[Dreamy01]

I've always had problems describing and validating the feelings I have about my childhood. I can't say I was SA because I wasn't, at least not in the way most SA is conducted. My T thinks what happened was sexually abusive, but without going into details, it wouldn't be taken seriously by most people.

My upbringing was chaotic and dysfunctional. I certainly didn't have any boundaries or emotional closeness. I lived inside my head. I was warned not to speak to people in the same house because they hated eachother and wanted me to hate them too. I didn't 'fit in' the family as I was born much later and to a different father. I was an aunt as a small child. I was afraid all the time as people in the house hated me, there was violence (not at me) and out of control emotions, I kept the status quo by being 'mother's pet' so she wouldn't fall apart...

I find it very hard to pinpoint my childhood to 'abuse.' Even neglect sounds false. My mother came to my parents evenings at school, she watched me in plays. She was proud, I think, of my achievements. But she wasn't there emotionally. My father loved me and still does, but there was absolutely nothing but fear of our relationship as a child.

When I married my ex he told me people would laugh at me if I told people I was abused. He said my experiences are nothing compared to what others have been through. I still feel ashamed when I read the shocking abuse and neglect so many people here and on other sites have been through. I don't see how I can begin to feel bad about my own experiences. I certainly can't begin to tell people in my life (outside of t) that my childhood was hard because my parents come across as nice, reasonable people (in some ways they are) and what happened then is now over with. Even other members of the family have settled down somewhat.

But I'm left with an emptiness. I feel my childhood was a lot of nothingless. That's how it feels to me. Living in my head, writing my stories...they were all I had. But I wasn't abused as such. I wasn't attacked. I had food (albeit crap food and I microwaved it myself) and I had books and belongings. My mother even paid for me to have private lessons in a subject that I loved. She cared. So why do I feel so bad? I don't know how to find the words...

I guess I feel so ashamed today. I'm the only member of my family to seek therapy, to be dependent on someone else to get through. Everyone else coped. Everyone else survived. I wonder if there's just something wrong with me for feeling like this?

[likewater]

((((Dreamy01))) please read the courage to heal. It lists what constitutes sa. There are tons of things that happened to me that were abuse i didnt think were. Also, i had a lot of repressed memories. My sister was in therapy and i told her, " i'm glad i wasnt abused." Her jaw dropped. She handed me the book and said read this page. I said, "oh." Then my life changed. I realized i was. And another thing i learned is abuse is abuse and the effects are DEVASTATING. You cant measure abuse and say person A is in more pain than person B because they were covered in bruises etc. It just doesnt work that way. As it turns out both person Aand person B are in horrific pain if they were abused. That's what abuse does. Especially SA. And with SA of course comes the others like emotional abuse
etc that naturally follow. Be gentle with yourself. Dont listen to people that dont know what they are talking about.

[mortimer]

It still effected you. You won't go forward berating yourself like this. Own it and move through it the best you can. If you look at your own trauma as unimportant next to others, that invalidates you and it's not fair to you. Even someone who's been abused badly has had it better than others. You can't say that that makes it OK. You can't just snap out of something that hurt you because, "it shouldn't have bothered me anyway"

I feel like I wasn't sexually abused throughout childhood because he and I are the same age. How can I speak about what happened to me when others got touched by their fathers?

I don't feel like it's valid.

I feel like you about childhood too. There were good times, but I felt so numb and empty. There were horrible times too. How can the bad times be valid, if there were good times?

AND I HATE. I hate that my parents put on such an amazing front to everyone about how nice and supportive they were, because they weren't like that all the time.

I just wanted to let you know I feel the same way, and I hear you. It doesn't make it easier, but it's something. Stay strong.

[Dreamy01]

Thank you both for your kind and supportive posts.

Likewater I've heard of that book but never read it so I will look out for it. I'm glad you were able to realise how bad your experiences were. My T thinks my experiences were pretty bad but it's very difficult (for me anyway) to categorise them as this, that or the other. I see what you mean about it not being about comparisons. I guess I feel I shouldn't be feeling the way I do which is madness I know as feelings are feelings.

