who am I?

I have some therapy "homework" to do that I want to sit down to tonight.

We have been talking about my abuse, which is the first time I have ever said any of it out loud, to anyone, ever. For almost 2 years my therapist has been trying to get me to understand that I didn't do anything to deserve it. I'm getting closer and closer to believing him, but that's the problem.

I've always assumed I must be a horrible, rotten, evil person to have had that done to me -- I must have had it coming. That has been my worldview for basically my entire life.

So, if I believe I DON"T deserve it -- then that person I know as "me" goes away, and in fact never existed, because I was never rotten and evil.

Somebody tell me what I do with that.

I'm supposed to write about the unknown and what's scary about it, and about who I would be if it turns out I can't be the "me" I've known for all these years. I really have no idea what's going to come out of it. I guess I'm asking how you completely shift your thinking without losing your entire self in the process. Ideas?

Candy

oh ((((((((((((((candy))))))))))))))))))) you've put me and my recent therapy in words.

i've learned so much lately and just don't know what to do with it....i see VICTIM everywhere and it doesn't fit into what i've always thought/known/believed. ugh.

we'll get thru this.

kd

Hi Candy

I don't know how you do it but I am coming from a similar angle so I do understand what you are saying.

Are there other aspects of you that you do not see as totally evil and deserving of this pain? For example, are there things you enjoy doing, people you like being with? What would your "best friend" say about you? What would you say aobut someone else if they were in your situation? Those are things I have tried with some (limited) success to change my opinion of myself. But I have to say I find it hard and it is only when I am in a certain position, coming out of depressive incidents, that I can do it.

Take care of you.

C

i agree with Caroline's approach to it... my T and i had what was (to me) an awkward discussion that ended up with her wanting me to go home and think about the fact that i was worthy and good. it's such a foreign idea that i told her that i felt like a kid getting caught with their hand in a cookie jar: wanting something good that you know doesn't belong to you.

one thing to think about is the 'working' aspect of you. the one that goes to her job every day and is a really good journalist. think about any nice things your boss or co-workers might have said about you. because that is part of who you are too. ((((((((candybear)))))))) good luck w/ your homework i know how hard it is. you are welcome to PM me if you need help thinking of other ideas.

-shadow

Candy, I know you as an ethical person. You have integrity. Eventhough we may make up parts and act the act we are still developing our selves inside. Many of my values have come from just surviving past the abuse into this life with all it's struggles. I hope you can make some sense of this. PEACE

I had a similar conversation with my therapist. We talked about what my core values were. Honesty, integrity, thoughtfulness, caring, loving and whatever else comes to mind. Then we extended that to what impact that had on my life. Good friend, good mother, good wife, hard worker, dedicated etc. I hope this gives you some ideas. Good luck with your homework. Take care.

Wow. It's really good to see that other people are having these same conversations, and the same difficulties with changing how they see themselves. I have almost those exact words written in my journal. If I can believe that my view of the past was wrong and that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, then I guess I wouldn't feel like I had to hide from everyone. But if I didn't hide, wasn't shy, who would I be, because that's who I am?

The ideas here are good, about thinking about how your friends and coworkers might describe you. I find I can accept that they may not see me as I do, but I still feel that it's because they don't know the me I hide inside. It's definitely hard work to shift your beliefs about your past and how you see your place in it.

I guess it changes little bit by little bit. Kind of like eroding the soil around a rock. At first you couldn't move the rock at all, but with enough gentle pressure from the water moving the soil from around it, and it will roll away on its own. Hope that's somewhat of how it will work in the end.

Thanks for the chance to share, TC, Quay

I don't know, Candy. I would think that would be a good thing to realize about yourself but then when you do- on comes the anger and feelings of injustice. That's where I'm at. Could you be afraid of that avalanche of anger?
You'll be fine.