*** Sex TRIGGER ***

I'm not quite sure how to word this so it's not graphic.

If you are a CSA survivor, and have sex now (alone or with company)..well...when you try to...um...ya know...see fireworks...are your thoughts elsewhere? (does anyone actually stay in the moment??) And if your thoughts are elsewhere, do you think of good things or bad.

I think of bad things - abuse related...but not exactly abuse.

I wish I didn't have to, but it's the only way I can EVER see fireworks. I want to think of nice things instead....but if I do - no KaBoom for me. Nice things would be like...um...doing it with George Clooney, or John Stewart! :-) The bad things, well...they're bad. And they make me feel sick later.

em

Phew.

I'm never there. Dissociate and another takes over. H really likes her. He says she really enjoys herself.
w_i

[Monty_girl]

Em you are not alone on this one. Yeah my mind goes else where from time to time and sometimes onto things that are bad. I would say the bad things are related to abuse. But I don't know why my mind goes to those things to get "fireworks". I've never told anyone that my mind goes to thinking this bad thoughts. Have always felt ashamed that I think about these bad things. I don't know why I think this way either. Makes me really confused and ashamed. Sorry your thoughts go the same way. But you aren't alone on this, just know that. I do the same.
Monty

[Overcastbutclearing]

You are not alone...and quite honestly...I am shocked that I am not alone too.
I hate sex. I would rather die then have it.
But, I am in a relationship...so.........
I totally go off into a "spaced out" state. I try to look like it feels good. But it never does. It hurts because of what it makes me feel like when I was a kid.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((emmy))))))))))) you're not alone. i keep coming back to this to attempt to make a post and get even get talking about "it" right...much less "it".

simply said, you're not alone.

love,

kd

[wisewoman]

Not alone Em, sometimes I get scared or angry, lots of times the old feelings. If I do kaboom I feel guilty. Trying to work on it. Seems worse with age as the whole kaboom thing is more difficult for both of us, plus the meds. You are brave girl.

Thank you all so much. I feel like such a freak sometimes. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this...but so sad to know others understand.

em

My mind went elsewhere too. the key for me was stopping the sexual acts the second I realized I was thinking of the past instead of staying in the moment. My mind wandering was like a stop sign saying something isn't right here. (The timing, wrong person and so on) If I was alone I would stop the masturbating and so do something else - wash dishes, watch tv and so on. Over time I was able to go farther before having to stop. If I was with someone I flat out told them before we because that intimate that when we did we were going at my speed and sometimes that would require stopping at any point. Basically "no means NO go finish in the bathroom if you need to" Some weren't happy being told that and we never got to having intercourse. Others accepted it and did use my bathroom to finish on their own when needed. Another thing that helped was having my partners talk to me. Hearing that persons voice, and sometimes having sex during the day instead of the night helped to keep me in the present. and am able to reach those fireworks.

Most of the time these things work but there are those times when I can't get there without adding a pain element or borderline abuse inflicted on me. That is what I meant when I wrote in that self injurious behavior thread about social situations. The first person I admitted this to was one of my therapists when I was doing the courage to heal workbook. I was SSOO embarrassed but yet wanted to be honest on the workbook questions so I did the workbook questions and gave them to my therapist and told her NOT to read them until later. I didn't want to be watching her read them. So she put it away and we talked about other things. Then later that night she called me from her home to let me know she had read it and my question of if she thought I was strange and so on. She told me no I wan't. For people who have been basically programmed like I was into accepting pain as good and pleasure as bad it was only natural when daydreaming of patrick swayze that the only way I could reach the top was think of him inflicting pain. Then she said something that was absolutely funny to me - that most people whether they admit it or not like a bit of an edge to their foreplay. It could be a light spank or two, wrestling, nipping, tickling until the person yells stop.. The only difference between them and me is that I have been programmed to enjoy things they only dream about. That programming can be broken just by going slow and experimenting to find out what other things will do it for me.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

It is kind of hard to write about a subject and be so delicate...yet...still get messages across for me but I like sex....maybe the reason I like it is I do NOT think of anything...I feel what is being done....it doesnt mattter who does it......I BECOME that body part and sensation so I am thinking maybe thats a form of dissociating? I do not go for the gooey swoony lovely dovey junk......just get to the foreplay and um the big bang and I am done....I can even skip the kissing

[Kathyanita]

emily
I won't elaborate here- its too "public" but suffice it to say you are certainly not alone and certainly not a freak- because I can sure relate precisley and I KNOW I'm not a freak either. . .

myself - thank you for your thoughtful reply. i have told my T and I have tried to make some small changes...but I always end up in the same dank head space. honestly, I don't hold much hope for change.

em

Thank you all. It's it amazing how much harm has been done? How it all lingers in the convolutions up there? Ugh. I need a shower!

em

[bipolar_bear]

I have trouble thinking of anything when having sex. I think I dissociate until it is over. I have trouble talking about it even with my therapist. I certainly could do without ever having it. It causes me to have flashbacks to when it happened when I was small and I just shut down I guess.

You are not sick by what you are feeling. As you can see many people feel the same way. I am sorry many of us are going through this.

[jennie]

What helps me when I think I am broken in a particular area of functioning, I research the "why" I react a certain way [I have PTSD and depression].

Traumatic coupling explains what is happening to you. I believe you can re-train your brain/body to respond to the "good things." It just takes time and practice. ((((Huggs))))

"Traumatic coupling is when arousal (intense excitement, extreme emotions, sexual arousal) evokes old trauma patterns. All arousal greater than a threshold amount will evoke a psycho-pysiological response that is similar to the maladaptive one (i.e. freezing/disassociation) that is trauma's signpost in the body. Sexual feelings are closely intertwined with Survival feelings." [reference www.energyschool.com/writings/levine.PDF ]

it'll come. it just takes time. Ive been working on it for over three years and at times I still struggle with it. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be normal then a friend of mine will remind me that I am normal - for what I ave been through and how far I have come. I was raised and lived this way for years so now it is going to take years to undo it. This may be with me for the rest of my life. No one not even the professionals know how long it will take so I try not to think about the hurry up and get over it kind of thing. Instead I think I'll get through it when I get through it. Please don't give up HOPE. In the past I was a part of a real world support group called HOPE. The letters stood for Helping Ourselves through Personal Empowerment. Which means as long as you believe in yourself ANYTHING can happen, you can do anything you set your mind to.It doesn't matter how long it takes to accomplish your goal just that you do at your own pace. You CAN do thiis. just hold on tight to the HOPE

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Emmy)))))))))))))))))))))

Your not alone