[Still_sad_inside]

Has anyone on here dealt with repressed memories? I have memories of being sexually abused but I can't remember or see who it was doing it! Is that even possible? I'm driving myself mad trying to figure this all out but I am getting nowhere.
My father is a violent alcoholic that would daily go on rants telling me how stupid, worthless, ugly.... I was. My mother always blamed how he treated me on the fact that I was just like her. (Somehow everything is always about her).
I no he is an *** but could he really have done "those things" to his own child? I get sick to my stomach at the thought of having to see him. I can even make myself call my mother anymore because he might answer the phone. His smell (he chews) makes me want to curl up into a ball and die.
Why can i just "know" who did this to me, it makes me want to scream!! Am I just crazy could all of this be in my head? Has anyone else dealt with this not knowing? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Cat

[*doodles*]

I'm in a very, very similar situation as you....
I really have no advice or words of wisdom because I have no idea how to deal with it myself(I actually just posted a few down...), but you are not alone!
The one thing I try not to do is force memories...I have one particular flashback that comes back over and over...and I analyze it driving myself insane(like what room was I in, how tall was the person, what did they sound like, etc), but really it gets me nowhere. I'm afraid I might just have to find a way to get over it without ever knowing the details...but I'm not sure how to go about that.
Anyway....you are not alone. You can always PM me if you want to talk, I'm new here too

[Still_sad_inside]

It sounds like we have a lot in common. It is weird but I can't remember really anything before 9 that has not been told to me. I know I was a bed wetter until around this time because i was told I also know there was a three year period that my mother says that I would get upset and throw up for now reason. I was never taken to a doctor because my father did not believe in modern medicine. I was born on the couch and never attended school.
What I don’t get is the one incident of abuse that i clearly remember happening (just not who did it) I was 11. So why can't I remember any of my childhood before around age 9? It is all so crazy to me!
I am sorry you when through this and want you to know that you are not crazy and you are certainly not alone!

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sometimes that's how traumatic memories surface. You sometimes remember the "safest" part first and then as you body/mind allow, more of the memories become visible. You repressed the memories as a coping skill and they will surface when you are ready to heal. Do you have a therapist? Talking through what you do remember is a good way to get started and a good way to learn healthy coping skills for when the memories fully emerge. Some people never remember everything - again, for self-protection.

[Sannah]

Welcome to PC SSI..........

[Still_sad_inside]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Sometimes that's how traumatic memories surface. You sometimes remember the "safest" part first and then as you body/mind allow, more of the memories become visible. You repressed the memories as a coping skill and they will surface when you are ready to heal. Do you have a therapist? Talking through what you do remember is a good way to get started and a good way to learn healthy coping skills for when the memories fully emerge. Some people never remember everything - again, for self-protection.

NO I don't have a therapist; I can't bear the thought of talking about what happened in person. My husband wants me too and we have great insurance but I just have not been able to make that call. He does know that it was bad for me and my siblings as a child but he does not know how bad.
I go through phases from perfectly fine in what I call my "normal" phase, to being very distant to being depressed then into what I call a "panic" phase. I never know what my day will bring and its driving me nuts! Thanks for listening, Cat

[Can't Stop Crying]

You wouldn't necessarily need to discuss the abuse right away...it takes time to build a trusting relationship to be able to do that. You could go just for daily coping skills in the beginning. I'm not sure these things will just magically go away without some type of professional support unfortunately. My therapist let me start by writing things down and I started very small, with the things that were easiest to share. I know how tough it is, but I don't know of a different way - I wish I did! BTW - you have nothing to be ashamed of, this was not your fault, and you deserved much better as a child!

[Still_sad_inside]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

You wouldn't necessarily need to discuss the abuse right away...it takes time to build a trusting relationship to be able to do that. You could go just for daily coping skills in the beginning. I'm not sure these things will just magically go away without some type of professional support unfortunately. My therapist let me start by writing things down and I started very small, with the things that were easiest to share. I know how tough it is, but I don't know of a different way - I wish I did! BTW - you have nothing to be ashamed of, this was not your fault, and you deserved much better as a child!

Thanks for the kind words. I am starting to think the getting professional is the only way. I have read every self-help book I could find yet I still feel empty. I am so angry over the emotional abuse that I get ill at the thought of having to see my parents.

I have found that as my kids are getting older it is getting harder to cope. I want to be a good parent but I am scared to let them out of my sight! My son when on a sleepover a few weeks back and I cried the whole night even though I knew he was in a safe place. I am twenty-eight years old how can I still be so affected by something that happened over seventeen years ago? Sorry to ramble thanks for listening.

[Can't Stop Crying]

My abuse ended almost 20 years ago and still haunts me to a certain degree. Therapy has helped a lot, even the times that it is really tough. I think sometimes when our kids hit milestones or ages or events that makes us think of ourselves at that age and that triggers the fear/anxiety. I know that's what happens to me. Parenting frequently throws me for a loop. I guess the one thing I can say about my parents is that they taught me how not to parent. I figure if I do almost everything opposite of them - then I'm doing the right thing. It's a sad fact that parents hurt their children....I've gone round and round trying to understand why - my T says I need to accept that I will probably never know the entire answer. I know my parents had difficulties growing up, but I have made a conscious choice to not continue the cycle. lord knows I'm never perfect, but I know I do the best I can with the skills I have and I know my children genuinely believe that I love them...something I never felt from my parents at all!

BTW - the best book I ever read on the topic is The Courage to Heal

[Sannah]

Still sad, I really hope that you do chose to find a therapist. It really is the only way to heal.

[Still_sad_inside]

I couldn't sleep last night and now I can't stop the "voices" in my head! I hate days like this and wish that I could control them more. I went out with a friend last night intending to disclose some of what I'm going through but I couldn't make the words come out. I'm so frustrated sometimes I feel like this will never go away. we started talking about a girl we are both concerned about and from my emotional reactions to the conversation I think she has figured out that something bad happened as a child but she was kind enough not to ask questions when I didn't offer any details. Why is it so hard to say the words that run through my head 24-7!!

I wish I could be "normal" I feel like if I tell anyone that they won't believe me and I will be rejected once again. The one incidence that I remember clearly when I was 11(by my father’s best friend) I told my mother what happened after my first sleepover with his daughter and she said that we could not tell my father because he would bet to mad. She sent me back to the house because she did not want my father to question why i did not what to go back. my only saving grace was that he and my father had a falling out a few months later and I never saw him again.
I just wish I could talk about this like I can write about it. Maybe in time, at least I hope so.

[elliemay]

Sometimes I think it is best to let sleeping dogs lie. You literally can drive yourself crazy trying to pinpoint things in the past and force a recall.

However, it may be that those years are lost to you forever. I think that is fine. Memory is a very very odd (and very tricky) thing.

Personally, I think the most important thing is to focus on the now, and reach out to seek professional help for the symptoms and problems that you are experiencing.

It's so important to realize that even though you enter therapy it does not mean that you have to immediately jump into the past. A lot of the work is done in the present with thoughts you are having right now.

My therapist and I have long come to the conclusion that I will likely never know what exactly happened to me, by whom and when. THat's okay, it doesn't change anything, it certainly doesn't change where I am right now.

I would give some thought into seeking out therapy, with a good licensed experienced therapist.

It could help a lot.