[Overcastbutclearing]

In my therapy session last night my T asked if I know where my 2 abusers are or if I ever tried to locate them. I hadn't. I thought what I don't know won't hurt me.
But, I got to thinking about it. And, the kind of work I do provides me with the tools needed to find about anyone.
So, this morning I did a search.
One is dead. Died in 1997...3 years after attacking me.

The other. My abuser from childhood lives in KY. He was convicted of Sexual abuse in the First Degree in NJ in 1992. I have only told 2 people IRL the extent of what has happened to me. So, his conviction tells me he hurt another child. He also was convicted of endangering a child's welfare.
I am not sure what to make out of knowing this now.
I guess one being dead helps relieve some pressures that HE can never come hurt me again.
But, one is still alive. Still possiblly hurting other kids after all these years of me carrying with me the shame and guilt and fear and pain and anger I have had.
He is located literally about 45 minutes from where I went to college. Kind of freaky if you ask me.
Do I hunt him down and confront him?
Do I think ...well he did get convicted once so maybe that is good enough?
Do I just let it go and hope that one day all the flashbacks and the pain and anger will just go away naturally?
Any suggestions, help, thoughts....would be appreciated!!

SJ,

I think these are questions best posed to your heart and your T.

You are just beginning this journey. The road is a long and bumpy one.

There will be times you'll want to confront him, deny it even happened, and times you'll want to run.

Have you read any of the Courage to Heal books by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass? Sometimes manning yourself with knowledge can be empowering.

Beginning to Heal might be helpful to you. Again, though. You should discuss it with T.

Beginning to Heal (Revised Edition) : A First Book for Men and Women Who Were Sexually Abused As Children
by Ellen Bass, Laura Davis (Info from Amazon)

Beginning to Heal offers hope and guidance for all survivors starting the healing journey. No matter how great your pain today, you can not only heal but thrive. Based on the authors' bestseller The Courage to Heal, this Revised Edition of Beginning to Heal takes you through the key stages of the healing process, from crisis times to breaking the silence, grief, and anger, to resolution and moving on. It includes inspirational highlights, clear explanations, practical suggestions, and compelling accounts of survivors' pain, their strength, and their triumphs.

Hang in,

Petunia

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((sj)))))))))))))))

we've talked, and related, about this in pm. i just wanted to give more hugs and support here.

be safe.

kd

Most states now have convicted sex abuse registry so if his state is one of those states the police and his parole officer are keeping track. Also when a convicted sex abuser is released before his release the prison and police now have to notify the community and police department when and where the sex offender is going to or would like to be living, usually in a half way group home type setting. so the community where he is knows he is a convicted sex offender. The odds of him committing another abuse where he is in very low. Not saying it can't happen but he most likely is being watch VERY closely by the police, his parole officer and the community.

Basically flashbacks are memories of the abuse, Buried or not. But they happen because the person is ready to process that abuse situation.

The flashbacks will end..unfortunately it may be a while depending on what memory is coming to the surface.

You can speed up the memory process by doing activites that will force them to come on more (and most likey harder which was the case with me) so if you go this route like I do you will need your therapist help at times. for example keeping a jounal of what you are seeing, hearing and so on. You give the info to your therapist, they read it then in what I call lightening rounds the therapist asks questions starting with what is wrote down then pushing for more information.

You can push for more information on your own too. BUT I DO NOT RECOMMED DOING IT WITH OUT LETTING YOUR THERAPIST KNOW YOU ARE DOING THIS. IT CAN GET QUITE SCAREY AND SO ON THE FIRST FEW TIMES. You've heard of hypnosis right? Well I use my own version of it (professionals call what I do Self Hypnosis) to uncover my memories. Hypnosis is just deep relaxation and imagry working together. So the trick is to be so relaxed that you don't fight what you see, hear and so on. But yet it can get tricky if you have DID beecause a DID person naturally uses deep relaxation and imagry to leave mentally and enter their mental safe place. I kept slipping into my la la land so I added benedryl because it contains a low dose of the same medication for sleep aids. It allows me to get where I need to be but yet not have the emotion levels that send me into la la land. I take the pills then put on relaxation music, then remind myself to slow down my breathing and heart rate. (some people call slowing breathing and heartrate biorhythm). I imagine myself walking down a tunnel that the floor ramp stlye. at certain points the ramp take a small steepr slope downwards then levels. Kind of like walking down steps but I cant so steps. I have numbered these slopes 10-0. The starting point is 10 and where I want to go (memory access) is number 1. 0 is float out of my body and up into lala land. At each slope I remind myself that when I reach the door at level 1 and open that door I will be inside the nightmare or flashback that I am having trouble with and I will remember ONE thing from it to bring back with me. Most times it is a small piece of the nightmare/flashback. and then I come back up the ramp and write down what I saw, heard and so on.

This really does work so if you do this be prepared that what you experience al level 1 will most likely be something that is either going to shock you or upset you.

So why do I do this? Because I know that my flashbacks have gone on for years on their own and for me there is no way out of having them, ignoring them, going over around or under them. I am going to go through them anyway along with the pain they bring so for me it was a matter of how long I can hold on. I have better luck with the short term push, remeber and then they fade away. when I waited them out I landed in the mental health units. So when I notice they are at a standstlill (there but no new information showing up) I push them.

In general drawing writing and music help me when I have flashbacks. Take care.

I don't know the right answer to that but I hope you find the wisdom to choose whichever is the best for you in the long run.
((((((((((Sj)))))))))))

[Monty_girl]

sj, I understand this is confusing for you. A few years ago my mother started recieving back child support checks from one of my abusers. The state of KY was garnishing his pay. I was really upset about my mother getting this checks and flashing them in front of me. I had filed charges against him when I was 16 and went through questioning. My T asked me if I wanted to have him arrested since the state knew where he was now? I had to say no. Because at this point I knew that I'm not in a place where I can put myself up to facing him. Then I think about the what if's? I worry that he's continued to abuse. But I had to do what was in my best interest at this time. And that's what you have to think about. Are you in a place to confront him or are you safe enough to know that you wouldn't take revenge out on him? I knew that I have alters that I knew I couldn't trust and could land me into trouble. You can go through a lot of what if's and pro's and con's. But it all really just depends on how strong you feel you are and what you feel like you want to do. Good Luck, Monty

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((sj))))))))))))))))))))) I think you should explore your answers with your therapist who is qualified to help you with your healing process. Most of t hese answers are hard decisions to make and it is not always a pleasant journey but can be a rewarding one. I hope you the best in deciding what path you would like to take. Take care.