guess he won

was so careful to protect myself. . .all this time i tried so hard to keep him away, to find my way out of the darkness, find a way to make a life. all thats over now. i am never going to be okay. i lost it today. just knew he found away to get to me, to break me like i've never been broken before. just completely broke down. told my pdoc to just put me away already, i'm nothing. just lost in the darkness. cant think straight. she says its paranoia and i just need treatment but i know he sent someone to hurt me cant make any sense anymore. they put me on antipsychotics. no hospital yet. guess cause i'm not a danger to anyone. love my children, dont want to be without them but i'm lost now, just everything is darkness and i'm afraid i'll never return. never going to have a life now. so afraid he will find me again and theres nothing left to break. opened up my heart and it was all a mistake. so foolish. i know i'm not making sense and the meds make me feel like i'm walking through water. just so angry. what was i thinking. i am never going to have a normal life. i know that now. he won. i am so entirely broken.

(((((((((((((greenfairy))))))))))))

Deep within there is a beautiful spark of you. That spark is held safe and can't be damaged, was not damaged, and holds your true self save. Just try to hear that spark and follow it and believe it. Good luck.

no spark left. nothing left. begged for mercy and he kept eating away and eating away and now theres nothing left. just gone completely gone. dont care about anything anymore. its all just darkness. there is nothing good or pure in this world. i know that now.

greenfairy ... ... just ... feeling sad for you.

greenfairy, please know there is a large spark in you. You are going through so much inside and I know you are confused and scared. Hang in there and be safe. I am thinking about you.

greenfairy you are not nothing. Don't let some sick, angry person destroy you. Wisewoman is indeed wise. Re-read what she wrote. It's true, (and so poetic).
Thinking of you ... please stay safe.
And btw, you are making sense.

greenfairy....
first dont resign yourself to be defeated....
you are giving up on yourself.
abusive men are LOSERS and can never truly win.
thier victory at causing you pain is short lived for them.
they are no better off for treating you bad...
so HE DID NOT WIN.
it is so discouraging that you have lost hope and your strength to pick yourself up seems barely there.but its obviously there, inside you... waiting, resting, gathering the strength.... that internal force we all possess....
that cant be killed, only weakend. you have to nurture it so it can survive.
so look at yourself in the mirror, if that action makes you cry, then wipe the tears off your cheek.... put your hands on your cheeks and feel the warmth.... the warmth radiating through you from that force inside burning....
just ask yourself ALOUD how long you must continue to suffer...
find strength somewhere, like a bird who searches for a worm... you search inside until you find it !
dont waste away.... you are far too special and important in this world.

if you dont mind religious reference... read this. its a poem (psalm) that has enabled me many times to drag my half cold body from the depths of depression.
Psalm 13

As you reached out to me, I reach out to you. using a community like this is a wonderful way of not walking through those waters alone. we are here beside you, wading through the waters with you, being drawn to and by the lighthouse past the rocks. as you reached out to me i reach out to you. be well and safe.

Hi Greenfairy.
RUN.....Why do you have to put up with this treatment. You are your own person and only you are responsible for your own happiness. You have a choice to make and I would hope that the choice would be 'you'. Get away from all of your hardships and concentrate on 'you'. I will prey for you my friend.

((((((((((((Greenfairy))))))))))))))))

I'm thinking of you! Please let us know how you are doing. We are here for you!