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#1
Dec 16, 2010, 05:03 PM
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I just came to the realization today that I don't want to visit my mom for Christmas break due to her verbal abuse. Somehow, don't ask me how, I had blocked out her explosion, anger, accusations and yelling the last time I visited.
I mean, I didn't want to take this trip but she has told me she will be majorly depressed if I don't visit this year. Whatever. I'm in. It's not all bad. What usually sets it off these days is her asking about my finances and not being satisfied with my answer, then she accuses me of keeping information from her. She knows I suffer from depression, but she is convinced I would feel better if I went back to work. There may be a piece to that which is right but 1) I haven't been able to find anything 2) There are days when getting out of bed, cleaning the house, laundry, making dinner etc. for my partner is the best I can manage - just being honest about where I am currently. So... I have looked at maybe five jobs in the last three months. Three resumes out and two applications for retail jobs. Of course, no responses. Pretty half-hearted attempt by me. Instead (to be honest) I have been more focused on trying to study some math and chemistry on my own in order to ready myself for classes/ in hope of going back to school. Good idea? Terrible idea? Don't know. It's just what I am doing when I have any energy. Should I stretch the truth by telling her I have looked at more like fifteen or so jobs in the last three months?? I just want to have this slide by. I am using all of the energy I have just to show up at her house for a week and be pleasant. I don't have any energy left to sit and bear the brunt of her screaming at me.
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Keep this in mind, that you are important. |
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#2
Dec 16, 2010, 08:22 PM
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Wow, sounds like your mom isn't understanding boundaries. It's a hard thing because I feel how you just want things to slide by but then it's like,....something inside telling you to tell her to mind her own business!! I don't think it matters what you tell her about the jobs. She isn't you, and she won't understand the situation you're in.
I guess just tell her what you think she'd like to hear, but I don't recommend letting an abusive relationship keep going. It's not good for you. I know it's your mom, but we don't pick our relatives. Maybe try to work on some personal boundaries for yourself? There is a good book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. I think there are some Chrisitan references in it, but overall it's a great book. Best of luck in whatever you decide.
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Cherry>>>Gash "What might it be like to simply draw on your knowledge and experience of how to be with people, and to invite yourself into the fold? To see yourself as simply another person. Another being in the world." |
 Elana05
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#3
Dec 16, 2010, 10:43 PM
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Quote:
 I so, so identify! Your mother obviously doesn't understand the nature of depression.  My personal feeling is that abusive parents don't deserve the truth because they don't want to hear it. Please don't feel guilty at all about stretching the truth. If she nags for details then I encourage you to draw some boundaries, as in "I really don't feel like going into it." Also feel free to use the economy as part of your explanation. Even she can't argue with that!Please also don't let her demanding and clueless attitude make you feel any kind of guilt over how you're dealing with your depression or obligation to do more about looking for a job. Trust your feelings. If you don't really feel up to looking for one and you don't have a financial need to get one then it's clearly not the right time yet for you to be pursuing work. I believe that when we listen to our intuition and our heart, no matter how much our head is nagging us, we're led in the direction that we need to go in. Believe me, please, that it's taken me so long to learn this! Last year, I was scrambling to pick up 35 hours of work a week because I felt I had to (my job is seasonal). There were other goals I wanted to pursue, but I had very little energy and time to do that. For months, I just sat there wishing I could work less hours. Finally, I checked (and rechecked, and rechecked) my finances and decided to go down to 29 hours a week, a big deal for me. Well, I haven't fallen into debt, and I can still pay my monthly bills, and I have some time to pursue my goals. My heart knew what was right. I caused myself a lot of grief by ignoring it. So please don't feel obligated to tell your mother the truth, and please don't feel like you're doing anything wrong by honoring where you are now emotionally regarding the job situation. You deserve to show yourself love and respect. Stay strong! Rainbow |
| Elana05
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#4
Dec 16, 2010, 11:52 PM
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Mom, I really don't want to talk about finances right now, let's talk about something else.
My mom is a malignant narcissist and have low contact with her on my own terms. I think you wanted to stretch the truth to protect yourself. There are people out there sending 50 -100 applications/resumes a month and still zilch...that's where the term "jobless recovery" comes in. If you mom would get depressed if you didn't come, maybe that will give her something to reflect on. Is she controlling with her emotions? The guilt, her depressed mood if you didn't come. You are entitled to spend your time the way you want, you just have to let go. Been there, done that, sending your cyber hugs.
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NuckingFutz, National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD National Dom Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE  
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#5
Dec 17, 2010, 11:21 AM
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Quote:
Yes. Very. I didn't realize it until last year. Not surprizing though, I'm an only child so one to compare notes with. Quote:
"Why don't you tell me anything? You're just like your father! Everything's a secret with you. What am I? Some kind of monster?? That's what you treat me like. I can't talk about anything with you because you're so d@#m sensitive!" And she wonders why... Blech.
__________________
Keep this in mind, that you are important. |
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#6
Dec 17, 2010, 02:47 PM
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"What am I? Some kind of monster?? Should send out a red flag about how she feels about herself hmmmm?
Check out this site and see if you can relate... http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com It's hard to back away from people like this because of the negative emotional bond they create. Maybe look up traits and see if you mother has some. This is not a diagnostic tool, but it can help you learn how to deal with your mother in a healthier way. Sending you big hugs and I hope that site helps.
__________________
NuckingFutz, National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD National Dom Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
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| Elana05
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#7
Dec 17, 2010, 04:02 PM
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((((((((((Elana)))))))))
I'm so sorry your mom treats you this way. My mom is the same, except she doesn't harp about money, instead about other things. Can you plan other things to do so that you don't have to spend a lot of time at home? I had to keep my mom from talking about certain things to me and it was easier if I set up a boundary and then kept it. Otherwise she had a belief that she could go back to talking about it again if she just tried hard enough. |
| Elana05
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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