[googley]

I hate the way the abuse has f*cked up my life. No matter how much I work on it, it just screws it up more and it feels like I'm never going to be free of it. That it is going to hang over me forever and no one is ever going to love me. Every holiday just brings up the pain again. Reminds me that I have no one IRL who loves me. For some reason I think that it will be better with the next round of holidays but it never is. It just reminds me of how alone I feel. No wonder I get depressed around the holidays. FML.

[likewater]

(((((Googley))))) i hate what abuse has done to your life too. It's unfair. I wish you didnt feel so alone. I wish you lived in colorado springs bc you could just come on over to my house and hang out with me, my dog and two cats. My house is even clean for once.i dont know what abbreviation IRL or FML mean. I love you, sweetie i really do. I read all the beautiful things you write on here. Whatever you are feeling is ok and valid, but know you are loved. And it isn't difficult to love you at all.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((googley))))

Thank you for posting. I do validate how you feel and I understand what you are saying. Every holiday I too say this one will be different but somehow those feelings and emotions come back often stronger almost as if they are fighting against the very thing wanted. Every year I find us asking all over and wondering all over if anyone loves us or even ever really could.

You have worked so hard googley, do not take that away or allow the past to rob you of that. Abuse does something to a person and it seems to loom around even when we try hard to change all that we knew and to move forward. It puts questions back where we started to find an answer too all over again. For us it can hit us without notice and engulf us.

We try to hold onto someone's words of I love you but because it was engrained within that fear of love itelf, it is hard to understand how anyone could or if we really want to take the chance of love. Maybe it is because we cannot seem to love ourselves the love of others does not make sense. And we learned not to love ourselves or trust ourselves through the abuse and lies that were constantly told to us.

Even at times we try to at least like ourselves because love just does not make sense. Love became that okay to abuse or to trick us into the belief for so long that we were cared for but then it hurt and somewhere got all mixed up to us because for so long love =it is okay because=hurt=abuse=I love you now=you are safe now?

Somehow we are always waiting for that hurt if someone says that they love us, even today. Because that is what love was then and for so long----how does love change? I think we are always waiting for the other shoe to fall because it always did fall somewhere----somehow. For us if someone loves us then what is it we have to do to have that? Is that price something we can chance? Is the risk to find out worth the pain we knew or turned within away from?

Can we even trust ourselves or anyone else that it is truly safe now? And how do we know? We knew no better than to trust then even in the hurt because that is all we knew. Those questions come over and over. How do we know trust is safe, trust enough to even hear those words? Was it trust that first hurt us? Or was it our need to be loved as any child or person needs? Do we push away that very thing now from that fear yet needing it so much that even safe love becomes questioned or even lost? We reach only so far before something within pulls us back, snaps almost as a rubberband.

I do get how you feel googley, but you are not unlovable. I know if we never risk we will never know. Easier said than done, I know. I cannot write anymore right now as this is hitting hard. But please know that I do care and love you ((((googley)))). I do not know if any of this makes sense but I am listening and I do understand what you are saying or at least to the best I can with what we know. My heart goes out to you my friend, and you are not alone. Please hold onto that.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[needfixing]

i totally get how your feeling. i too was abused and it's a life journey of healing.
i don't want to step over boundaries, but it sounds like your frustrated too. like no one understands you.
for me part of healing was stop making others who never been abused understand what i went thru. for example, my hubby. he had a normal childhood, so when i explained what kind of childhood i had, he didn't respond the way i wanted him to respond. which triggered me to feel betrayed and alone again. understanding is the key for me.
some of the things i've been doing, i lean on my faith, i don't blame myself anymore, read books, write my thoughts out, the big one was 7 years ago i had a talk with my mother for not protecting me.
i am still a work in progress.
don't be so hard on yourself, take each day at a time.
(((hugs)))

[Sannah]

Googley you are doing so well in therapy. You will get there one day where you won't feel so bad during the holidays.

[Fuzzybear]

[googley]

Thank you everyone for your support. It means so much to know that I can come here and know that people understand. There are times where it is all so hard and it feels like everything is falling apart. Knowing I can come here and get support means so much.

[Open Eyes]

(((((googley))))

Yes it is nice to know that your not alone in your struggle, others understand the struggle. The holidays are hard to get through for many. Did you ever think of getting involved with a local abuse facility or even donate at a shelter of some kind? Often when we know suffering it is very helpful to reach out to others in need. Even a soup kitchen?

Why don't you see if there is anyplace you can donate your time to humanity, it can surprisingly fill a lot of need not only for others but ourselves.

Open Eyes

[kaliope]

Can you take the power away from the abusers and love yourself?

Prove you are worthy of love, regarless of what they have done to you?

[googley]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Did you ever think of getting involved with a local abuse facility or even donate at a shelter of some kind? Often when we know suffering it is very helpful to reach out to others in need. Even a soup kitchen?

Why don't you see if there is anyplace you can donate your time to humanity, it can surprisingly fill a lot of need not only for others but ourselves.

I understand that your reply is meant to be supportive, but I find it very condescending. You know NOTHING about what I do with my life. I spent three years volunteering for an agency 40hrs/wk and working a full time job. I am now taking classes in the same field (graduate school), working 20 hrs/wk, and doing a 25 hr/wk internship (where I HELP people).

For you to come in here and tell me that volunteering will solve my problems from years of emotional abuse ignores my pain. It sounds like you believe that you are better than everyone else and if I just "pulled myself up from my bootstraps" it would solve all my problems as I'm obviously just not helping others enough to feel good about myself. It makes it sound like I'm just a bratty child who doesn't value what I have. Being that while I have been in school I have had to decide between eating and being able to afford my medication, I understand the concept of sacrifice. For you to say that I need to do something for HUMANITY and it will make me feel all better is patronizing and dismissive of and the pain that I am in when I break to the point of being able to admit that I need help and reach out. One of the things I need to work on is NOT saying yes to everything that comes my way and stretching myself too thin. Humanity would be better served by me taking care of myself instead of trying to help more people. Well, unless you want me to get to the point where I totally break down.

[Sannah]

[kindachaotic]

Really sorry you are struggling. You do have a lot on your plate

Think everyone's intent on your post came from the heart in a good way.

Sometimes it feels like spinning your wheels & not getting too far. You are working so hard & I commend your efforts, they will pay off. It can seem so far away but there is a bright light for you at the end of this tunnel.

Take care of yourself.