any thoughts would be so welcome

not sure where to post. I have been emailing and talking to someone across the country. We have talked of meeting, a possible relationship. She is a survivor of rape; physical emotional,verbal family abuse; and is an adoptee. She has been going to counseling.
I went through years of emotional neglect/abuse and then alcoholic stepparent-more emotional crap- have lost 2 kids (11 year old-heart problems, 18 yo hiking accident)as well as both parents(dad died when I was 12). I too have been to counseling. Right now I feel the best I have ever felt(with the help of antidepressants). My concern is some of the things she has done/said. I don't want to go back to where I was, but I know I get so easily pulled in, my wanting to be accepted, loved. We will argue and she will tell me never to call again, and then within a few hours I will have many phone calls from her asking me to call. She doesn't trust me enough to give me her home address. I know these are traits of her past, but how much do I accept before I say enough is enough? A few weeks ago I flew to her area to surprise/meet her-(she had no idea I was glying in)it threw her so far out-scared her? that we never met. I want to support her, I care about her, but I don't want to get hurt-or revert back to my old ways
TI

hi and welcome!

first i'd like to say that i'm sorry for what you've both been thru. between the two of you there's so much pain and loss and i'm truly sorry.

i can see where your surprise visit would totally freak her out. she's a survivor and has trust issues. she possibly has PTSD and lives in fear...surprises are NOT good. predictability and routine are best.

having said all of that. i wish the two of you well. i think you'd have alot to offer each other WHEN you've given everything that self needs...including healing. sufferers can't give the 100% that relationships take. they need to heal and repair self before they can be a whole half of a relationship.

i hope it works, but fear it won't.

be safe and gl.

kd