[happy101]

My mother is the abuser and narcisstic person in our home.She managed to get my Dad an early 'send of'f to heaven and tried very hard on us the daughters.Anyway 2 siblings of mine live in misery, she must be happy. I have severed ties from her 4 years ago,to keep my sanity.I cannot live in a 'war zone'anymore, too traumatic and so much fighting anf hatred and evilness. Now my mother has told the church she is lonely and wants to see me. Right, see me to abuse me? .Once again she traps me and tells everyone who can judge me how horrible I am.the church worker calls up and makes a huge judgemental phrase and said 'so why arent you seeing your mother', 'when was the last time blah blah blah'.I told her I wasnt able to talk as I was at work.
I havent help wondering how lucky my mother is to be an abuser.She abused all of us and made us run around for her, then dad died and she beacme the poor sad widow, now shes old and she's the poor old lady.So the whole world will always pity her and judge me. No one can ever come forward to feel for me.Just judge and judge.No one in the world I live in has ever felt for me.They even tell me whatever it is I have to love my mother. I live in thei dirty secret. But my husband knows everything and helps and supports me all the time. No one else.all just so ready to judge me.

How do you cope in this situation?What would you tell a close minded church person who feels so sorry for an evil abuser??

[Sannah]

How about telling them the truth. This woman made her bed and now she has to lie in it.............

happy, I'm right there with you. My mother is totally narcissistic and was horribly abusive when I was growing up. More recently, after my father's death, she gave each of my sisters an expensive antique vehicle (my younger sister received two), gave my brother in law very expensive guns my dad owned, and told me if I wanted my dad's little truck, I had to buy it from her. She knows that my younger sister and her husband stole from me, and that my brother in law said incredibly cruel things to me, but doesn't "want to take sides" and said, "he's just like that sometimes" in response to my brother in law's cruelty. BUT, I am the horrible daughter because I do not come by to see her, when she lives with my sister and brother in law. OH, AND she deeded her home and all of the land to that same sister and brother in law, so they actually own the house where my mother lives and my sister told me not to come by. BUT, I am STILL a horrible daughter because I told my mother that if she wants to see me, she needs to call and tell me when my sister and brother in law aren't there. And she tells everyone we all know what a horrible person I am.

So, my point, I guess, is that you are not alone, and it isn't you, it's HER. You do not owe anyone an explanation. If you are pressed, tell the truth. She's an abuser and she continues to be untrustworthy and you do not have to continue to willingly suffer abuse. When your mother chooses to be honest and not abusive, she can contact you to apologize and you will decide at that point what to do.

[Open Eyes]

Abusers are very good at seeming like the one who is actually being abused and neglected.

Lets just think about this on a different level. Many serial killers and even sexual abusers are people that one would never expect to be as bad as they are. There are priests, teachers, doctors, politicians, a quiet neighbor who may even seem like a great family man, a coach for a football team, think about it they have a way of seeming so upstanding one would NEVER suspect who they REALLY are, which are PREDITIORS.

And, it is not unusual for a parent to focus on one child that they abuse either. My therapist told me that they are trying to find out how or what is a deciding factor in how a parent may pick a certain child in their family to abuse. They don't really have an answer to that yet.

And it is not unusual that people will be loyal to an abuser and not see the abuse they cause either. I experienced this myself with a trainer who was abusing his own children. I was the only one (other than my daughter and some students her age that noticed this and found it distubing) others chose to ignore the obvious. I was the only one to leave that trainer and report him. Others chose to deem me a bad person and continued to turn a blind eye, even a minister/psychologist. I can't tell you how shocked I was by that.

The therapist/minister did not listen to me, kept her daughter in training with this trainer who was not only severely neglecting his children, BUT, had the dirtiest foul mind/mouth on any man I had ever met. Example, he taught his three year old son to call his wife a dirty ***** and he thought it was funny. Oh he did much worse than that too. Well this young girl who grew up under that influence was at a horse show down in florida and had a hotel room and decided to have 5 stable hands, one after the other you know what with her. And the trainer thought it was amusing. Oh nice job minister/psychologist, turn a blind eye why don't you.

So, NO, it is not just you. This happens and you have every right to stand up for yourself against abuse, even if it means you are treated like the bad person, which ofcourse you are not.

All I know is I got MY daughter away from this creepy man, MY child learned how to stand up and walk away. It wasn't easy because he stalked her at horse shows and had a student pretend she was from a different barn and got friendly with our daughter on line which led to our computer being hacked.

