[MoAnamCara]

so am wondering whether to approach the person who messed with me when younger? what good will it do? probably just create more issues than resolve. im not sure im at that stage of being able to deal with it. im not sure of anything at this time.

even with t i cant express myself, feelings and thoughts. so whats the point in continuing this?

im continuously questioning myself, my choices, my actions. i feel unable to know where to go with myself, what to do. i truly feel like wanting to disappear.

how can i stop the images when someone else is trying to be intimate with me?

am i creating more issues for myself attening t? isn't this causing me to question every single thing?

how can i be strong for those who need me to be? i always am, yet i struggle at this time.

how do others not see that i am struggling? why cant i just scream and let everyone know? why cant i be honest for once, tear down the defences and the curtain of strength and mask of happiness and of being in complete control?

i need support, i really feel like i need it right now. where am i going to get that from? how can i not appear like a complete looney-tune? im scared of me, of my life, the future, the past, the present. how will i do this?

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sorry you feel like this, I wish I had the answers, I'm still trying to find the myself

[invisigirl]

maybe you can write a letter to the person? it would likely be much more productive and worthwhile than confronting them. confrontations, especially when you feel unable to really express yourself freely and don't feel safe, can be a major setback and a revicitimization. probably NOT what you need right now.

if you write a letter, give yourself permission to express all your deepest feelings, no matter how intense and or negative. just let it all out. and maybe show it to your T or to a trusted friend if you want to feel more heard.

this might help you process some of the feelings you have without revictimizing yourself.

[MoAnamCara]

invisigirl -

thanks. i think its something im thinking of or perhaps i should say day dreaming of. i know i never will with regards to the childhood thing as it would cause too, too many issues. or maybe i could write it and then destroy it so at least it would be expressed in some fashion.

just dont like where im at right now. cant shake things, just frustrating.

thanks, take care.

[Sannah]

Start talking in therapy.............

[invisigirl]

I can certainly understand that.

I agree. writing it down and then destroying it - ripping it into tiny bits, burning it, scribbling all over it with a big red or black marker - can really help. it can help release some of that emotion and maybe even release some of it's power. just make sure that when you do it, you have some time to yourself. some down time with some self-soothing helps at the ready.

I have even been known to sit in my room by myself and imagine that person there and just talk to them out loud. I know it may sound strange but, for me, it can really help me to process things if I play them out.

[MoAnamCara]

thanks invisigirl -

i just need the space and time and breathing room to do it. and the energy and inclination and the right mind set other than ending up in worse form and state of mind than currently.

[MoAnamCara]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Start talking in therapy.............

thank you. I know this is what I need to do but recent efforts have resulted in me shutting down and experiencing unpleasant flashbacks etc. Unfortunately at this time I am hanging on by a thread, difficult times, so I just don't feel I can deal with these things at this time even though I would like to so I can try to put it al behind me.

Its frustrating which is adding to levels of anxiousness. Viscous circle. Am ready to run and disappear from life.

[MoAnamCara]

and worse its been ten years since the ex thing and at this time being intimate freaks me out, thoughts and pains rush me. i hate it. i hate i allow it. i hate he did this to me. i hate my inability to forget, move on, be strong. just over it.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I have a personal experience to share - not sure whether it will help or not. My brother was one of my abusers as a child. When we were both adults, one day he called me out of the blue to apologize. For whatever reason, the pain and helplessness this stirred up in me was not worth accepting the apology from him. I never held him completely responsible for what he did - we were both raised in a violent, abusive, sexualized home. I believe he was just doing what he knew. If you feel approaching the one who hurt you in the past will help you - then by all means do it. Just make sure you are prepared if it doesn't turn out the way you expect. And make sure you have a lot of support available if you choose to do this...

Good Luck with whatever you decide

[MoAnamCara]

Thanks CSC -

i never will discuss it with them. it would be "my fault" anyhow. i dont wish to go there and i certainly can't at this time when my life is in the balance.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

I know this is what I need to do but recent efforts have resulted in me shutting down and experiencing unpleasant flashbacks etc.

I just don't feel I can deal with these things at this time even though I would like to so I can try to put it al behind me.

Is your therapist aware that you are shutting down and the flashbacks are increasing?

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

at this time being intimate freaks me out, thoughts and pains rush me.

It is okay to not be intimate if you aren't ready.

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

how do others not see that i am struggling? why cant i just scream and let everyone know? why cant i be honest for once, tear down the defences and the curtain of strength and mask of happiness and of being in complete control?

Any new thoughts on this?

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

i hate my inability to forget, move on, be strong. just over it.

THis is impossible. You have to work through this stuff.

[MoAnamCara]

Sannah - thank you for your response

yes, my t has seen my response first hand to flashbacks and triggers, and so decided to leave those topics for a while as im not in a condition to deal with them.

re being intimate, this is someone im with for 10+ years, so it came out of left field for me.

no thoughts on anything else. i am scared i am spiraling downwards, frustrated and tired.

thank you again for taking the time to respond.

[Sannah]

You are welcome Mo. Yeah, I agree with your T, probably not a good time to work on traumas but you can work on today. Can you talk to your T about what you are struggling with today?

So things with your partner have changed? Do you think that it could be because you are being more aware of your needs and feelings?

[MoAnamCara]

Sannah -

I do talk with T about daily issues. Yes things have changed, she has an illness and it has affected our r'ship - its not because of me being aware of my needs (I do not know what they are, other than I want to become invisible) nor feelings necessarily.

Its okay, thanks for trying to help.

take care.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

Yes things have changed, she has an illness and it has affected our r'ship

Are you talking about this ^ in therapy?

[MoAnamCara]

Sannah - kind of - its there and its known. amongst a lot of other "stuff". its ok, thanks for your time.