Hello all

Sorry to plunge right in with a question - I've done a general introduction over on the relevant thread, but this is where I really belong, unfortunately, as I am sure none of us want to belong here.

A little background on myself - raised by a depressed and not comps-mentus mother, and a depressed, periodically alcohol-dependent father. Mother was abused by her father, and told me about it in great detail. Her brothers were also. Mother abused me emotionally, physically, verbally. I was pretty much her carer, but doctors wouldn't help. My father seemed blind to all this. He could be quite violent, but I believe he was a good man, and he became much better in the later years - he died when I was 18 in a car crash and I miss him terribly. My mother is now much better and still in my life, but has little recollection of the abuse, which makes things strained between us. I have a younger sister, who was always very quiet and boring, who recently went spectacularly off the rails. I thought I protected her from any abuse but now think I may not have done as well as I thought.

Anyway, I believe I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I can remember sitting on his knee and feeling an erection, and other instances where I would experience this white noise, burning heat, utter panic - I only remembered this once my father died, as I experienced the exact same response when the policeman told me he had been killed in an accident. It all came back to me, that sensation. I used to beg not to be alone with my grandfather, and yank my sister off his knee if she was on it. Because I cannot remember actual touching though, I have always felt very guilty about thinking I was sexually abused (I was sexually abused by lots of other people as a teen, which I remember vividly, but this is different for me, and the thing which traumatises and troubles me most).

Last night, I had a piercing memory, of being small, and a very large (for my size) finger being inside me, with a scratching nail. I couldn't place the finger, where I was, what was happening, but it was so clear, I knew it was real.

Today, things have been falling into place to kind of further prove what I have always felt I have known. As a child I had very frequent terrible urinary tract infections, but anti-biotics didn't help, and the doctors couldn't find a cause. I went to all kinds of specialists, I particularly remember the kidney ones, and they couldn't find anything wrong with me. They eventually just said to drink more water, which I did, but no amount of water helped. When I turned 9 or so, they stopped, and didn't return until I was a sexually active teenager. I also remember now, having cuts and grazes and sores on my inner labia as a young child, and how uncomfortable they made me.

I suppose my question is, has anyone else experienced these kind of sensory flashbacks, and the piecing together of information, and would you think I was reaching the correct conclusions? I've felt faint and sick with it, as I feel things clicking, as though things are indisputable. I know he was capable of sexual abuse, and for a long time I thought that my suspicions that he abused me were just based on the vivid stories my mother used to tell me of him abusing her - I used to dream about her abuse - but I never had any physical memories tied to them, more like they were old black and white movie scenes that would play over and over in my head. I would hate to say I was abused by him, and it not be true. I was brought up with a mixture of Buddhism and Catholicism, so have great guilt over making accusations, and a fear that my dead father, my now-dead potentially abusive grandfather (who died when I was 20), and my father's dead parents (who I loved very much), watching me from some other space, and calling me, knowing me to be, a liar.

I'm so sorry for such a long post - I hope this hasn't frustrated or upset anyone, and I really would appreciate some input. My other half finds it very difficult talking about these things with me, and my counsellor cancelled our appointment, so I feel very alone at the minute.

x

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you have memories that are surfacing and it is normal to question them and even wonder if they are accurate. After all these are memories of a child so they can be confusing. Keep a journal and give it time. I had this happen to me too and with time I got better at sorting it out. With me, my memories and emotions were the truth, and I also felt like I was doing something wrong when I talked about it. That is something you also felt back then too.

Be very patient and kind to yourself with this. It IS going to take you time to work through it and sort it out. Just remember that these are memories and they are not taking place now. So try to remember to self sooth and try to remain as calm as you can.

(((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

Thank you Open Eyes - it's nice to have some kind words. I try journalling but find it quite challenging to focus on things enough to put them down. I will try and do that though, rather than trying to piece it all together in my head.

Something which has fallen further into place is that I now remember being terrified of my grandfather before my mother told me about her abuse - I managed to put the houses we were in in the right order, I always thought it was that she told me, and then I was scared, but now I remember she told me when I was about 8, long after the memories of being scared began.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to help x

[bluemountains]

I, too, get my memories in bits, and some memories don't make sense. I even have odd triggers from bits of memories that seem to have nothing to do with an abusive situation, but make me panic. These may be certain smells, or certain things that I associate with my father when I was a child. It is tough because I can't remember entire episodes, only parts.
You are confused about the memories because you can't remember all of it, but unfortunately that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Therapy can help to process it all, but it's not easy. I am 6 months into therapy now with my abuse, and I am slowly making sense of it all.
Bluemountains

Thank you Bluemountains - sorry to hear you're in a similar position. I've been in counselling for almost six months now too (though it feels like five minutes) and it did start triggering flashbacks of other kinds of abuse in my childhood, and though I said I suspected the sexual side, it's not until recently that things have begun to surface. I feel like my employer, my postgrad supervisor, and my other half want me better right now, but I feel like I'm only beginning. I hope you have a nice weekend.

