offer him a shoulder to cry on. But I can't do it now, I just can't. He's not my responsibility to take care of. He's hurt me enough, why should I offer him sympathy for his pain?? And now I know he'll ask me for more. For more money that I don't have, for more of anything that he can take from me!

This is what my mother told me about people like him. "They'll suck you dry until you have nothing left to give them, and then spit you out like garbage." This is what he does. He tells a sob story, and then acts like he's crying. He knows then, I'll offer him some money or to cook for him or clean for him to "cheer" him up. He never cheers up and he never acts like I tried to help. Sometimes when he's taken me to the store, he'll get out his money and count it in front of me and then say "sadly" to himself, "Oh, I only have $__." So that I'll buy his food. I'm nearly broke. I'm looking into as many places that could provide me with housing as I can. I may have to look at shelters soon. I can't deal with this. How can I guard against this manipulation?

I was raised by 2 very emotionally draining and manipulative people, my mother and grandmother. I can totally relate! I was agoraphobic from the age of 15-22 (still have some tendencies), so I was trapped. Thing is, once I forced myself out of the situation (luckily I had a friend here in Brooklyn who helped me out... I'm from WA, originally), my family realized that they had to change their behavior toward me or else they wouldn't have contact with me at all. I had to change 1st in order for them to change their behavior... my mom and I are actually FRIENDS now! Unfortunately, you are in one crappy situation having to rely on this man for a roof over your and your son's heads... I know how stressful having a constant threat of losing your home can do to you... it's just unbearable! but if your father is dangerous (it seemed implied as you are voicing concern for your son's welfare), then maybe a shelter is a safer bet till you can find a more stable situation. Your kid's safety is #1 priority. Sad truth is no matter what you do, some people just don't have it in them to change. Once you do get out of your situation, if your father is really that far gone, keep your contact with him to a minimum. He'll either improve or he wont. And don't beat yourself up over the guilt of being angry. It's not her you are angry at, it's the situation. There's a big difference.

AShadow you shouldn't have to put up with this, not you, or your son, or your mom, does he have to come back?, why should you allow him back?, you cant live hiding in your room, that's no life, you have suffered enough, i understand you looking into where ever could supply you housing, i think that's better than putting up with this any longer, but why should you, why should you & your son uproot?, i know no matter how bad the people closest to us can hurt us, they always have a way of getting round us, its not your fault, you do not owe him anything, can you put yourself first & make a stand?, if not for you, your son.

Shadow, good job talking (ranting) about this messy part of your life. Laura2 is right you deserve to not be immersed in this. You deserve better than msnipulation. Do you have somebody to help you plan a way out?

We have to leave, because this house is in his name, and I can not afford it anymore, since my father has asked me for more money than was needed while I've stayed here and never paid the mortgage or bills with it. When I first came to live here he was still living here. He has had the key this whole time he has lived with his girlfriend and has come over about once a week unannounced. He just walked right in and would usually scream and yell and I would take my son and hide in my room. Besides, it will be better for us to leave anyway, since there is no transportation system in this town and I can not drive. I have not been able to work, even if my emotional state would have allowed me to. I have been trying to get to the city with Section 8 housing since April-May 2009. Now, I am trying other options. Although, I still do have an active application with Section 8/Public Housing. I know I don't owe him anything. That's why I have stopped giving to him. Now, he assumes I'm almost broke, he wants me to leave. Because I can no longer benefit him. He could throw us any day. He's already thrown two of his cats out on the street.

I really don't have much of a support system here. I do have one friend who has helped me some by taking me to the store and what not, whom I just started speaking to again a few months ago. Another old friend offered help. They could help me get out, but they couldn't give me place to stay. They are both males and although they both offered me a place to stay, I am uneasy about it. My one friend that lives much closer cannot stand when my son cries and that is a terrible sign. He also wants to be with me in a relationship. He has often said things to me I didn't want to hear, although when we first started talking again, he said he didn't want to hang out with me just because he wanted something from me. My other friend actually proposed to me a few weeks ago. I had told him I was married. But he proposed to me anyway, because of my situation (he is in the army and it would be a good deal, if I wasn't married and in love). It made me very angry. Although, he was offering me a place to live, money, a job, a car, child care, school paid off, health insurance, he was also offering me a life without my husband and I took that as an attack. (Am I dumb to not take that offer?) Either way, my husband would not be happy with me staying with a single male. My mother has a few friends around here. One that offered me a place to stay about a year ago, but my mother didn't think it was a good idea, so I went the public housing route instead. Anyway, yes I believe I have a few people that could help me plan a way out.

i think your so right in wanting out then, with the house in his name it will always hang over you, beggar's belief but as you say he could throw you out at any moment, & its not just you to think of.

I myself would be weary of any conditions/hidden agenda's in people good will, when your desperate it might sound tempting, but you need to look out for YOU, quick, easy way outs always tend to cause more trouble, your instinct's are right, no you are not dumb not to take his offer, you are wise not to be taken in by someone else.