Mortimer -Thank you, too. Yes I understand your feelings very well. It's hard when there's good and bad experiences to draw on. The emptiness is a very strong feeling for me. I'm sorry you were SA and do understand how it can make you feel different to those who were SA by fathers even though the effects are the same. I guess I feel guilty because my parents seem so loving in many ways and people like them, especially my mother. They don't realise just how unboundaried and scary my upbringing was. That causes me to doubt myself and my experience. But then I wonder why I got so attached to people and still have such an obsessive craving for love and affection if my childhood was okay. My mother said I got loads of hugs but I don't remember one that didn't feel shameful and unsafe.

Rambling now...thanks for understanding.

[Girlio]

Sometimes you need to make things black and white because we spend too much time wallowing in the gray area. If something happened that made you uncomfortable, even if nobody ever touched you but just exposed you to things that were not age appropriate, ie dirty magazines, or exposed themsevles or walked around the house naked. If someone touched you doesn't matter if it happened once or a dozen times, doesn't matter if it was over the clothes or under the clothes, if it was between a child an adult its a crime, if it was child on child it is still abuse. IT AFFECTED YOU. Label it. Put a label on it and own it. And then work to heal. And don't listen to the husband that said people would laugh at you, traumatic experiences should never be compared. The only TRUTH is YOUR TRUTH. If you felt violated, YOU WERE VIOLATED. The emotional toll of sexual abuse is so expansive and when we allow ourselves to belittle it or justify it by comparison it prevents the healing process. I am validating you. A professional therapist VALIDATED YOU. It is OK to be hurt by something...when it comes to abuse the word 'severity' is mute. The truth is THAT WE ARE AFFECTED BY IT AND RIGHTLY SO.

Keep talking with your therapist. Tell them all your insecurities. FEEL VALIDATED.

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by Girlio

Sometimes you need to make things black and white because we spend too much time wallowing in the gray area. If something happened that made you uncomfortable, even if nobody ever touched you but just exposed you to things that were not age appropriate, ie dirty magazines, or exposed themsevles or walked around the house naked. If someone touched you doesn't matter if it happened once or a dozen times, doesn't matter if it was over the clothes or under the clothes, if it was between a child an adult its a crime, if it was child on child it is still abuse. IT AFFECTED YOU. Label it. Put a label on it and own it. And then work to heal. And don't listen to the husband that said people would laugh at you, traumatic experiences should never be compared. The only TRUTH is YOUR TRUTH. If you felt violated, YOU WERE VIOLATED. The emotional toll of sexual abuse is so expansive and when we allow ourselves to belittle it or justify it by comparison it prevents the healing process. I am validating you. A professional therapist VALIDATED YOU. It is OK to be hurt by something...when it comes to abuse the word 'severity' is mute. The truth is THAT WE ARE AFFECTED BY IT AND RIGHTLY SO.

Keep talking with your therapist. Tell them all your insecurities. FEEL VALIDATED.

a big DITTO to what girlio said. and thank you, i needed to hear that too. dont listen to what other people think or say. THEY didnt experience it...YOU did. stick with your T...they hear about SA all the time and if she considers what you went through that serious then it is/was. its hard to swallow, i know....and i cant be a hypocrite cause its still hard for me to swallow too...but the bottom line is it effected you and you deserve and owe it to yourself to work through it and move past it and heal. best of luck to you. you're not alone.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

My upbringing was chaotic and dysfunctional. I certainly didn't have any boundaries or emotional closeness. I lived inside my head. I was warned not to speak to people in the same house because they hated eachother and wanted me to hate them too. I didn't 'fit in' the family as I was born much later and to a different father. I was an aunt as a small child. I was afraid all the time as people in the house hated me, there was violence (not at me) and out of control emotions, I kept the status quo by being 'mother's pet' so she wouldn't fall apart...

This would mess anyone up. Childhood is for development and for a healthy development the environment needs to be safe, in control, with healthy boundaries, emotional closeness, loving interactions, etc. Good luck to you and keep us posted on how you are doing?

[mrmanatee]

Dreamy, "a lot of nothingness" is exactly how I feel about my childhood too. But love is one of a child's basic needs is LOVE. So if you didn't get it as a child, you were being severely neglected. It's also completely twisted to go through the motions of a loving parent without giving your child any emotional closeness.
I wasn't sexually abused though people always ask if I was so I also sometimes feel like my experiences don't stack up against people who were sexually or verbally abused. But ultimately, we were damaged by our experiences and we need to get better.

