[Rozine]

Hi,

Hope I'm putting this in the right place...

My father was emotionally abusive throughout my childhood. I have been in a relationship for a number of years and recently identified that I didn't have any boundaries in place. The problem I have is that I am so confused about what is okay/not okay to accept or even expect in a relationship when it comes to arguments. I lack so much confidence in this area that I just go into fear mode when my partner gets angry about something. His anger might be normal but I don't have anything to really compare with. Any thoughts are welcome.

Thanks

Are you currently in therapy? A good therapist can help you identify how past abuse is affecting your current relationships and help you learn to set better boundaries for yourself....

[Rozine]

Hi,

Yes, I did go to a therapist who was great. I don't go anymore. I couldn't seem to sort this problem out in my mind. And, for some reason my therapist wasn't keen to discuss my relationship. I'm sure over time it will become clearer.

Thanks for your reply.

[NuckingFutz]

One of the tactics abusers use is anger/rage because it works so well on the victim. It freezes them in fear as the victim slowly begins to feel powerless. This can be worked through once you recognise the red flags so you can steer clear of these people. Keep working on it.

[Rozine]

Thanks for that! What I'm wondering is could my response to anger be exaggerated because of my past? How can I possibly know if this is so with confidence? The only thing I really have to compare is an incredibly abusive father. My relationship could be 'ok' - just normal arguing/anger. I'm sure most couples argue behind closed doors and then some! (Sorry, this is a hard one to explain.)

Thanks

[Champagne]

Hi Roz, I am new to these forums so don't know if you'll get this.
Congrats about stating the abusive relationship from your dad and the sensitivity that you are having with your partner's anger. You have got courage and guts to let us, here in cyber space know.

Anger is an emotion to express the injustices of evil, hurtful and frustrating actions.
It is scary when Anger, (in fact any emotion), that has been used to manipulate, cajole, ridicule, mock, intimidate, harass, control, persuade, terrorize etc... Is used as a WEAPON to attack. In other words, THE emotion is not being expressed in a way that makes the other feel SAFE.

Do you feel safe with your partner?
Do you feel unsafe with the emotion ANGER?
Do you feel unsafe with the way he overtly (openly) DISPLAYS his anger: loud, thumping things, rambling and mumbling and bumbling?
Do you TRUST him enough to let him know HOW his expression of anger, makes you feel.... (sad, uncomfortable, unsafe, hurt, fearful, confused,).
That it reminds you of your UNSAFE and UNLOVED, childhood.
If he is a truly compassionate, caring and thoughtful person, he would apologize, ask for forgiveness, and try to be CAREFUL when he is angry and let you know that he is angry.

If you have great trust in your relationship, You can try stating the obvious:
"You look angry."
"Are you angry about......"
"Was it very important to you?"
"Can I help?"
" Can I play some music, or make you a cup of tea, or cook dinner, or get some take away or give you a glass of wine, or run a warm bath to help?"
"Should I give you some alone time and come back in half an hour?"

You state that you are CONFUSED. Maybe the confusion is your memory of "when dad was angry.... you were personally attacked, blamed and shamed." You were never PROTECTED from his controlling GAME or his WEAPON.

Now the anger is vented, and HISTORY could be repeating again.... but you are NOT PERSONALLY attacked, blamed and shamed, this time (I am guessing???) because you are still in the relationship.

Your physical memory imbedded in your cellular structure remembers "be prepared to receive the personal attacks and brace yourself for it. Be prepared to fight or flight."

Your confusion is: SEEING Anger vented, therefore where is the LOVE?
The LOVE is ARE YOU SAFE? No hurt, harm, shame, blame, personal attacks?
He OWNS his emotion and is choosing to be responsible and mature about it because He believes YOU ARE NOT TO BE BLAMED etc.... It is something else.

CHECK YOUR STATE OF SAFENESS.

IF IT IS NOT GOOD, IF YOU ARE HURT, HARMED AND BRUISED PHYSICALLY AND SHATTERED EMOTIONALLY INTO FEAR.... GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

Hope this helps.

[Rozine]

Hi,

That was a really helpful response - thanks!!

[Typo]

I have problems when arguing with my partner as well, I often freeze and give in without getting my point across or saying what I want, not because his anger is abusive, or even negative, he handles his anger very well, but because I am so terrfied of anger and I don't know how to express my own constructivly.

I haven't found a real solution to this yet, I just wanted to let you know your not alone in this, and I hope you find the answers you are searching for

Best Wishes
Typo

[Rozine]

Thank you Typo. It is really good to hear that I'm not alone with this.

[Sannah]

Rozine, it sounds like you are being triggered. What I did was self talk when triggered. You need to be able to seperate yesterday from today. When you get triggered you can tell yourself "Okay, I'm being triggered. My fear is from yesterday, from my dad. What is going on right now? Today is not yesterday. Fear go away. Yesterday doesn't exist anymore. I am safe today". This can help you to focus on today. You also need to talk about yesterday in therapy so that you can diffuse these triggers. Yesterday's feelings are still with you until you express them so that you can release them.