If housing is like anything over here you can wait years, & still get nothing, hopefully this will come through for you long term, but you need support now, your mom's friend that offered you a place, could that still be an option?, why didnt she think it would be a good idea?, has your mom given you much advise, you havent said much how she feel's about it all, how would life be for her if he came back..

My parents divorced when I was 2, and my mother lives in NY now. I live in the central part of the U.S. She has given me some advice. She told me to call several places and she would give me money for a discounted rent if I could find one. She said she would let me come up to her place at a last resort. She doesn't think I would be happy there with her. She would also have to get a new apartment since her apartment complex does not allow children. She's also afraid, because when I went to see her I had very active PTSD. I mean the reliving of the events, panic attacks, anger outbursts, extreme fear, jumping at noises, etc. I still have them now, but the anger and fear of being in immediate danger is definitely not as bad. This all made my mom very afraid. She also has PTSD, so I could understand this. It just hurts to hear her say these things, that she's afraid of me or what I might do, in her mind.

My mother's friend's place may still be a option. My biggest problem with it, which I haven't told anyone but my husband is it's location. It's very, very close the place I was held captive in for over a year. And it is likely that the guy that kidnapped me is still in that area. The good thing, my mother's friend told me is that there's bars on the windows. It may sound bad, I'm sure. But I would prefer a place with bars on the windows. It'd make me feel safer. Well, my mother's problem with it is that her friend is addicted to pain pills and her son was coming back from rehab in a few months. My mother said her son had been violent toward his father.

I have had an estimate of 6 months for Section 8. I've applied twice. I already had an interview and would have started the process of looking for place in October, if I had not mailed in the paper work I forgot to bring to the appointment. And I got an estimate of 12 months at the most for the Mental Health Association. Neighbor for Neighbor can be at least 12 months. I still have more places to call.

i can see why it's such a nightmare knowing which way to turn, bar's on the windows or not, that's tough going back to a place where that happened to you, as you suffer from PTSD could being there escalate it even more?, & how would your husband feel?, none of this is easy, you would think with the protection you & your son need, it shouldn't take this long to get support & housing, its wrong.
You say you have more places to call, dont give up, keep posting

Good luck with your jail break, AShadow.

Hi AShadow, It sounds like you are in a really bad situation and it may get a whole lot worse. The shelter sounds like a very good place to start. Are you still married? I'd look into a woman's shelter if you aren't. Let them know your circurstances and history of abuse with your father. I'm really not familiar with the woman's shelters but I would imagine they do have some type of social workers or councelors that could possibly help expitiate the process of you finding a place to llive. Worth checking into anyway. Good luck and keep yourself and your son safe.

Be well and take care,
bl

I understand all of it. I've been homeless in the past and had to wait for subsidized housing. I know it sucks, but the wait is worth it.
I've been abused too. My abusor was my dad too. I've had other abusors too. They have all been very manipulative as well.
My advice is to cut your dad out of your life. He is nothing but trouble for you and apparently others as well.

Check with section 8 and let them know you are homeless...that may move you up on the list. Hope you stay away from all people who could harm. You do not deserve the added trauma.

laura2, I know I really can't go back to that area. My father took me down to a fast food restaurant in that part of town a few months ago. I wasn't expecting he was going to take us to that one! I was so mad, I couldn't believe he took me and my son down there. I so panicked and was afraid the guy would come in or drive by. It was horrible. I really couldn't live over there. Well, I told him about where it was and he just said something like he hung out down it that area a lot and it wasn't the best part of town. I don't think it crossed his mind that that was the same area I just cannot go to.

bluesylady, I am still married, but my husband is in jail and will be for 9 months at the least to 2 more years at the most. I told the people with the Mental Health Association about my situation and my father. They recommended certain shelters and a place to go for therapy. But transportation to therapy is a problem. I hope they'll keep me at the top of the list for housing though.

Michele, how long did you have to wait? NuckingFutz, the Mental Health Association told me that Section 8 put a hold on their vouchers, so it'll be even longer. But I will try to check with them anyway.

Sending you tons of love. Sorry this is so hard on you. Wish there was a way for the military to help since you are a spouse.

Thank you WePow. Actually, my husband is in prison; my old friend is the one in the military. Sorry if that confused anyone. I can totally understand how confusing things you are reading can get if you're dissociating. Anyway, I usually get my stories all mixed up, chronological order wise, it can be confusing I'm sure.

Yes, my old friend who is in the army, just proposed to me a few weeks ago. I really could not believe it seeing as I'm already married and it had been years since I actually talked to my old friend. I took it very offensively and told him no several times. He kept trying to negotiate it with me. But yes, IF my husband was the one in the military, we would be taken care of. I'm not sure if I wish it was that way or not, because I don't know how I would feel if my husband was in the army, or going to war, that would be scary too.