[Gez]

Hi,

I read in this forun somewhere that everyone has skeletons in the cupboard. I am no different. I've been battling with childhood issues for as longas I can remember and I'd like to start at the beginning and hope that I can receive support (which I badly need roght now) and some advise.

My parents married because of pregnancy. My Mother was 17 years older than my Father ( a good looking woman) but I was told she trapped him into marriage by becoming pregnant, with me. I think all his life he has resented me for that but I'm not sure. At the age of 7 years old I was suferring panic attacks. I grew up in an environment that was always tense and my father was a control freak and he still is. My mother was very timid and she would always do what he wanted. I remember him physically and verbally abusing me. Making me feel like [censored] basically. He worked all over the country and I was moved from school to school. I feel my life has been one big joke. There were times when we we became closer but only if I towed the line. I continued to be nervous and an anxiety ridden person and slowly over the years I resented him. He is a very self-opinionated man, pompous, selfish and highly critical of others. Only he could do things right. Throughout my twenties I became wild and drank heavily, I dont even know why but I couldn't cope with life. Six years ago my mother died of cancer, he told the family that she mustnt be told because she was also a very anxious person and couldn't deal with much. After my mother died I invited him into my home and cooked him his meals. At the same time I had my friend staying here because she'd ben having marital difficulties and needed a place to stay. Anyway, cuting a long story short, she is now living with my father and in a relationship. From then on things got worse between me and my father and we became estranged. I just couldn't cope anymore. I couldn't cope with the way he behaved towards me and others. He was fine and polite when I kept quiet and agreed with everything he said. As soon as I opend my mouth and disagreed with something he said, he'd make me feel small. I had that all my life Two years ago I found out he was dying of Prostrate cancer. I was upset to hear this because despite everything...he is my father and I do love him. He has told my siblings that if hes in hospital or sick that I am not to be told.

Three days ago he was taken into hospital with kidney failure. I only found out because his girlfriend told me and thought I should know, and I'm very grateful to her. My sister tried to persuade his girlfriend not to tell me as she pointed out that his wishes should be respected. I had spoken to her oin the phone days before and she knew all along he was in hospital and never told me. I was so angry with her and terribly hurt and felt betrayed. Although my father doesnt want me to know, there were other ways she could have dealt with this, I know I would have told her if I had been in her situation. So, I've had two really stressful days and I'm siting her feeling really anxious and hurt. I've been hurt all my life. I dont feel loved, not by anyone except for my beautiful children. I'm sick of people hurting me and I wish I could be stronger. I dont know how to deal with this present situation and I dont know how to deal with my life anymore. I'm 42 years old and I'm still made to feel like a child.

Thanks for listening.


Gez

[heidu]

Gez,
Here's a hug and some support. It's tough when the ones who should care the most seem to care the least. All I can say is shame on your father. He seems like a very selfish man. You shouldn't have to "tow the line" to have the love and respect of your father. I haven't spoken to my father in 3 years. I dont' miss him. I don't like him. He has never been a father to me in a kind nuturing way and has hurt me deeply. I decided one day that as much as I would like things to be...well normal for a lack of words, they never will be and I don't need to put in 100% to get back nothing. It still hurts cause I wish I had a dad.
It must hurt tremendously to know he doesn't want you at the hospital or to know he's sick. You said he was a control freak and I have to wonder if this isn't just another way for him to be just that. I can see no excuse for him to push you away like this and for other family members to back him up on it. IT's shameful that he would hurt you this way and on purpose.
Your mother may have trapped your father into marriage because she was pregnant, it has happened before BUT that doesn't make you any less of a person. You are still just as important and as good as anyone else. It wasn't your choice that your mother decided to do that and it wasn't your choice that you father married her or stayed in a relationship that he was unhappy in. It was his choice to be a lousy husband and a controlling, uncaring father. Don't take blame for his inabilities. It is not your fault.
It must also be very hard to see your father in a relationship with your friend. Again, if that caused problems between you and your father it is not on you. He made a choice once again to do something without thinking or caring how it would affect you. There are some lines you do not cross, I believe this to be one of them. You shouldn't need to cope with his decisions. He is only thinking of himself and his needs.
I look at it this way with my father. He was and is not a father, I do not need to be a daughter. I know it's hard because there is this bond with family that is always there and I wish things were different but the are not. I don't need someone in my life who only hurts me and makes me feel bad about myself. I am worth more than that. I am better than that. I know you are too.
There is a passage in the bible that says something like "a child pays for the fathers sins". I didn't get that for a long time. I thought it meant if dad was a sinner I was going to hell. NOT fair. Then I realized that this is how we pay. With hurt and broken hearts.
I hope you can find a place someday where you KNOW that your worth is not based on what your father does, feels or is. You are your own person and despite how he has treated you, you can rise above that and be your own person.
I am sorry you are hurting and I am sorry you aren't feeling loved. You do have your children and I know thier love is the best love. Hang on to that right now.
Hugs,
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Gez}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Oh my, what a time you are having right now. Heidu offered you some good and heartfelt advice.