[NuckingFutz]

I have also found that reading these forums over a long period of time you will learn first hand what is healthy anger and what is not, what is supportive vs what is not. Hope this helps.

[Rozine]

Sannah, that makes complete sense! The only problem is I've done therapy and discussed childhood issues. It did help tremendously but I suppose this is so ingrained that it just needs ongoing work on my part. The triggering makes complete sense and now that I know that I can do some self talk but the initial reaction is just so immediate and strong.

Thanks!

[Sannah]

Our work comes in layers. You worked on the first layer but now you need to work it deeper. And yes, triggers are so strong and immediate! Keep us posted?

[Perna]

My stepmother's sudden anger/rage was very frightening to me as a child; I had to watch her face for clues and not move a muscle for fear of being hit, etc. Other people's anger was a huge problem for me in my 20's. I once flinched when a T raised her hand (to her own head) too "fast" while she was talking; I was sitting next to her in group therapy (about 8 people) and I thought she was going to strike me!

What helped me was when a boss got really really angry but I knew I was "right" and was just stubborn enough to "stay" and keep talking and explaining my truth. I was scheduled to a particular extra job task but I'd just done my rotation of that task and it was someone else's turn (he was misreading his calendar) and, at first, he wasn't able to listen to what I was saying, just thought I was trying to get out of the job. But I hate unfairness and so I got persistent and eventually he "heard" me and rechecked/quit being angry enough to work on finding a "solution"/seeing what happened/realized I wouldn't be "lying" about what I was saying, etc. and he figured it all out "correctly" and then apologized to me profusely.

What I learned was I didn't die :-) I could live through it even though it was very frightening but, since I knew myself/what I was saying was "right" and stood up for myself, the Right prevailed and I was a heroine, LOL.

Now, I'm able to listen to what the other person is angry about better, look for solutions to the problem rather than concentrate on how scared I feel. So, when my husband gets angry (rare) I can acknowledge there is a problem and that he's unhappy, etc. and, since I love him, I don't want him to be unhappy (but I don't want to be "wrong" either) so I look for how we can solve the problem/change our ways of looking at it. Sometimes he's "right" and I am doing something annoying (spending more money than I should be) and I have to decide to change my behavior or at least acknowledge that yes, I am being annoying (and, since I know he loves me, sometimes I have to decide whether I can take making him unhappy, accept that pain for myself and keep spending the money if I still thing spending the money is the right answer).

But maybe start with, when he gets angry and you get frightened/unhappy, just telling him you are anxious and frightened and would he please use a normal tone of voice to discuss what is bothering him so you can hear and help him better. At least do that much for yourself; insist he use a normal tone so you can have a rational conversation. If he is unwilling or unable to do that, tell him you cannot think clearly and be in the same room with him when he is so angry and you've very sorry but you have to leave (and then do so). Anger is not abuse, it's someone else expressing their feelings of hurt and frustration. As long as they use words, that's great. But sometimes our own issues with anger and its expression get in the way of hearing/helping a loved one who is angry with us/a situation involving us and that's okay too; but we have to learn to be honest AND care for ourselves and tell the person (in return; they share their anger and we share our anxiety at the expression of their anger) where we are at and apologize for not being able to help at the moment and what we are going to do for ourselves (leave).

Once you take care of yourself a few times, things don't feel so scary/out of one's control and you feel stronger and it becomes possible to focus on what an angry loved one is saying rather than the expression of the emotion. Receiving and "hearing" what another is saying helps them realize they don't have to "shout to be heard" because they have an ally who will listen and help brainstorm a solution to their frustration.

[Rozine]

This is all really great stuff! I am so glad that I posted here - thanks for the comments.

[AShadow721]

Everytime my husband gets mad at me, I break down and cry. No matter if he's yelling or just using an angry tone, it still scares me. It also scares him, to the point that sometimes he's scared to tell me how he feels about things. I just thought that I was really senstive. I never thought that maybe I'm being triggered, because of past abuse.

I also have problems with boundaries, mostly with other people though, since my husband and I have had such a great amount of time to just communicate and work through our issues together. Communicating your needs and what is bothering you and what you will and will not allow or don't want your partner to do are great steps in setting boundaries.

[Bill3]

Am I being abused?:

http://www.dvipiowa.org/checklist.htm

[Tatyana2009]

Therapy can help with setting boundaries, recognising patterns, connecting with the wounded child and overcoming trauma.

If you suffer from PTSD it will be harder to assess situations in relationships.

As a general rule, though, without knowing your relationship, if you feel:
Unsafe, or
Discounted, or
Confused, or
Scared, or
Constantly worried, or
Angry, or
Depressed

Then something needs to change.

If your partner is angry and acts out on this anger towards you (shouts, pushes, pokes, threatens, calling names, ignoring you, etc...) then this is abuse.

I have been there and can identify with how you feel. A good book is 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship'.

If you want to post specific examples of situations that confuse you - please do.