[granite1]

i was told by the one T that ever attempted to get me to talk about this that it was and i would no longer speak of it.she had no idea whare my head was at.as a child i felt special as an adult im not so sure about it.is it SA if you didnt mind for the most part.as a teen i felt strange about it but only because i didnt want guys to know i wasnt a vergin and call me a slut.as an adult i know it wasnt ok but only because i have been told it wasnt etc...maby some day ill talk about it in RL to my Tbut this is what happened
sorry may be long postits ok if you dont want to read.

when i was younger my mother had her best friends son babysit my brother and i quite a bit.he use to play sex games with us after she left the house.at the time i had no idea what sex wasor even that it was a bad thing for me.this guy would just turn it into a fun game for my brother and i.first we would take off our cloths and i he would hide then etc..and then he would make us do thing to each other.i thought it was fun it was a game no big deal.it wasnt hurting either one of us.we had a lot of differnt games he would play.yes they involved sexual things but again i didnt even know what sex waas and it all didnt seem bad.it was fun games.aftre a while things did get a little sticky.he use to start letting me stay up later then my brother if i was willing to do differnt things.like oral sex.i had never seen a adult penis before.but even that he was ok about.god i remember him teaching me how to di it and even negotiating what i was willing to do.untill one time he pushed my head down to far and i puked never did it again.the first time we had sex wasnt all that tramatic either.again it was a game kind of like playing house and it was bed time at that point i wanted to be a big girl i thought it was cool and i was special.he tought me how older people play.i dont think he ever even called it sex or anything we were just playing around.he wasnt a monster about it he explained if i wanted to do this it would hurt some but it would stop.he gave me a choice.i decided to go for it.he didnt hurt me any more then my mother had ever done in fact he was nice about it if you can believe that so for me it was ok .i had already known how to just dissapear into my head and i wanted to do it .he did lie about the fact that it would stop hurting because it didnt and it sure wasnt all it was cracked up to be.we did it one more time but it still hurt and i just didnt like it.i told my brother and so we use to come up with reasons i couldnt do that anymore and we just went back to playing the fun games.he never made me do any of that stuff again.eventually my mother stopped having him sit for us.i found out later it was because she found an autio tape of my brother and i saying sexual things to eachother that he forgot to bring home with him.
now do you see what i mean by no one knows what i was thinking and i didnt know it was bad or not ok untill someone told me it was and then it became a problem.i was a slut and a ***** etc...

[buttrfli42481]

Safe hugs if ok. Yes it was SA. You were a child and didn't know any better, you thought it was a game. You said that yourself. The babysitter knew what he was doing, and did it anyway. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't know. HE knew. I am sorry that you had to go through that, your brother too.

One day, when you are ready, you will be able to talk about it in RL. For now, this is a great place to talk and get it off your chest. Maybe you could print this post out and show it to your T when you are ready. That way you don't have to speak it unless you want to. Sometimes it is easier to allow someone to read what happened than to verbally say it.

[Perna]

As a young child not understanding or being able to participate in sexual acts as they are meant to be participated in, there is no "badness" on your part. You were/are not a slut, *****, or anything else. You were a child introduced to strong biological functions before you could participate in them and that introduction by someone else was harmful to you, in basic ways that influenced your future growth.

The boy who introduced you; I don't know his age, but he sounds only physically mature but not emotionally; I take it he was a teenager.

One cannot be a child and be a slut/*****. That doesn't make any more sense than insisting a five or ten year old move out of their parents home and make a living. One is not physically, emotionally, anythingly mature yet, to where there's "real" choice. You were playing games. That wasn't something you were telling yourself, trying to get yourself to believe; that is literally what was taking place for you, a child.

The teenage boy was doing physical acts that felt good for him. What didn't feel good for you, did for him. His parents probably failed him in not teaching him how to behave, socially (I'm not talking manners, I'm talking interacting with other people), and/or sharing with him what growing up/becoming a "man" means in his particular society. He probably was aware (unlike yourself) that what he was doing was taboo/socially wrong, but I doubt he got any actual education in sexual subjects. That's partially why we have sexual education in schools now but I think most parents (including your mother, who did not teach you, age-appropriately that no one else should touch you in those places and, if they did, to tell her).

Anyone who labels you bad, slut, *****, etc. and tells you not to discuss the subject anymore is not someone you need to talk to or who can help you with the harm that was done to you, changing your path/subsequent sexual growth. As you may have intuitively figured out (and thus posted here, thank you, a good impulse on your part) you do need to talk to someone and discuss this problem. I would look for another therapist who can help you with this.

[granite1]

perna
yes the boy i am talking about was a teenger but i dont remember how old he was so i couldnt tell you
as far as the T that tried to bring it up it was me who wouldnt talk not her .it was my mother who was calling me a slut and *****.she even draged me to confession to tell the priest what i had done.i never did though.i was writing about it in a jouranl i had started as a kid and she found it and read it.although i found out she knew something was going on because she found that autio tape and stopped him from baby sitting but never told his mother.they were best friends .can you believe that she even invited his mother to my wedding .kind of strange for me.
i hope someday i will be able to talk about it with the T i have now but im sure that is a bit down the road

[Sannah]

Granite, I agree, you were not a slut or a *****. You were probably happy for his attention considering how your mom treated you and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. This has happened to many people. I hope you can continue to talk about this...........

[granite1]

sannah i will try it is ok to talk about it here you all are safe IRL idk im kind ok really scared to say much about anythingthese things are so close to my coar that even the slightest misunderstanding may drive me nutz and its hard real hardand scary things didnt go so well the last time i tried to talk about it and dont think i could handle a repeat of that.

[Sannah]

How long ago was it that you talked about this with that other T?

