"...Forgiveness is for your own benefit, not the other person's." I just don't understand. "Well, you're not sorry and you don't even acknowledge you did anything wrong, but it's all OK. I'll pretend it never happened, give you a clean slate, keep you in my life, and continue to let you treat me however you're going to treat me. Then when you keep on doing the same thing, I'll just take it with a smile and act like you're not doing it, because I've forgiven you, and that means everything you do is OK. Here, I'll bend over now, and let you kick me wherever you want to." HOW is this to my advantage and not the other person's? How is it going to bring me that peace everybody keeps telling me it will?

For every one person who tells me that what the other person (my mother) did is wrong, there are dozens telling me I have to forgive "for my own benefit." They ignore, deny, or minimize the wrong that was done, and expect me to also. I just don't get it.

[roads]

Forgiving is something is do for myself, so that I can more on. It's my way of getting that little rock out of my shoe that constantly irritates my foot.

But though I forgive, I don't forget the lessons I've learned or the precautions I need to take to protect myself. If it's my mom who's mistreating me, I'll forgive her so I can move beyond the anger and find a saner way of coping with her. That may mean I limit phone calls, or even refuse to speak to her on the phone. It may mean I walk out of rooms while she's talking to me. It may mean whatever I work out with my therapist as a reasonable way of coping--something which doesn't end with me hysterical, in tears, feeling like crap.

So yes, forgive, that's the first step. But after that, everything is different.

At least, that's how I do it.

I'm not sure what you're going through, but it sounds like someone's giving you a really hard time. I hope you can get it all worked out--fast!

Roadie

[Trippin2.0]

Forgiveness is not about the person who hurt you. Forgiving them doesn't mean giving them permission to continue hurting you. Forgiveness is setting yourself free from the enormous burden anger becomes. Forgiveness (to me anyway) is saying, I accept that you hurt me, and I can never change that, but I refuse to live in bondage, I don't want to be consumed by your actions or by my anger. I am moving forward toward healing...
.
And yes, I applied it to my abuser (brother) so I know it is possible, and it's a very freeing experience indeed.
.
Take care

[sabby]

(((((((((((((( LBF ))))))))))))))

I so understand where you are coming from. Forgiveness is sometimes a very hard concept to come by. As another poster said, it truly is a freeing experience but, it may only come when we have been able to work through much of our abuse.

I was able to forgive my abusers. This did not mean that they were "off the hook" or that "what they did was ok", not by any stretch of the imagination. It came when I was finally able to realize that they were sick. To me, that was not an excuse, but a reason as to why they did what they did. It came when I realized that I had no control over what they did, but I did find control over how I dealt with the aftermath.

Forgiveness came when the burden of being so angry and hurt and I realized it was affecting my relationships with family and friends and at work. The relationships I had were because I wanted to have them, and it was not their fault that I was abused and hurt. They didn't deserve my anger and frankly, neither did I. It was too heavy, it was too harmful to me.

No, forgiveness was not for the benefit of the abuser. Forgiveness was for my benefit and for my loved ones. It also included forgiveness for myself for the way I treated others because of the abuse inflicted upon me. When I forgave myself, it was like a new day had dawned. I was able to apologize to those I treated unfairly and I received forgiveness from them as well.

I pray that someday soon you will find a way to forgive yourself and your abuser. It will come to you when you are ready for it. It will come to you when you have worked through your emotions, it will take time. Please be easy on yourself through this process.

[torn2020]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

"...Forgiveness is for your own benefit, not the other person's." I just don't understand. "Well, you're not sorry and you don't even acknowledge you did anything wrong, but it's all OK. I'll pretend it never happened, give you a clean slate, keep you in my life, and continue to let you treat me however you're going to treat me. Then when you keep on doing the same thing, I'll just take it with a smile and act like you're not doing it, because I've forgiven you, and that means everything you do is OK. Here, I'll bend over now, and let you kick me wherever you want to." HOW is this to my advantage and not the other person's? How is it going to bring me that peace everybody keeps telling me it will?

For every one person who tells me that what the other person (my mother) did is wrong, there are dozens telling me I have to forgive "for my own benefit." They ignore, deny, or minimize the wrong that was done, and expect me to also. I just don't get it.

I don't know about forgiveness, but I do agree that getting away from the situation is what I did. I still get very depressed, scared, & cry over the emotional scars the abuse left. I have even tried to forgive but that is when I start to feel angry so I can't forgive my dad. It might be the fact that he didn't just hurt me, he hurt others that I love. Anyway I don't know your situation but if you can just break free of it, you deserve to be treated better, you deserve the best.

[haier]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Forgiveness is not about the person who hurt you. Forgiving them doesn't mean giving them permission to continue hurting you. Forgiveness is setting yourself free from the enormous burden anger becomes. Forgiveness (to me anyway) is saying, I accept that you hurt me, and I can never change that, but I refuse to live in bondage, I don't want to be consumed by your actions or by my anger. I am moving forward toward healing...
Take care

this is also what forgiveness means for me. also might i add...forgiveness is not about forgetting. it is a personal choice that you make when you feel ready. nobody should be telling you to forgive because it should be YOU who decides this. i'm so sorry you were hurt, you did not deserve that. please remember that you matter and you are important and nobody has a right to hurt you. sometimes our past hurts make us feel like we don't deserve better but you do. you deserve happiness. here with you.

[bluemountains]

I need to find a way to resolve and be at peace with what happened to me. That's how I believe I will find a way to forgive. I'm not there yet.
Bluemountains

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

I need to find a way to resolve and be and be at peace with what happened to me. That's how I believe I will find a way to forgive. I'm not there yet.
Bluemountains

I would just like to touch on this, for you and LBF.
.
Forgiveness is a personal journey, you or others cannot force you to forgive. Only you will know when you've reached that point, but what I was trying to bring across in my point is being open to the possibility. It was also a concious decision on my part, 1 I could not have made without some semblence of faith. Forgiveness isn't easy, getting to the point where you decide to forgive isn't easy either, but when you do find it, it's worth it.

[Sannah]

If someone hurts me and they don't acknowledge or apoligize for it they get moved into a different category for me. This category includes very strong boundaries to keep distance and minimal interaction and a flat affect. They have lost the privilege of interacting with me. And my guard will always be up for these people because they cannot be trusted.

My cousin just said a mouthful for me: "You might forgive a snake for biting you, but that doesn't mean you'd be dumb enough to pick it up again."

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

My cousin just said a mouthful for me: "You might forgive a snake for biting you, but that doesn't mean you'd be dumb enough to pick it up again."

Oh, I am getting THAT tattooed on my a s s (yes, there's still room)

[notablackbarbie]

I keep going back to this thread...
I get it, i should, i need to; to let go, move forward, progress beyond, to be more open, to heal, to live.
Yet it hurts, i cant and am too angry/afraid/ashamed to approach; too far behind too late too screwed up too bad = instead give me the punishment judgement and condemnation.
Dont know why this hits so hard and is just so much. Like what happens afterwards - is it really that safe/possible to be so open and alive?
......sorry, couldnt keep this in anymore

I know the feeling exactly, NABB.