[geez]

Posted in ED forum but is about effects of abuse.........................



Alone in the house and just had supper with the family...

Was feeling tired/exhausted but couldn't go to sleep. Layed on the couch and played through my mind the pillow example in therapy today. I want to do it again and played it in my mind what I would say. "Because of you i wanted to *&%% myself. When you found out I wanted to *&%% myself I was too much of a coward to tell you why I wanted to *&%% myself. I told you it was just a joke. I didn't want you to see my pain for two reasons: 1. it's humiliating to share you fears and pain so many times to only have it thrown back in your face as being weak. 2. I didn't want you to know that you were the cause of my pain. I needed to hide that for feeling I couldn't handle any more rejection."

I got up from the couch, went into the kitchen ate: 3 kiwi, 4 tortilla chips and then a handful off chocolate chips. I hate that I did that in the feelings of anger and sadness for you.

When I made the decision to lose weight it was because I had no choice. I couldn't *&%% myself as that would hurt my boys so the only thing left was to lose the weight. I couldn't live another day being fat and feeling horrible. It was either die or diet.

I hate that I overate to stuff it down on the account of the feelings I have because of you. Even though my life is different in the here and now everything you said or did to me is still there. I'm still dieting especially to combat the binges that are because of you.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I know this feeling all too well. The echoes of the horrible words are still as loud as they were the day they were actually said. I wish I had advice for you but really, I don't know what to do myself. Take care of yourself though, don't let them make you feel this way, don't let them make you feel like you are doing wrong, that's their way of excusing themselves for what they have done. "Oh she agrees that she needs to diet so I was just doing her a favor pointing her in that direction" things like that, don't give them that security. If you have to live with it, they need to live with what they said as well. Don't let them continue to control you. I hope you find answers for yourself and a way to feeling better soon!!!

[Open Eyes]

((((geez)))))),

I have been wondering about you, you have been quiet for a while. Ok, what you did just now IS VERY GOOD FOR YOU. However, never allow the feelings of wanting to harm yourself EVER take over into action. THAT EMOTION "WILL" GO AWAY OK?

I am glad that you shared this here geez. You need to do this you know, let it out and talk about it as well as let out the anger that is hidden within your post here.
Yes, SOMEONE DID HURT YOU and YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. And depending on WHEN that happened always remember some of these emotions CAN be the emotions of A CHILD that may be VERY ANGRY AND EVEN DISAPPOINTED OR VERY FRIGHTENED.

You need to talk about this in therapy as well geez. These things DO come forward and they ARE NEVER MEANT TO PUNISH YOU. You have to allow a part of yourself to always be there WITH A REASONING AND LOVING WILL TO TAKE CARE OF THE PART OF YOU THAT WAS HURT. Yes, and you have to let the anger out, as well as finally allow yourself to GRIEVE it too. I know, it is very hard, I myself have felt this anger, desire to end me as well as a great sense of loss where I have cried to the depths of me. But this is what has to be done TO FINALLY HEAL. Yes, I know it is hard, but remember NEVER HARM YOURSELF no matter how much you feel that need somehow, IT WILL PASS.

Keep trying geez and remember don't ever worry about sharing here ok?

((((Big supportive HUGS))))
And by the way, I need to lose weight too and I have eaten some fattening things too. It will be ok, don't be hard on yourself.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

(((geez))),
If you need to add anything here, just say it ok? We will listen and support you.

(((hugs)))

[geez]

Thank you for the support. Today I had a long appointment with T today. I was able to get things out about how I feel about therapy. Its so hard to connect with my inner child but we did an exercise today and I was able to. I still have a hard time comforting my inner child because I'm battling some ingrained beliefs no of self worth. What I wrote I'll get to discuss tomorrow morning as I have an appointment at 10am tomorrow (I told T because of me going on vacation and running out of time last week I needed two appointments this week).

With EMDR this is going to be one longggggggg road. There is so much to cover I feel like this is going to take me forever.

Feeling sad but feeling safe. I'm going to try to get some sleep now. Many ((((hugs)))).

[Open Eyes]

Ok geez, yes it can be hard. Just let things happen and make sure you keep talking.
Don't try to think about how LONG anything is going to take. I can relate to those deep ingrained feelings, people who have been abused or struggled with some kind of neglect as a child can present those feelings. That is totally NOT YOUR FAULT, and you will have to greive that too. Just keep trying geez. You are doing well even though it may not feel like it.

(((hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Sannah]

Good work Geez!! Who is the "you" in your first post?

[geez]

Samantha when I wrote 'you' I was referring to my mom. :-(

[geez]

Sannah I meant to type Sannah :-) I was typing from my phone and auto spell came into play :-)