[suzzie]

i dont know why i do this. but i tend to re-enact parts of my csa over and over in my mind. and the scenes have slowly gotten more disturbing over time. i think that i relate s** with being demeaning to the extreme. i think partly im trying to make sense of it. but why would i want to make it worst than it was. its like that is the only way it could ever be enjoyable. ive never imagined any other way. it just wouldnt seem real to me. to me this is the way its meant to be. even tho i know its wrong - its right.

[jexa]

I can relate. (((((suzzie))))))) I do this. Like you, I make it worse in my mind and like.. punish myself with the thoughts and it's the only way I can deal with sex. I think I do that because I feel like the abuse wasn't "bad enough" for me to be traumatized so I make it worse to like.. make sense of it. Or something.

Does your T know about this?

[phoenix7]

partly self esteem that is damaged i think ...partly punishing ourselves...

partly thinking that is what we deserved or asked for ...... and stil do...

and if we make it ...dunno...sort of OK ...in a strange way.....

then its not so horrific.......

[suzzie]

((((((((jexa)))))))))

i think that maybe im punishing myself for allowing it. and the punishment is never enough for what i did. so i keep increasing it. ive been doing it since near the time it started.

no, my t doesnt know about anything yet. except the school kids info i emailed. we havent talked about it yet tho. as i havent had another appointment yet. but go on friday. she does know that i have csa history. its just hard to tell this kind of stuff. i dont talk much at all in t.

[suzzie]

(((((((pheonix7)))))))

you are so right!!

[phoenix7]

yep its so hard to get the words out ...... but you can do it .. you are a survivor .. stronger than them because you are stil here wiht us.

dont let them have your future - they took your past - or part of it and maybe some of your present - but your T can help you regain your present and future from them

i hopeyour next T appointment goes ok

let us know

P7

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by suzzie

i think that maybe im punishing myself

for allowing it.

I would think that you would have to deal with this ^ in therapy eventually in order to work on this whole issue.

[suzzie]

i really do think in my case i did allow it. it didnt have to happen. i let it. i was never good at saying no. or not doing something i knew was wrong. i always worry about the other person. even as a kid. i always let people have what they wanted. still do. its a mistake i made and have to live with. i should have said no or resisted or something. but didnt. i did nothing. therefore i was wrong. the more i think about this stuff the more disgusted i am with myself. what kind of person was i or am i. it will probably come up in t at some point. as this stuff is the main reason im there.

[BlackCanary]

Hey Suzzie, please be kind to yourself about the past, I know it's hard to do.

Now that I have young children, I see how completely powerless they are against adults. So I'm now looking at the other adults to decide if I can trust them.
The truth about who was right and who was wrong crashed down on me last year, but the past still presses me, I blame myself so easily.

Even if you have these thoughts in your mind, you are continuing to survive them. I hope you are also keeping your physical person safe, saying no now that you are older.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by suzzie

i really do think in my case i did allow it.
not resisting is not the same as allowing it - predators see the need to please as a weakness they can use against us - i was always taught to put everyone before my own needs and it sounds like you were too - they see this.

it didnt have to happen. i let it. i was never good at saying no. or not doing something i knew was wrong.

are you letting the other person off? were they older than you? perhaps they should have known better? did they initiate the action?

i always worry about the other person. even as a kid. i always let people have what they wanted. still do. its a mistake i made and have to live with. i should have said no or resisted or something. but didnt. i did nothing. therefore i was wrong.

you werent wrong - misguided perhaps - too nice perhaps even naive - but not wrong - dont take away their responsiblity - i dont know how old you were when it happened - but with me the person was older and i just wanted to please them - they knew this and took advantage of it - that makes them wrong not me - that is the hardest part to accept - that you had no power or control.... and they took advantage of that.

the more i think about this stuff the more disgusted i am with myself. what kind of person was i or am i. it will probably come up in t at some point. as this stuff is the main reason im there.

im glad it wil come up in T andi hope yu wil explore it fully - it took my old T a long time to make me see the truth... i stil fall back somtimes onto old tapes in my head - mainly put there by the abusers - please try not to be so hard on yourself - take care

P7

[invisigirl]

Also, if you had said no, do you really believe that they would have just stopped and left you alone?

And if they had persisted after you said no, even if you did not continue to fight, then they would still be wrong.

But still, if they were older than you and especially if they had any sort of authority over you at all, then they were still the one who was wrong. They knew better, you may have understood it was wrong, but as young children, we are likely to go along with the things that older people instruct us to do simply because they are older and often have authority.

You were young and vulnerable and had a need for love. You were taken advantage of. YOU were not WRONG.

[Sannah]

I have heard it explained that believing that you allowed it to happen is actually a way to help you feel safer now because believing this gives you the illusion that you actually had power and control and, therefore, now still have power and control (and this is why you would feel safer).

[suzzie]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

are you letting the other person off? were they older than you? perhaps they should have known better? did they initiate the action?

i guess i am letting them off. im just not mad at them. they were middle age men and i was a kid. each had a different reason for it. it most definitely was their idea. i wasnt even thinking of that kind of stuff.

invisigirl im not sure what resisting might have done. but at least i would know that i didnt just let it happen then. i made it super easy for them. guess that makes me stupid.

Sannah that makes sense. this t stuff is much more complicated than i ever thought.

[invisigirl]

That does not make you stupid at all. There is nothing wrong with being a naive child who seeks love and approval.

I say these things because I know exactly how you feel. I have said the SAME things that you are saying. And I still say them.

It was NOT your fault, Suzzie.