[Open Eyes]

((((Karmamie))))),

The people around you are going to have to be patient. This definitely takes time to work through, and there is nothing you can do but be patient and allow yourself to work through this. This is a lot more than just remembering, it is confusing and emotional. It is important that if your other half is pressuring you and impatient than I strongly recommend that he sit with your therapist. I faced that myself and was often picked on and punished for something I truely could not help. It is much better when people around you realize that you have to have as much time as you need to work through this.

Once I got my husband to talk to my therapist a lot of pressure was taken off and I could just focus on my recovery work.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

I wonder if maybe I should look into this Open Eyes. She's going to read my answers to the mental health assessment questionnaire they make you fill in before your phone interview, and I hope that helps things click with her. I think because I am trying to go back to work, she presumes I'm much better, where I don't really feel that way at all. I hoped to take her with me to the intro session for the local women's group, but unfortunately it's during the day and OH works full time for the uni she also does her full time PhD at - we both like to challenge ourselves evidently! - so she won't be able to. It also makes it more unlikely that she'd be able to come to my counselling which is on a Friday morning. I will bear this in mind, for definite, thank you. x

[Open Eyes]

(((karmine)))),

It is good that you are trying to keep part of you progressing like you are. But yes, I am sure that these things coming forward are also going to be a challenge too. I found that people around me just didn't understand the significance of what I was experiencing. Most people consider memories are just in the past and to move on and they do that well themselves. But when things come forward like they are with you right now? Well that is different and it was very hard for me to explain that I couldn't just ignore it that easily. It is still frustrating for me to be honest, as my husband seems to be waiting for me to just bounce back somehow. Obviously I have to address whatever comes forward and work through it differently. It HAS been a challenge.

You have to do your best to make up your mind that you will just continue to do your best and be patient with yourself. And I know that getting others to understand it is a challenge. And you have to make up your mind that you just have to address it as it comes forward and not feel guilty for that happening. I know it is a challenge, I experienced that myself. But be patient, it is a process and you just have to work through it and remember not to feed into it.

((((Hugs)))) Just keep coming here when you need support. It is hard to explain to others that don't address it and deal with it, I hear you.

Open Eyes

Be extra Patient, Gentle & Kind with yourself ... Now more than ever ...

Trust your intuition ...

Surround yourself with people who are supportive and helpful ... Distance yourself from those who are not ...

I'm not going to tell you this journey is an easy one ... But I can assure you it is a worthwhile one ...

As you work through everything, you heal ... And as you heal, you become more whole ... And as you become more whole, life is richer and fuller and much more beautiful and precious than you ever knew it before ...

Sincerely,
BrokenCloud

Thank you - both of you. You have both been so helpful.

I've just felt so so isolated. I have friends who've been assaulted as adults and teens, and friends from dysfunctional families, but no-one's in a situation like mine - close friends who are honest that is, I always say you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Anyway, I wish it weren't the case that there were people who have been through what I'm going through, but it's a real comfort just reading words from people I've never met who've taken the time to let me know I'm not alone.

My counsellor often asks why don't I try and discuss things with my mother, but her grip on sanity is so slim, and she's hurt me so often, I can't, even though it feels like she is the person who can relate most. I need to get this worked out, I don't want to have children and then make them the next generation abused by their elders, be it sexually, physically, emotionally, verbally, whatever. I don't want to slip so deep into the kind of depression and psychosis that my mother did I end up abusing my children all but sexually as she did.

It's a nice calm atmosphere here. If I try to talk to my other half things are so emotionally charged, it's exhausting.

xx

After posting the above last night, I looked through the recommended articles on here, and read the one about covert abuse/incest. I realised it described my mother. Cue complete breakdown, and this feeling of being so dirty and nausous still hasn't left me. Though I feel awful, at the same time, it feels good to have a name to put to it. I won't go into details, but I was exposed to sexual information from a very young age, and forced to provide seemingly non-sexual acts which provided sexual pleasure, and could hear her doing other things at night time as doors must be kept open at all times in case the ghosts got angry (I do not believe in ghosts but my mother's psychosis about them eventually led to me having hallucinations at 16/17 as a result) anyway... I found myself shouting that I wished she was dead and my dad was still alive, but this morning I wonder, if she had died, would I be saying the same of my verbally and sometimes physically abusive dad who I did love very very much?

It's all such a mess. What a way to begin Monday.

You don't need to read, sorry, it's just good to put it out there.