Luckily for me, other trainers noticed what was going on and thankfully protected my daughter at the horse shows as I had to work constantly to pay for this constant expense and could not always be there. And because I stood up, another trainer noticed abuse too and reported him because he left his down syndrom child locked in his car all day, for hours unattended to a point where this child was covered in his own feeces and crying. This trainer is forever barred from showing at this farm.

I am very sorry that you had to experience this kind of abuse. It is heartbreaking when a parent abuses their own child.

I also agree with Sannah, you COULD tell the truth. However, the truth doesn't always mean you will be believed. There are people who are involved in church communities that can be somewhat blind, thinking that everyone should get along, be forgiven etc. If only we could, but we DO have to take steps to keep ourselves from abusive people. Sometimes knowing that others will not always understand our reality.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

That particular church may be on the abuser's side, but please remember, this doesn't mean God is.

[happy101]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

That particular church may be on the abuser's side, but please remember, this doesn't mean God is.

Yes thanks.I have a wonderful relationship with God.both my husband and I.We live a beautiful llife now . Its just that I had to cut off from many people and always live knowing that many people and some relatives will always judge me as the bad daughter.

[happy101]

Thanks you for your kind replies.I now know that I have to be super strong.I live a beautiful life with my caring husband. I just feel that after living a life under abusive narcissistic mother and having suffered so much , I have broke away for my sanity, there will always be lots of people who will continue to judge me and have lots of opinions who are around. I have to be strong and draw boundaries and not even allow for this conversation to come up when I meet this people on the street.Its easier said, as the boundaries are also been drawn between my 2 sisters...only family left. How sad.Of course life could be worst. So I will continue my work in charity and tick off the boxes on my long list of things in order to have a rich and meaningful life.
Thanks everyone

[happy101]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

happy, I'm right there with you. My mother is totally narcissistic and was horribly abusive when I was growing up. More recently, after my father's death, she gave each of my sisters an expensive antique vehicle (my younger sister received two), gave my brother in law very expensive guns my dad owned, and told me if I wanted my dad's little truck, I had to buy it from her. She knows that my younger sister and her husband stole from me, and that my brother in law said incredibly cruel things to me, but doesn't "want to take sides" and said, "he's just like that sometimes" in response to my brother in law's cruelty. BUT, I am the horrible daughter because I do not come by to see her, when she lives with my sister and brother in law. OH, AND she deeded her home and all of the land to that same sister and brother in law, so they actually own the house where my mother lives and my sister told me not to come by. BUT, I am STILL a horrible daughter because I told my mother that if she wants to see me, she needs to call and tell me when my sister and brother in law aren't there. And she tells everyone we all know what a horrible person I am.

So, my point, I guess, is that you are not alone, and it isn't you, it's HER. You do not owe anyone an explanation. If you are pressed, tell the truth. She's an abuser and she continues to be untrustworthy and you do not have to continue to willingly suffer abuse. When your mother chooses to be honest and not abusive, she can contact you to apologize and you will decide at that point what to do.

Thanks so much. Shes in her 80's and on psychotic drugs as she sees demons.She wont tell the truth cos shes so wrapped in her lies shes always made up since I was born.i have and will continue to live without her.I must find a way to not let people who beleive her bother me.I have to be strong

[happy101]

I have been recommended a book called 'People who Lie' by Dr Scott Peack, so now I really know Im not alone....

Originally Posted by happy101

Yes thanks.I have a wonderful relationship with God.both my husband and I.We live a beautiful llife now . Its just that I had to cut off from many people and always live knowing that many people and some relatives will always judge me as the bad daughter.

Yeah, me too. Nothing she did matters. I'm the bad one for not swallowing it all up and letting her keep right on doing it, just because she brought me into this world. Who asked her to?

[Lil Ant Lady]

the church advocate forgiveness at the end of the day, its part of their teachings.

but that doesnt mean she has been pardoned for her past. god will have his retribution when its her turn to pass over

sorry you have had to endure all this ((((hugs))))

Originally Posted by happy101

What would you tell a close minded church person who feels so sorry for an evil abuser??

I'd tell them to butt out and mind their own frickin' business and to not ever attempt to contact me ever again ... If it continues, I'd either change phone numbers or simply hang up just as soon as you realize it's one of your mother's minions ... Eventually they'll quit calling ... Unless they're totally stupid, that is ...

