what do I do????

To start, I've never told anyone about this.
So it all started when i was pretty young,like 5 or 6.I lived with my mom,dad,my sibling and my older cousin (who was like a teenager at the time). As far back as i could remember he would come into my room and do "stuff" to me,I was young so I didn't know what was really going on.This happend for years,it never progressed beyond touching but after I started to age (at 10 or 11) he would follow me around the house, watched me change and sleep,he even watched me from the widow whenever i was outside. He'd tell me things like:
"this is all your fault"
"you like it when i touch you"
"when im done with you no one will ever want or love you"
I never felt safe,even now.
Dark rooms terrify me, I feel as if hes in there waiting for me.I can't even look into one without thinking about what happend to me.I'm 17, and i can't fall asleep unless there some sort of light shining into my room. Sadly I don't remember anything from my child hood other than this

I've always wanted to tell someone ,but it terrifies me that they might see me as "dirty" and won't love me anymore.But I just can't live with it any more, I don't plan on taking more own life just don't want to be alone with this anymore

Hey Rings
So sorry to hear this happened to you. You do know that everything he said to you was a lie? I think you need to seek out the help of a therapist. Your guidance counsellor can point you in the right direction. Are you still in school? If not, do some research in your area. I don't know how it works in your country, but where I'm from under 18 can get free therapy at state run facility. It is very important that you get help asap! The longer you wait, the more it will fester and poisen your mind and body. He was a scummbag piece of s*** that lied, manipulated and abused you. You didn't deserved it, didn't asked for it and don't have to live with it for the rest of you life. But you would have to deal with it. And that is where a therapist is needed.
Most important - YOU ARE NOT DIRTY! Remember that.
Thank you for sharing your story. We are here to support.
(((Rings)))
Ps . I also still sleep with a light on.

I'm so sorry that these things happened to you.

I'm glad that you were able to speak here. Good job!

I agree that seeing a therapist could be extremely valuable.

You are not dirty and I don't see you as dirty. On the contrary, I admire you for having the strength and the courage to speak here. You are not at fault for the evil that was done to you.

Are you just now starting to talk about this? (Even just online) I ask because I recently started too, and things have been excruciating and raw lately. It gets a little better after a little while, but you're not going to get much relief until you talk to a professional. If you want to disclose what happened to your mom, then the therapist can help you. THEY WILL NOT THINK BAD ABOUT YOU.

You know what he did was the same as being an adult abusing a child. He used his power over you and hurt you. If you heard about a little girl who got abused by a grown up, you wouldn't think they were dirty. You were abused, and their shame is their's not yours.

Your story is a lot like mine. And I'm afraid of the dark too. You're not alone. Good luck, be nice to yourself, you didn't deserve anything that happened.

Welcome to PC Rings. I'm really sorry that that happened to you. I agree that getting a therapist would be really good so that you can work through this.

Therapy! Definitely therapy. The abuse was not your fault, and what he did was a crime. You should go to therapy so that you can fully understand how this has impacted your self esteem. The abuse is not a reflection of you. You are not dirty.

When I first talked about my abuse I was a teenager and I told a good friend, and after she knew I couldn't look her in the face or talk to her because I thought she knew how dirty and gross I was...but she never felt that way. That was just me projecting. It's scary talking about this stuff, but you can do it, and you will come out on the other side and experience healing. Talk. Therapy. I strongly encourage it. Say all the things that you can't picture yourself saying out loud. Its the stuff we don't say that kills us the slowest. Proud of you for opening of online.

I feel alot better knowing that the view people have of me has not change. I have started therapy, which has helped me feel so much better about who Iam as a person.
Thank you for caring

Good Work!

Well done!