What do you feel like doing? Do you want to visit him in the hospital? Write him a letter? I don't mean to be blunt hun but chances are that he may not live - how would that make you feel? I am sensing that you need to tell him how he has made you feel all these years. You have every right to be angry at him and now may be the time to do it. If you don't visit him, then write a letter...make sure someone gets it to him. He sounds like a bitter person and he needs to know how he made you feel.
Give your children some extra hugs today and let them know how much they mean to you. You will get more strength from their love to get through all of this. You also have us here and we are here for you. I am proud of you for reaching out to us.

Keep posting and stay in touch.

Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

[BARBEL]

My heart goes out to you. In my opinion, you should go see your dad if you want to. Just do it for yourself not for him.

I can relate to your situation very well. My mother did not want a relationship with me for many years because every time she had to see me it reminded her of the abuse she allowed to happen to me. It's tough when you love someone despite the hurt and abuse they inflicted on you and yet they reject you. It hurts more than the initial abuse.

Every time I would visit the family, she ended up with a nervous breakdown in the hospital. The hospital was always her hiding place. For many years I actually thought it was my fault that she was ill. She had always told me that I was an "accident" . I rarely felt loved and wanted during my childhood. A few year back, during one of my visits she ended up in the hospital again but this time I did not allow her to hide. I went to the hospital every day and I sat with her. My family was on edge, while they did not know the underlying factors of what prompted her to behave that way towards me, they were afraid that my visits would cause a total breakdown. I was afraid of that too but it was a chance I was willing to take. I needed this! It was a revelation for me to go to the hospital as an adult and understand that I had nothing to feel guilty about. I did not do this to my mother. For years I carried this guilt of being responsible for her misery simple because I existed. That feeling stopped after the visits. We still have difficult time relating to each other but things are better, at least for me. Everyone got used to the fact that I wasn't going away and in some small way I reclaimed my family.

My thoughts are with you,
Barbel

[Gez]

Dear Heidu, Heather and Barbel,

I want to thank all of you for replying to my post. I was feeling so lost when I wrote to the board, but it was such a comfort to know that you were thinking of me.

I'm talking to my dad again and I cant begin to tell you how relieved I am. He also spoke to my son and told him that hes glad that we are talking again. Although my upbringing affected me badly, I feel its pointless raking up the past. My dads health is more important now and I want us to build something special before I lose him for good. I'll let you know how things work out.

Take care,

((((((hugs))))))

Gez

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Gez}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

What a truly uplifting message you posted. Keep carrying these great thoughts of what is happening now between you and your Dad. You won't have any regrets.

I lost my mom last Christmas and I wish I could tell her one more time how much she meant to me just because..... I am at peace that I was able to tell her before she died...we had a terrific relationship with its usual ups and downs but to this day...I have no regrets.

I am so happy for you. Your Dad is a lucky man having you in his life.


Heather

[heidu]

Gez,
I am glad things are looking better for you and that you will be able to spend some time with your dad.
Take care of you,
Heidu

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has a Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has a Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

[legalism2freedom]

Wow! Reading all these posts brought tears to my eyes because I can truly relate to these issues. I was conceived by accident by two teenagers. I'm considered a 'bastard child.' My mother raised me by herself...as a teenager (15 yrs old). My father's mother (grandma) denied me and moved away when she found out I was about to be born. I didn't meet my father until I was 9 yrs.old. And, I asked to see him, not the other way around. So, my mother found him and set it up. Well, to make a LONG story short, both parents were controlling, belittling, domineering, and critical. I was NEVER allowed to express myself. If I did, I'd get punished. My mother was awesome at providing all the necessities in life since she worked and went to school (got a degree and became an ER nurse). However, she failed at being the nurturing and encouraging type. She was too busy screaming and cursing all the time..full of rage!

I developed a severe panic/anxiety attack disorder as a teenager, had my virginity cowardly stolen, and became suicidal from severe depression. I've always felt rejected by many people..friends and family being at the top of the list. Well, I'm now 34 and married with two boys. My panic attack disorder disappeared 4 years ago. My depression decreased 70%, and I no longer suffer with suicidal thoughts. HOWEVER, I'm very very angry with both families....mine and my husbands. In fact, I cut the ties completely not too long ago. They made me feel bad about myself, talked behind my back (negatively), interfered with my marriage by trying to turn my husband against me (his side), and never truly accepted me. Both families get quiet around me and don't say much. I'm an open, extroverted, down to earth, frank young lady. My hubby's family would have preferred a closed, introverted, sweet, reserved, and private young lady for their son. As for my family, I make them uncomfortable. They don't call me much and treat me as the reject/outcast of the family. I feel my husband will resent me if he's not able to have a relationship with his family. He's the easy going type and can handle them..to a degree. I know he'd want a relationship with them so he can hang with them on the holidays.

Any ideas from all of you??? You all have given the best advice I've seen yet!!!! I need help sorting through all this. I need to know HOW to deal with rejection, put myself in others shoes, and know who or who not to allow in my life. Also, my dad and I have clashed through the years and he keep LITTLE contact with me. My mom recently replaced me with a new daugher who she adopted from Russia.

Looking forward to hearing from all of you!

Steph