[AShadow721]

(((((Granite))))) This was SA. I'm sorry you had to go through this and I'm sorry your mother made you feel guilty about it. It wasn't your fault, you weren't willing and you're not a *****. You didn't even understand what sex was. How could you have understood what he was doing? How could your mom think you could have possibly understood? How could she have thought a child would want SA? That makes no sense. He made it a game to you and your brother so that you would do what he wanted. He went to babysit you on a mission. This is what he planned to do. He had no plan in his mind to treat you right and take care of you both like a caregiver should. I'm so sorry you were subjected to this sick kid.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

How long ago was it that you talked about this with that other T?

it was many years ago.the social worker some how had gotten ahold of this info and i had no idea and the therapist i was seeing when i was in this residential treatment place brought it up and it completely took me by surprise but i never really talked about it.i think i almost hurt her for even speaking those words.but that was a long time ago i have sence been tought some self controle.in fact i believe that was my old T's primary goal.i was about 20 years old

[Sannah]

So when it was brought up a few decades ago it was really hard on you?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

How long ago was it that you talked about this with that other T?

i think i was really angry that she knew about it more then anything.and talking about it was not an option.i didnt want to know her opinion about any of it i didnt want to think about it at all i hadnt thought about it and didnt want to i just dont think anything good can come out of it.things around what happened to me wre ok untill all the adults in my life started to react to what went on when my secret was out i have to say the baby sitter was right about that if i told all hell was going to break loose and it did and not in a good way.i was a ***** and a slut.i felt horrable.as a teen i didnt ever want to date any boys because i didnt want them to know i wasnt a vergin and be teased about it.my mother never talked to me about sex at all i didnt even know what my period was.i remember all the girls in school making a big deal about having the big movie in gym and when i asked about it i was teased like crazy.but i was the only kid i swear that had already had sex and didnt know what a period was.when i got my period i never told my mom but when she found out all she had to say to me was now i need to realy say no to guys but with no explination as to what i am saying no to. nothing good ever came out of speaking these words so why would i all i do is panic

[Sannah]

I see, that makes a lot of sense. Because the boy was never forceful or anything so you never felt bad about it but your mother's reaction was really bad. It was much worse than what really happened? The shame came with your mother's reaction? And that was all that you needed was more negativity from your mother.........

Actually, how pressured did you feel with this boy? Most SA is a power discrepancy so the victim feels powerless. Did these incidents have this affect on you?

[granite1]

sannah i dont really know.i always had choices if i was willing to do something like oral sex or something like that i was treated special i got to stay up past my bedtime and watch tv if i didnt i had to go to bed and that was it he didnt really do anything.it was complicated i wanted him to like me .if i didnt do this stuff i felt he hated me.he really made me feel special and differnt .this was my thing.i think the only time he ever scared me was when we had sex but he told me it was going to hut and i didnt have to do it but that it was going to be cool and if i didnt i would have to go to bed just like my brother etc...please dont think im disgusting for this but..having sex with him may have hurt but i wasnt any worse then anything my mother had done.he was suportive in a way kind of caring .i can still hear the things that he would say in my ear never mind it hard to understand lots goes on in my head over that soo not ready.now as an adult it makes me feel ick and that makes me angry sometimes

[Sannah]

I just want to remind others who are reading and posting to make sure that they seperate their experiences from yours. I can see how someone might respond here to their own experience and not yours. Granite has the right to interpret her experience as she experienced it. Please do not project your experience onto Granite........

Granite, I can totally see how you could experience what happened in a positive light. He really was giving you something that you craved - attention.........

Originally Posted by granite1

i can still hear the things that he would say in my ear

never mind it hard to understand

lots goes on in my head over that soo not ready.

now as an adult it makes me feel ick and that makes me angry sometimes

Do you want to talk more about this ^?

Hi (((((((Granite))))))

I just want to chime in and say even if you DID know it was sex and even if you DID know it was wrong, it wouldn't make it your fault, and it wouldn't make you a slut or a ***** or any other bad thing.

When my first SA happened, I was very young - like ages 3 - 5. I obviously didn't know about sex or understand what was happening. It was a "game" and "our secret" and even when it got yucky and painful, I knew that for some reason I didn't understand, I COULD NOT TELL.

The second incident was when I was around 8. By then, I knew it was wrong, but I still didn't know how to make it not happen. I lived in an abusive household and had no idea how to say no or stand up for myself. I just went somewhere else in my head and let it happen.

I have beat myself up for YEARS about the stuff that happened when I was 8, because I "knew better". But - I was EIGHT. I didn't have the power to make it not happen, no matter what I thought I "knew".

SO, my point is, no matter how it felt, no matter what you knew, it wasn't your fault and you are not any of the mean words you called yourself. You CAN'T be.

Lots of safe to you.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I just want to remind others who are reading and posting to make sure that they seperate their experiences from yours. I can see how someone might respond here to their own experience and not yours. Granite has the right to interpret her experience as she experienced it. Please do not project your experience onto Granite........

Granite, I can totally see how you could experience what happened in a positive light. He really was giving you something that you craved - attention.........


Do you want to talk more about this ^?

OMGosh im so sorry i kind of lost myself here sannah it was like i was just talking to you i kind of forgot others read this .Im so sorry if i caused anyone any heart ache or triggersi really didnt mean to go so far with this and i promice ill back off you are all so great here i dont want to cause anyone any pain i truely wasnt my intention at all

[Sannah]

Granite I was only protecting you! No one is going to get hurt on your thread. Please continue to talk! It's just that I have seen others project their experience on someone else's thread and I didn't want anyone to do that to you.

[granite1]

thanks sannah that means a lot to me. i tend to get a bit confused sometines.you here are all so awsome and thanks so much for all the support you all give me all the time.im sure ill be here a lot in the next month or so because i am going away and have no therapy for a month