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

I've always had problems describing and validating the feelings I have about my childhood. I can't say I was SA because I wasn't, at least not in the way most SA is conducted. My T thinks what happened was sexually abusive, but without going into details, it wouldn't be taken seriously by most people.

My upbringing was chaotic and dysfunctional. I certainly didn't have any boundaries or emotional closeness. I lived inside my head. I was warned not to speak to people in the same house because they hated eachother and wanted me to hate them too. I didn't 'fit in' the family as I was born much later and to a different father. I was an aunt as a small child. I was afraid all the time as people in the house hated me, there was violence (not at me) and out of control emotions, I kept the status quo by being 'mother's pet' so she wouldn't fall apart...

I find it very hard to pinpoint my childhood to 'abuse.' Even neglect sounds false. My mother came to my parents evenings at school, she watched me in plays. She was proud, I think, of my achievements. But she wasn't there emotionally. My father loved me and still does, but there was absolutely nothing but fear of our relationship as a child.

When I married my ex he told me people would laugh at me if I told people I was abused. He said my experiences are nothing compared to what others have been through. I still feel ashamed when I read the shocking abuse and neglect so many people here and on other sites have been through. I don't see how I can begin to feel bad about my own experiences. I certainly can't begin to tell people in my life (outside of t) that my childhood was hard because my parents come across as nice, reasonable people (in some ways they are) and what happened then is now over with. Even other members of the family have settled down somewhat.

But I'm left with an emptiness. I feel my childhood was a lot of nothingless. That's how it feels to me. Living in my head, writing my stories...they were all I had. But I wasn't abused as such. I wasn't attacked. I had food (albeit crap food and I microwaved it myself) and I had books and belongings. My mother even paid for me to have private lessons in a subject that I loved. She cared. So why do I feel so bad? I don't know how to find the words...

I guess I feel so ashamed today. I'm the only member of my family to seek therapy, to be dependent on someone else to get through. Everyone else coped. Everyone else survived. I wonder if there's just something wrong with me for feeling like this?

[Dreamy01]

Thank you so much everyone, it really helps to hear other's perspectives.

The nothingless is why I think it is so hard to put my experiences into words. There's nothing to put into words...at least, that's how I feel about most of it. I do talk about some experiences which are more concrete and have potentially caused me great difficulties, but the vast majority of my childhood was empty. I wasn't even really 'brought up' as such...it was just chaos and confusion. There was no proper family life, no togetherness, no boundaries. I clung to my mother so much because she was the one who my life depended on. I appreciate what she did give me but the was a lot of lack. It is difficult to explain 'lack' to those who have more secure backgrounds and almost expect abuse to always be sexual.

My current t takes my background a lot more seriously than my former t who took the stance that they all did the best they could and that's it.

I guess it does come down to how it felt for me and it felt empty.

It has helped to post here thanks. I'm sorry that people are struggling with similar things.

[Dreamy01]

I just wish I had a brother or sister. A proper one who shares the same parents. It was my biggest wish as a child that I had someone who was in that situation with me.

I have half sisters and bro but they are much older and had no interest. I had nieces who hated me. I just wanted someone who was like me so I wasn't the pathetic oddball. I only had m.

[mortimer]

I always wished I had a twin because they'd understand me for sure. They wouldn't be like the grownups and be annoyed and bothered by me and when I acted out.

Do you remember your childhood all the way? Mine feels like a mixed up mess. There are so many pieces missing.

[BeKindToMyMistakes]

pm'd you dreamy

[Open Eyes]

Hi mortimer,

Well, everyone is different in what they remember about their childhoods. We don't usually remember everyday. We remember things that impressed us the most.

It really is an individual thing. For me, I remember a lot actually, however I was a hypervigillant child, I had to be. But I also remember where I found comfort too as a child. I remember teachers that were good and nurturing and the ones that scared me too. And then there were grades where I don't really remember the teacher at all.

