[Stoda]

June 1, 2011 I was raped by a guy I had been dating 6 months. I was a virgin before and consequently I’m extremely screwed up. The guy that raped me said we were going to get married, made plans for our future, and basically promised me the world. He’s the first guy I ever believed I would marry; I guess I was always too cynical to believe before him.

And now there’s this guy (Tommy) who is into me, but I’m scared and I don’t know that I’m ready for anything. Tommy’s been a Facebook (FB) friend for a long time, but we’ve just started talking on the phone. Physically he’s not my type, but emotionally there is a real connection. Tommy is also FB friends with the guy that raped me, he knows what happened and he believes me. Tommy has said he’ll take everything really slow with me and won’t do anything I’m uncomfortable with. He even suggested I ask my t if she thinks its okay for us to be talking. He said if she says no, he will wait. I’ve told him I’m afraid I’m going to hurt him, that I’m just not ready. He says he wants to restore my faith in men.

I had a dream about Tommy the other night, where he was trying to do different things to me (kiss, hug, touch, etc.) and he kept stopping to ask if I was okay, but I wasn’t – I kept freaking out.

What’s more is that I feel like I’m headed down the same road I took with the guy who raped me. Both guys I met online, have Narcolepsy (like myself), live in other states, are 35, have made big promises to me, seem sweet, honest and trustworthy.

I don’t want to lose out on what seems to be a great guy, but I just don’t know. I’m going to ask my t, but in the meantime I thought I’d see what you guys think, if you have any advice.

[carrie_ann]

Originally Posted by Stoda

Tommy is also FB friends with the guy that raped me, he knows what happened and he believes me.

hi Stoda. maybe i'm just too cynical but if Tommy knows this guy raped you and believes you, what does it say about the kind of guy he is if he's still friends with him? sorry but i personally wouldn't let him anywhere near me. sorry if this answer offends you but it's just my opinion and i would actually be worried for you to see you actually date this guy, tho obviously it's your choice.

[Stoda]

Thanks Carrie Ann - no I'm not offended, looking for any advice out there.

But I did forget to mention that Tommy is no longer friends with the guy. In fact, he never really liked the guy and tried to tell me to be careful before hand ... obviously I didn't listen.

[carrie_ann]

Originally Posted by Stoda

Thanks Carrie Ann - no I'm not offended, looking for any advice out there.

But I did forget to mention that Tommy is no longer friends with the guy. In fact, he never really liked the guy and tried to tell me to be careful before hand ... obviously I didn't listen.

ah ok. so what do your own gut instincts tell you about Tommy himself personally, if you don't think about past experiences? how soon does he want to meet in person? do you believe what he tells you about being willing to go along with whatever your T says and being willing to go as slow as you need?

i'm not great on trust issues, relationships, giving advice, so this is just some thoughts for you to ask yourself.

but whatever you decide, make sure everything is at your pace and keep safe ... i.e if you do meet him in person, make it somewhere public or have a friend present.

[Stoda]

I know you said they are questions to ask myself but ... My gut tells me Tommy's a good guy. He isn't pushing to meet soon, and I believe he'll go slow. But my gut told me the other guy was a good guy and I believed him.

One thing Tommy has going for him is that another mutual friend, Amanda, thinks he's a good guy. And I think Amanda has good judgement. Amanda's been through alot, knows both guys, knows everything that happened, and didn't like the first guy.

[ponder1973]

Hi Stoda,

Tommy sounds like a good guy. I just get a good feeling but that's all it is. I don't know him and have no more information than this thread. So my opinion on it isn't worth much.

That said, no matter how nice a guy someone is, if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. You should give some thought to whether or not you really are ready. Tommy had a good idea in asking your T. You're a good person, and you try to be good to other people. Try to separate your desire to be kind to Tommy from your efforts to determine if you are ready to date again. If you aren't ready, that dream you had is likely to come to true and frustrate both you and the person you are dating.

When it comes to dating, your needs come first. Marriage is reverse of that

[InTheShadows]

Hi Stoda!

I'm so sorry you've been through something so terrible. (((((safe warm hugs)))))
I have been through it too and know how painful it is.

In regards to Tommy, I would be a hypocrit to tell you not to involve yourself with him as I have moved states to be with somebody I met online. The first time I did that it went horribly wrong. The second time it went extremely well.

I can tell you my gut instinct about Tommy is not a good one. What makes me most uncomfortable is him wanting you to ask your T. On the surface that sounds like a great plan, but underneath it I sense manipulation. What better way for him to get you on his side and/or go to bat for him?

In psychology they talk about the triangle. two people have an issue they don't agree on so one of them will pull in a third person to get that person on their side. That's what I'm sensing here.

Ultimately it is your call. If you do meet him IRL I would take every possible precaution. Make the date for a public place that will have a lot of other people. Do not let him know where you are staying. Do not spend time alone with him the first week at least (i.e. get in his car to go somewhere).

I will be here to talk and for support.

ItS

[Stoda]

Soo, the results are in - lol.

Long story short: t said she thought it was okay, but to take it slow and pay attention to my feelings.

Long story long: t said it's been her expierence with others that things go best when they take it slow. I told her how I feel I'm going down the same road because of their similarities. So we sort of picked apart certain behaviors from the rape guy that were negative (prior to the incident), and certain behaviors from Tommy that were positive. Next visit she's going to give me some sheets on Red Flags to look for in relationships.

t said to pay attention to my feelings. So I told her about this time Tommy said something that made me uncomfortable. How I stopped him telling him it made me uncomfortable. He stopped but asked me why it made me uncomfortable. And I liked that he was sort of pushy about knowing why it made me uncomfortable because it forced me to examine my feelings. t thought this was all good. Good that I was able to tell him to stop, good that he stopped, and good that I was comfortable discussing it with him.

t also said to pay attention to how he treats people, how he treats any one really. And I told her he still lives with his mom, which to me says that for the most part they get along. That he has a lot of friends who he's been friends with for awhile.

All in all, I'm not really dating him yet ... we're just going down that road. Maybe I'm over-reacting; thinking too much about what happened, instead of trying to move forward. idk. I do feel better after talking to t.

And I REALLY appreciate everyone's advice/thoughts. Thank you all soo much!

[carrie_ann]

((((Stoda)))) your T sounds wonderful ... esp giving you the red flag sheets, i'm glad she's there for you.