[1moretime]

Would a parent who causes their child emotional trauma that results in personality complexes be considered abusive. Neither of my parents was capable of demonstrating love. They seemed to be unaware or, unable to address, our emotional needs. I have read that lack of love during childhood results in many personality issues. I am perplexed by this question: when a parent fails to demonstrate an acceptable amount of love for their child, are they abusive parents. When someone realizes that they suffer from a defect caused by childhood, what is the first step in recovering?
I am 54 years old and after serious reflection, realize that my parents were grossly inadequate. They failed to show love, they seemed to be completely indifferent to our social development, frequently made promises they failed to deliver and believed that physical punishment was acceptable. It is my opinion that they were abusive but, I cannot think of any specific event that would lead me to believe that they were purposely abusive.
I am not certain that I ever loved my parents. I wonder if this “lack of love” would be a bi-product of not having any. During my adult life, I have continuously sought relationships where I would be abused. My first marriage lasted 23 years and continued until her death, she was very emotionally abusive and an alcoholic. The second marriage was to a woman who suffers from bi-polar one disorder. That relationship ended after a serious assault. Since then, I have dated three women and every one of them seems to have provided me with a certain level of emotional abuse.
I believe that I am seeking this abuse as a result of my childhood. I can’t seem to figure out how to break the cycle. I have taken many personality tests and have found that I am the mercurial type. I have also been tested for all the normal disorders, each of them was negative. I am struggling to understand my incestuous need for abuse.
Can anyone shed some light on this subject? I am stuck in the hypothesis and can’t seem to evolve beyond it. During the last few months, I have relived my childhood over and over again. I can see the pain I suffered but I can’t seem to feel it.
Ideas or theories would be greatly appreciated.

[Christina86]

Hello there! I'm sorry for what you've been through. Do you have a therapist?

Lack of affection, or failing to provide for basic needs (including some amount of love) could be considered neglectful, which is a type of abuse. Emotional abandonment or lacking emotional connection could be seen as some sort of emotional abuse. But honestly, labels don't matter as much as how it's affected you.

You seem to have figured some things out, but the best way to break a cycle you're stuck in would be to find professional help or a real-life support group run by a professional.

[tohelpafriend]

I found insight into the "schemas" or "traps" we can be prone to fall for in our adult relationships, due to neglect, (emotional abuse, yes), or physical abuse in childhood from Dr. Jeffrey Young's "Schema Therapy." He has a website and also explores schema modes - there are tests for one to identify the patterns we hold onto later in life and how to break them. I believe there is hope, with lots of work in T and examination of our adult relationships, to breaking negative cycles. Thank you for your post. "tohelpafriend"

"in return. My purpose is to never lose sight of that one dream that has proven to be most elusive, love."--quote from your letter to your therapist.

here in this thread, you ask the question..to paraphrase..."how do I heal if I have never known love"

I believe what you are zeroing in on is your inability to love yourself? So you have gone through most of your life seeking relationships which would not yield any love either, only abuse?

Not "spiritual" love, at any rate. You also wrote of that.

Looking in from the outside here, sounds like you are spiritually bankrupt; and you know it too! You state that you feel nothing about the abuse in your childhood years, yet you recognize it as having been an element of your quandries now. Dunno where the word "incest" came from.

To reply; I am only able to say what has helped me. My background was similar, though I am a female, and there was actual incest, with all the accoutrements over many years.

I have spent over 42 years in sometimes brilliant, sometimes idiotic therapy, with specialists, and I have learned all the techniques to help me cope. I do cope rather well today. Therapy is key to finding your answer.

The other, most relevant key in my healing; has been to reconnect with the child I was...who is still present in my nature today. I learned to embrace, love, and enjoy her on a daily basis. Wasn't easy to do. I am forever grateful for the help I had to finally do it. Yes, I was emotionally void for many years... I finally cried for many days for that little girl who is with me now. That child was also enraged!! I learned to voice that anger constructively, and to stop the spiritual bankruptcy in my soul.

From your other post--"love..."? Yes, it is the answer... love of oneself, honesty with oneself, a good relationship with oneself is the only way to connect with another human in a healthy, loving, mutual relationship. ( I am certain of this...I read it everywhere! LOL)

I almost found that in my life. Unfortunately, the other person was not capable of loving me in a manner which would have been worthy of my love. It would have been another abusive relationship.

Ain't no one on this planet who loves me as much as I have finally learned to love myself.
Am I unworthy of being loved for who I am? I do not believe this to be true.

I refuse to conform to another persons need for me to be anyone other than who I am. If i'm "not good enough" for someone... I say "Bye"!!

I am lonely at times, but not unhappy: this stems from not permitting others to steal my spiritual contentment from me... no one invades my soul without my permission. I respect myself.

I enjoy my life, who I am, by myself, today. I wish you all the best--pax, theo

[1moretime]

I love the reference to "spiritual bankruptcy." *It is so apropos. * It has taken me a long time to accept the possibility that something is wrong with me. * Recently, a relationship I was in ended. It was very odd. I knew that there was no potential for the relationship. I knew that I would get hurt if I continued. There were also other factors involved such as an STD, not mine, I marveled at my willingness to accept this person even though she was for all intensive purposes abusive.*

She unceremoniously *dumped me on my birthday. * She seemed like the sweetest lady I had ever met but yet she was as abusive as any I have ever met.*

I have known for a couple of years that I have a problem. Prior to that I didn't care to address it. I was married for 23 years and it ended with her death. After that I sought the ultimate in abuse, I married a women who suffers from bi-polar I and refused medication. She is now in jail for assault with a deadly weapon. Guess who she assaulted. * In the past 2 years there have been three relationships. All were with women who are abusive.*

