probably not abuse...but its painful

29 years ago, when I was 18 I went to al-anon with a friend. It was a teen group and there were a couple of moderators. P was one, he was in his late 30's at the time. He was really good to talk to, and most of us "kids" liked him a lot. I had his phone number so I called him one night after dad beat the heck out of mom, it was about 1am. He had me meet him somewhere and we went driving in his car. I was scared, and crying. We ended up at a hotel, and were intimate. Carried on this affair for a few mos. I was so humiliated and embarrassed by it. I managed to break it off with little repercussions.

Pathetic story that I never think about...but it's been in my head a few weeks. The shame is significant. P wasn't a T or a teacher or anything, just a horny guy who saw an easy target. It isn't like the abuse I had as a child...that was obviously abuse. This is a little weirder, I was 18, I consented.

I think this is what holds me back from T. I can't tell him about it because I don't think of him that way at all...and I don't want him thinking that way of me. I didn't think of P that way either, but I was afraid to say no to him.

Very good insight Wikid. I think that it really explains why you hold back in therapy. I think that this would be good to process with your T. It really has nothing to do with him. It has to do with why you hold back and why it is hard for you to trust.

I told him. Gawd that was hard.

Good work Wikid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to say that I don't think it was a pathetic story. I can totally relate to the feelings you say you felt as a result of what happened. I have felt that same sense of shame and embarrassment over things in my life story. I think you were brave to talk to your T about it. {{hugs}}

This thing is plaguing me. I told my T, but I wasn't able to be very clear or coherent about it...just spitting out bits and pieces. I felt relieved right after T, but now several days later it is banging around in my head. At one point T asked me if I thought I seduced the guy. This one question is freaking me out. I have never been the hot girl or the sexy girl...I couldn't seduce a guy if I tried. But why would he think that?? Does he think I am that type of woman? I mean I dressy in baggy layers, never show skin or anything. Why would he think I seduced the guy? Maybe he didn't believe me when I told him I was just afraid to say no? If he thinks that then what does he think about the CSA?? I haven't talked about it yet but he knows it happened. Will he think I seduced my father too?

I thought talking would make it better...but I feel way worse. I don't want to face T again.

You said here that T asked you if you thought you seduced the guy. He didn't ask if you did seduce him. It sounds like he was trying to get more insight into figuring out how you felt about the incident & if you were feeling guilty when you shouldn't be.

still, probably not a question a woman T would ask, that just would not be her viewpoint. i'm sorry, wiki sounds like T is not too comfortable with this or something.

T: Do you think you seduced him?
Me: what??? no....I swear, I just didn't know what to do...maybe I flirted?? Oh God, maybe I flirted....ugh I swear I didn't mean to.
T: *cricket cricket*
or something. The guy was married, and had kids, and T did say that I was not responsible for him being faithful to his wife. Arg. I don't know what to think, and now I am just sending myself into craziness over this.

I could see myself having this conversation with my T. He likes to arrange for me say things like "No, I did not seduce him" out loud so that I can see that I am not the one who was responsible for the situation. You're not the one to blame here.

I always FAIL tests like this. I still think this guy was somewhat of a child molester. At least he was abusing his position of trust as a teen group moderator. Why does your T not see this?

I don't see where her T said he doesn't see this. Maybe he does see it. We can't answer that. I'd say it's worth bringing up in the next session. Questions like that are often VERY educational.

He did say he thought I was manipulated. But he asked a lot of weird questions like if it was weird sexual stuff. Almost as if he didn't understand why I am so freaked out about it.
I want to discuss it again. I want to explain myself better, but at the end of the session he did this visual thing where we pack up the memory in a box, tied a chain around it and dropped it in the ocean. I don't know if that means we can't talk about it again or not.

The cool thing about therapy is that you are the one who gets to decide when a topic is over. T is just along for the ride.

Did he say he didn't understand why you are so freaked out about it? Or are you deciding that on your own?

My T has done the visual thing of packing up memories in the box too... but you know what some boxes can float and the tide can bring those boxes right back on shore. I think T's do that as a way of letting us chose not to dwell on it all week.. but you have every right to bring this topic up as many times as you need to...

If I were you I would print off everything you said on this thread and talk to your T about it.... let him explain his purpose in the questions he asked, etc... you will probably find that he doesn't want to say too much because he wants you to figure out how you feel about it and your own reactions without being clouded by his reaction... but you won't know if you don't ask..

Ok, yea I might be deciding that one myself. I guess I don't feel like he got it. I am over thinking this and the thought of seeing him again makes me cringe.
yea, that would be a good way out. No way I can be that open with him though. Wow. I really don't want him to know the impact he has on me. It would be easier to run, I know that's the cowards way out...but I don't think I am ready for disclosure, not if I have to over think it for a week afterwards.

Whether you flirted or didn't is irrelevant. We are all responsible for our OWN behavior. Even if we walked into someones office... stark staring nekkid..........THEY have the responsibility/choice to NOT act on it.

Wikid, you can work through this with your T. You will get relief by working through this. This is how it is done.