Yes, it would be nice to have a twin that truely understands us, I hear you.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[likewater]

Dreamy01, i understand where your first T was coming from. That your parents did the best they could. I think ALL parents do the best they can. When my mom repeatedly tried to kill us and she abused us in every way she WAS doing the best she could. She is schizophrenic and very ill. No parent starts out saying, " i' m going to make little Johnny' s life a living hell ! Yep , that's my patental goal. " i think parents who abuse are just very damaged and they dont have any resources or knowledge or tools or skills for parenting either. They arent even equipped for life skills much less parenting. I'm not saying this is an excuse for their behavior, just maybe an explanation. Im very confused how feel about my mom. I love her because she is my mom. I remember moments she was
Kind. I feel like that was her true self shining through she isnt ever like that anymore. I hate her too. She can be a monster.i'm very afraid of her.

Oh , i guess i'm very lucky i have a sister and brother. None of us are twins. My sister and i look a little alike though. I think she's prettier. I love them both more than i can describe.

[Dreamy01]

Originally Posted by mortimer

I always wished I had a twin because they'd understand me for sure. They wouldn't be like the grownups and be annoyed and bothered by me and when I acted out.

Do you remember your childhood all the way? Mine feels like a mixed up mess. There are so many pieces missing.

I remember most of my childhood. It was a mixture of good and bad, but mostly bad. It was very lonely.

[Dreamy01]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Hi mortimer,

Well, everyone is different in what they remember about their childhoods. We don't usually remember everyday. We remember things that impressed us the most.

It really is an individual thing. For me, I remember a lot actually, however I was a hypervigillant child, I had to be. But I also remember where I found comfort too as a child. I remember teachers that were good and nurturing and the ones that scared me too. And then there were grades where I don't really remember the teacher at all.

Yes, it would be nice to have a twin that truely understands us, I hear you.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

Yes I remember a lot too and was also a very hypervigilant child for necessary reasons. I had some nice teachers but I didn't really take any notice of them until I was older and less dissociated.

My mum lost a baby (by my dad) before she had me. I often wonder about it. Obviously I might not have lived if the baby had existed but I like to think I would've had a sibling.

[Dreamy01]

Yes I understand my first t's words too. I guess I just feel upset that she never really went into the past or tried to understand my feelings about it. At times it even seemed like she was saying my feelings weren't valid. Don't get me wrong, on an adult level she was a fab t, but she didn't really go into the past much and wanted me to just let it go under the notion that everyone did the best they could and that's that. I agree that we can only act according to our level of conscious awareness, but I wanted my feelings heard and understood. My current t works along the lines that my childhood wasn't good enough, and while my family might've did the best they could, I needed more.

It was a tricky issue but I do see all sides. I'm just very upset right now

I'm glad you have siblings and a belonging of sorts. My siblings have no interest in me at all, we are strangers.

Originally Posted by likewater

Dreamy01, i understand where your first T was coming from. That your parents did the best they could. I think ALL parents do the best they can. When my mom repeatedly tried to kill us and she abused us in every way she WAS doing the best she could. She is schizophrenic and very ill. No parent starts out saying, " i' m going to make little Johnny' s life a living hell ! Yep , that's my patental goal. " i think parents who abuse are just very damaged and they dont have any resources or knowledge or tools or skills for parenting either. They arent even equipped for life skills much less parenting. I'm not saying this is an excuse for their behavior, just maybe an explanation. Im very confused how feel about my mom. I love her because she is my mom. I remember moments she was
Kind. I feel like that was her true self shining through she isnt ever like that anymore. I hate her too. She can be a monster.i'm very afraid of her.

Oh , i guess i'm very lucky i have a sister and brother. None of us are twins. My sister and i look a little alike though. I think she's prettier. I love them both more than i can describe.

[likewater]

dreamy01, definitely your childhood wasnt good enough! just because someone does the best they can, doesnt mean they did well. even Hitler thought he was doing the right thing. ((((dreamy01))) I didnt mean to invalidate your feelings.

[Dreamy01]

Oh no, I didn't think you were invalidating me Likewater, I completely understood where you were coming from. Thank you for the hugs though. I just reacted out of upset over my former t's perspective, which of course was well meant, but didn't scratch the itch of wanting to be understood. Thank you!

[likewater]

Yeah, Dreamy01, not all T' s are always helpful. Sometimes they can even make things worse if they dont understand effects of
abuse. Glad you have another one now. :-)