Oddly, I can feel the rejection very well. It seems that emotion is the one I seek most. I know these relationships are bad from *the start. I am very intuitive and can usually figure people out quickly. Yet, I chose to take a chance knowing how it's going to end.*

The last one was text book. She said she hated her mother but she really hated her father. I treated her like a princess and she was not capable of accepting me because of her hatred for men. I hate my mother. I hate her for failing to intervene and regardless of who the abuser was, she had an obligation to stop it. She didn't.*

The lady sought male abuse, I didn't abuse her. I sought female abuse, she gave it to me. Hence she wasn't happy and I was in love. A familiar cycle for me.*

Sorry I am rambling. I really appreciate your words.*

[Sannah]

Hi 1more, welcome to PC. Sometimes a person will choose someone so that they can fix them and make the person love them. This is a fantasy from childhood when the child wanted to make the parents finally love them. In adulthood you could be still trying to work out this fantasy?

I believe that when a person has grown up in a dysfunctional family that it is very difficult to be around healthy people. It is difficult because healthy people will really "see" you and if you came from a dysfunctional family, your self worth will be low and when you have low self worth you don't want anyone really seeing you. You don't want to be lonely so you settle with unhealthy people. Unhealthy people don't "see" others so it feels comfortable. The challenge is to work on your self worth and attempt to be around healthy people and work through your discomfort. I had to work through this.

You write that your parents used physical punishments. This could have been abusive then. I was emotionally neglected and I see it as neglect and not abuse. My parents were not abusive. Others have told me that all neglect is abuse but I believe that I have the right to define my own experience.

Have you ever been in therapy to work through all of this?

[Open Eyes]

((((1moretime)))),

I think that it is good that you have finally stopped and are now recognizing your pattern. Oh, Sannah was writing the same time as I was and her message to you is so true as well.

It is very normal for ANYONE to tend to live WHAT THEY KNOW. And it is very normal for many people to not truely recognise that WHAT THEY KNOW is not healthy for them and it is actually wrong and will never be fruitful. We all imprint things we are not really aware of when we are young. It's never one's fault if their childhood imprinted them with messages that were really not healthy. You talk about not really being loved and appreciated, THAT IS WHAT YOU KNOW. And that can even lead to your thinking that you may not even be WORTHY as well.

So many people think that they are suppose to grow up and be their own person inspite of however they were raised. I know I thought that myself and I am around the same age as you and recognizing through my struggling with PTSD that I have things about myself that are directly related to what I experienced growing up too.

It is good that you are finally recognizing your pattern, I am sorry you had so many bad experiences. As you look at the relationships you had, you are also seeing that your partners were confused as well and their behaviors were directly related to their upbringing and imprinting on what they know how to have in relationships.

I agree with others here that recommended you find a good therapist. It is important for you to truely identify the "what you knows" that interupt with your actually having a healthy relationship. You are at the beginning of recognizing how you happened to choose certain women because they treated you in a manner you already knew how to accept somehow. You are going to have to really learn how to change that pattern and NOT feel that you don't deserve the type of woman that can actually have a relationship with you on a much healthier level.

Many times we can choose a mate in hopes of finally being loved and approved of by our negligent or abusive parents. This can happen where we are not really consciously aware of it. You need to make peace with that in therapy, get to the bottom of it and as is described here, learn to love and appreciate YOURSELF inspite of your history growing up. It is only when you truely get to address the reality of YOURSELF and actually learn how to consciously see it and allow yourself to CHANGE it which DOES TAKE TIME in therapy, you will finally be able to attemt having a healthier relationship.

My other advice is to make sure you don't blame yourself for your bad choices in your past, be kind to yourself, and choose to finally heal.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[1moretime]

The answers given here are profound. It would seem that they shouldn't be. The tragedy is that we know they are. I have found myself in a place and time where I have a choice. I can either deal with this or, chose to go on as I always have. It is imperially remarkable that we can go through our lives with this issue in place and yet function at the highest of levels. I have sought out pain to replace the pain my parents can no longer provide. I am older and wiser but yet, no smarter.
One of the previous answers speaks to spiritual bankruptcy. That answer has completely taken me back. It has prompted me to do some very deep seeking and I have concluded that the lack of self-love is the culprit. Throughout this entire endeavor, I have tried countless ways to mitigate the damage but yet, I am always lead back to the same place with the same question. Why?
Why is a question I may never know the answer to. I would like to believe my parents didn’t know any better. But, in the end, they should have known better and it was their responsibility to know better. They raised four kids, one died on his 18th birthday. The three remaining, all have the same issue. I am amazed at the extent we will go to just to be “happy.” The abuse I have sought out is as remarkable as it is tragic. I am completely amazed, I had no idea what was going on.’
I made myself in business and accumulated many possessions. Recently, I purposely divested myself of my possessions with hope that I could find the answer to one question, why am I so unhappy. I am unhappy because I lack love, they say “love is divine” and I not capable of having it. Love is what I seek and that is what evades me.
Thank-you for your help

[geez]

((((1moretime)))) My parents were abusive and neglectful. I was CSA by a neighbor and when my mom found out 'something' was going on I was punished. I somehow managed to find love in my life but I'm not sure it's real but i'm pretty sure it is. I didn't have a positive image of what love was supposed to look like. I'm lucky I didn't go down a bad road. I am working on learning how to love myself and it's really hard. The first half of my life was traumatic and I'm learning how to process it all. The hear and now moving forward since I started therapy three + years ago has been 'easy' I have goals, aspirations some self esteem when before there was very little if any BUT the past keeps creeping in. ... the memories, the emotions the self doubt and hate.

I have a new T who specializes in trauma and I'm really working on processing things. I want to be finished already :-) I wish you healing.