[arli]

That`s the one question.

How stop being sad and stop thinking always, like in background, about parent who was abusive and violent?

How forget the other ignorant parent?
These memories are painfull, destructive and make me siting for hours, looking at an empty point on the wall.

And why we have to choose similar characters for friends, lovers....even for marriage?

Why we tend to repeat the same pattern instead of going ahead?

I am asking myself these questions almost every day. I anyone here has some answers please - share it with me.

[dottie]

It's human nature to follow that which has become familiar.

[Lexicon78]

I don't want to rain on anyone's pain, but you never forget. Sure, we can forgive eventually, but the memory will always be there.

Although history has a nasty habit of repeating itself, I think you have found the key to changing it! The key is to pinpoint the problem. Now you can choose to go with it, go with the abuse, go with the harmful relationships, etc, or use this information to your advantage. Do everything in your power not to follow the same path, not be like these people in your past, and just not give in to what seems like it would be easier. Trust me, not doing anything, going with the flow, and doing what comes naturally is much easier than trying to make a change for the better.

Hang in there. We care about you!

[JustBen]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
arli said:Why we tend to repeat the same pattern instead of going ahead?

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Boy, isn't that the truth. I wish I could figure that one out.

[hillbunnyb]

I think we just keep chipping away at the kaka and replacing it with new good stuff. Shifting the balance to more good memories than bad memories in our brains and bodies. Time, awareness, effort. We've got our work cut out for us.

People here share support and tools and de-isolate the process. Knowing I am so not alone helps me alot.

Hang in there.

[arli]

Thank you all. Thank you for reading this and for being so suportive. Yes, it`s true that all we can do is to continue our lives and decide not to be like people who hurt us.

And, I am doing so as well.

But....funy thing... I went away from my home 19 years ago. Despite I still remember the horor of my childhood, with technically "great" mother but in the same time very violent, abusive person who humiliated me verbaly by every chance...now, when she is an old woman I am pity for her. I am still sorry she couldn`t love me more, or...she couldn`t be at least more gentle...and I still feel quilty....and I know I shouldn`t.

My feelings for my mother are so ambivalent...I forgave her already (and I know I shouldn`t ) and now I am almost ready to do enything, just to see one smile on her face, one single nice word. In the same time I hate her, I hate myself, I hate all my tryings to make her love me, to make people love me. I hate doing this all the time.

I spent almost my whole life trying to satisfy somebody, trying to deserve somebody`s love, to be worth of attention. And, in my personal or profesional life, I always chose people who were "small dictators" - their demands were unreachable...

So...what I am doing? Am I still trying "to satisfy" my mother and father and deserve their love?
Are my efforts to have an happy familly only my desperate need to see my parents together (they split before I was born and i met my father when I was 16).

That`s freaky - trying to satisfy persons who devastate your life. Being sorry for father (he died) who didn`t know nothing about me for years...Trying to keep my mother alive at any cost....And in the same time thinking about everything happened and feel like a big-big-nothing.

What`s wrong with me?

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((arli)))))))))))

I've put distance between the mother and I and am learning alot regarding the trauma bond that we had. I researched the trauma bond, actually, and it made so much sense in explaining the relationship that I held with her.

This is what answered some questions for me regarding abusive parental relationships and why I "put up" with so much. Even though it felt wrong, it was what I was used to.

I'm still searching, friend, and moving ahead as I do. Asking these questions will help you attain the answers that will make sense for you.

Peaceful thoughts coming to you.

KD

[jennie]

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arli said:
And why we have to choose similar characters for friends, lovers....even for marriage? Why we tend to repeat the same pattern instead of going ahead?

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I think it's unresolved issues from childhood that pop up in adulthood.

Below are listed the "adult child" list of common characteristics that many people who grew up in dysfunctional homes seem to share (by Dr. Janet G. Woititz):

Adult Children:

...guess at what normal is.

...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.

...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

...judge themselves without mercy.

...have difficulty having fun.

...take themselves very seriously.

...have difficulty with intimate relationships.

...overreact to changes over which they have no control.

...constantly seek approval and affirmation.

...feel that they are different from other people.

...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.

...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

[CJR520]

What worked for me was knowing that you do not have to forgive. I have gone on with a relationship with my parents, only it is one where I tolerate no abuse of me, my husband, or my children and grandchildren. It is working although there are bumps in the road. As intelligent human beings, we do not forget, but we are capable of making our own choices to protect ourselves.

[arli]

(((((((((((((KD))))))))))))))

Thanks for sharing your expirience with me. You gave me something to think about.

[arli]

Jennie, thank you.
The most of cited statements relate to me. It is time to try to change some of them.

[arli]

CJR520, thanks...I needed such honest answer as well.

I agree completely with you, but there are some periods I can`t do nothing cause of an unexplainable saddnes I feel. And than, despite I know what the right action is, I am just unable to move ahead.

Maybe is time to (finally) grow up and left all gohsts behind me.

[growingflower]

You know I asked my T this or something simular, I said I was so sick of being "screwed up" (used other words, I don't know if we are allowed to post them)

Well he said that there are 2 ways to look at it. Everyone has had something happen to them painful in their life, some worse than others, but we all need to learn to accept it and move on like everyone else does
OR
I am (screwed up) and so is everyone else.

I am still trying to deceide which path to take on healing.
I truely think you can never "forget" these tramatic things that have happened to us, but we can learn to live with it and try to move on and be happy in spite of it. I am still trying to do that part. Sometimes it just feels impossiable.