Come to think of it, similar issues are why I stayed in my first marriage for 5 years. The church told me I was supposed to. "God hates divorce," "Wives submit to your husbands," and all that. Not to mention, children need BOTH parents. [sarcasm] Being raised by a single parent is the worst thing that can happen. [/sarcasm] They knew what he was doing, but I was supposed to just pray about it and wait for God to change him.

Instead of God changing him, I changed churches. Thirty years later, he remains an active alcoholic and drug addict, and would continue to abuse me if he were still a part of my life.

[happy101]

Heres what happened : I told the pastor that Im a victim.and to listen to me uninterrupted.Then I sent her an email asking her to read these.I told her to read these 2 books if ever she wants to do couynselling for victims of abuse.iTS biblical approach to overcoming abuse and leaving the abusive parent!

"Breaking the Bonds of Adult Child Abuse: A Biblical Textbook on Abusive Narcissistic Families, How They Operate, and How to Deal With Them"
Pittelli, Sister Renee; 1
"Narcissistic Predicaments: A Biblical Guide To Navigating The Schemes, Snares, And No-Win Situations Unique To Abusive Families" same author

[happy101]

"Breaking the Bonds of Adult Child Abuse: A Biblical Textbook on Abusive Narcissistic Families, How They Operate, and How to Deal With Them"
Pittelli, Sister Renee; 1
"Narcissistic Predicaments: A Biblical Guide To Navigating The Schemes, Snares, And No-Win Situations Unique To Abusive Families" same author[/quote]
Lets see if the church can be progressive enought to deal with this. I know God is and is ontop of everything and wish the church could move onto greater heights withour being so judgemental!!!!

[happy101]

Instead of God changing him, I changed churches. Thirty years later, he remains an active alcoholic and drug addict, and would continue to abuse me if he were still a part of my life.[/quote]
Thats why we need to read the Bible ourselves and not rely on fellow human beings who are so quick to judge! yes, I have heard many times from christian friends who say they have bad husbands but are staying with their christian beliefs and will be with him. And I said so you prefer to be living an unhappy life , and you think God wants you to stay unhappy and be miserable to your children and friends???? Im not very popular I think!

[nicoleflynn]

People are always going to believe what they want to. Tell the truth. Done!

www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com (what happened to me when I got a divorce after 36 years of abuse...voted out of membership with my name up on a big screen, followed by the words; "Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God."

[Open Eyes]

(((happy101)))),

I think it was a good move on your part to present that book. In my opinion a church should be there to support victims and know that often victims feel that God has let them down and question their belief and faith. They don't want to hear that they should in any way allow the abuser forgiveness or a pathway to continue any abuse. I can't blame you for getting angry. You are right in keeping your distance from the abuse and the purpose of faith is to help you do that by allowing God to come in and help you, even though there was abuse that had taken place.

As far as the women who choose to stay with an alcoholic husband because they say, "That is the Christian thing to do" are only allowing themselves to be Codependants and further victims of abuse. The ONLY way that a woman CAN stay in a relationship with an alcoholic husband is IF he is actually pursueing a program like AA where he can recover and learn to respect him/herself as well as others. It IS a long difficult road, it is the road I traveled myself. I would not have a problem with any woman who chooses to walk away from an alcoholic. I would not support a woman who stays with an active alcoholic who continues to abuse others around him/her, especailly if there are children present who can suffer the consequences of abuse as well.

Stand your ground, you are right to speak up for victims and whoever is calling you and suggesting you continue to put yourself at risk with an abuser out of FAITH is extremely IGNORANT and should become better informed. It is a well known fact that an abuser will use ANY means to support their abuse, EVEN THE CHURCH.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

Originally Posted by happy101

Heres what happened : I told the pastor that Im a victim.and to listen to me uninterrupted.Then I sent her an email asking her to read these.I told her to read these 2 books if ever she wants to do couynselling for victims of abuse.iTS biblical approach to overcoming abuse and leaving the abusive parent!

"Breaking the Bonds of Adult Child Abuse: A Biblical Textbook on Abusive Narcissistic Families, How They Operate, and How to Deal With Them"
Pittelli, Sister Renee; 1
"Narcissistic Predicaments: A Biblical Guide To Navigating The Schemes, Snares, And No-Win Situations Unique To Abusive Families" same author

Good for you! That is a great way of handling it!