Also - if I'm missing any sort of forum etiquette, or if there's any good threads to hang out in on here, let me know. I'm a friendly type and I know how frustrating it is when people use forums, get what they want, then bugger off without so much as a thanks.

x

[Open Eyes]

(((Karmamie))))),

I found that at first I too asked a lot of what if questions. I am sorry that you had so much confusion growing up and that it is coming forward to sort through. Just remember that while they can be distrubing and confusing some may be that way because they are memories of a child too. And make sure you also remember that children do not know how to view sexual things like you do now, so don't attach any guilt to those memories. Always remember that you honestly didn't have the capacity to really understand fully what went on in your environment. I had to keep reminding myself of that as well.

You don't have to appologize for what you present here to sort through, others know things come forward in pieces and are often comfusing.

((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Thank you Open Eyes - you've been so helpful, I really am very grateful. I have written a six page long description of what went on for my counsellor to read. I feel better for putting it down in full. It's long, but it's the truth, and I feel more solid in the facts and my thoughts about them.

((Hugs back))

[Sannah]

Good work Karmamie!

Another question from me I'm afraid that is triggering - does anyone else get physical flashbacks?

I've had the same physical flashbacks for years, but ignored them, but the past two days - with all the thinking I have been doing on what happened I supposed - I can't seem to get them to stop. Sleep is my only respite, but even then I'm having nightmares.

The flashbacks I have are stabbing pains internally and the feeling that someone is scratching me internally. It's really horrid, and it is wearing me out.

I was supposed to be at work yesterday and today, trying to work towards going back full time, but I have backed out both days because this feeling of impending doom and these terrible feelings internally would make it impossible to do anything.

I confided to my other half that every time I've had penetration these flashbacks have been there, which is why I now don't attempt it. Mastering using a Mooncup recently was horrific (but I pushed through for the sake of the planet and it doesn't trigger me now). I tried to ignore the flashbacks for so long, I guess from the age of about 11 when I first tried to use a tampon and the flashbacks were so bad I gave up, and then when I became sexually active at 13 the flashbacks would happen then and have happened every time since. I used to tell myself I must have had a physical exam as a small child and that's why I had these feelings. I know now as a rational adult that 1 - a doctor would wear gloves, 2 - a doctor would not have sharp nails hurting me, and 3 - a doctor never did examine me internally as a child.

Any help what to do to calm down would be much appreciated. My OH is out at work all day, then training with roller derby this evening, and I just want to be cuddled constantly with how I'm feeling.

x

[Sannah]

Can you talk to your counselor about these body memories?

I will do tomorrow, yes. I don't like coming across as... I don't know, someone who's preoccupied with the past and analysing things too much. But I suppose if I can appear that way to anyone the counsellor's the best one! It's difficult talking about intimate things, but my counsellor is from a charity specifically for survivors of all kinds of abuse, so I need to remind myself she will have heard all sorts of things.

[Sannah]

Very good! Keep us posted on how it goes?

Originally Posted by karmamie

Another question from me I'm afraid that is triggering - does anyone else get physical flashbacks?

x

Yes. I went to a fundraiser for a foster care society and while one of the former foster kids was speaking about his experience, I would feel the belt on my low back so vividly I started sweating and had trouble not moving around in the chair trying to get some relief from the pain. For days afterward, and even now occasionally (like now when I'm thinking about), I can feel the pain.

In reference to your original posting, I also felt some relief when I learned the term for what happened to me: covert sexual abuse. I know my mother would have vehemently denied there was anything sexual about what she was doing to me. It was about having to supervise me even in the bathroom or the shower because I was such a horrible person. Or having to bathe me because I was so dirty and gross, etc, etc. There was always an excuse for touching me and because she was my mother, I was supposed to let her touch me anywhere she wanted to, anytime she wanted to. I still have trouble now not screaming and hitting people's hands away when they go to pull lint off my shirt or accidentally touch my rear. Knowing what it was and that it has happened to other people was a relief.

Thank you for your reply My kids are cool - it's good to know I'm not alone - in both experiences.

My counsellor said that the physical flashbacks made sense - today's session went so much quicker than any I've had before, probably because I spent so long crying and shaking!

She also said that from what I wrote in my email to her, there was no doubt in her mind that I had been sexually abused as a child. It was ... uplifting, in a way, to hear that. My first psychologist when I was 17 thought I was just over-sensitive and picking up on my mother's childhood abuse, though I said I was sure something had gone on.

I feel horrid for being relieved I'm not alone, because in no way would I wish such things on other people, but it kind of helps remove some of the guilt that I was in some way responsible.

Hope everyone's having a good Friday evening, I have a big bottle of red wine and I'm reading Sarah Waters' 'Affinity' which I downloaded yesterday evening and am already 45% of the way through (I love the Kindle for telling me that, my maths is poor!)