[yellowted]

it is a year to the day since my abuser, my half sisters father, died. it is also the day before my 41st birthday and fathers day here in England.
last year I felt extatic relief that he finally had gone, but also disgust..how dare he ruin my 40th birthday, the first one i had ever been looking forward to.
This year I really don't feel anything, part of me keeps thinking i should be supporting my sis and mum, but these thoughts are instantaneously shot down with thoughts of how they have never been there for me, through all the years of abuse, my own disability or even when my partner died eight years ago, so why should i give a toss about them now, after all they have each other, the extended family and my brother to support them. my sis has her own family too.
i managed to work through the passing of my partner on my own 200 miles away from any family, they didn't even bother to phone once in a while to see how i was. so there is no reason why i should be concerned about them coping or needing my support.
it is really hard because I am usually a very caring person, but think i have been hurt too much by my family to care about them anymore. It is like there are two parts of me, the well rounded one which operates most of the time and the hard hearted bxxch who rears whenever thoughts of my family arise.
good job i haven't seen them in years and the only contact i have is when i get a call to say another member of family has died. i don't even get told about funeral arrangements, so i guess they prefer me to stay away.

[Open Eyes]

Did they know you were abused by this man?

If they do know they may really not know what to say, may think that you would prefer to be distant and not involved with them. Including you in their lives would be very difficult for them, as they never could or in the now know how to releive your pain.

It could be when you suffered a loss, perhaps they felt that any input on their part would only cause you added discomfort so they chose to give you space.

People don't know how to deal with the kind of abuse you are discussing. And when that happens they tend to avoid contact out of a loss of knowing how to respond appropriately. The only way to resolve that is if they sought the advice of a really knowledgable therapist who could guide them and even then that therapist would have to be familiar with YOUR state of mind.

I am sorry that you have anniversaries that remind you of a part of your life where you experienced someone who was very disturbed and abusive. That always leaves scars with us that others cannot understand or know how to respond to.

I don't think anyone has written a book advising what people within this experience could do to ease the pain of those that suffer like you and I and many others.

What would make you feel better, how would you have liked them to respond? Maybe you could write out what could be done to help ease the pain in a situation like this.

I think about this myself, so far, even now, my family hides from it and thinks I should be over it, it is in the past, that was years ago, etc. It has not helped me heal. I would prefer my family at least validate me and offer to listen and ask me what they can do to help me. But when I really take a hard look, I feel there is too much disfunction and ignorance for that to be achieved.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[shezbut]

(((yellowted)))

I can hear your pain, anger, as well as a little bit of guilt in this post.

Open Eyes gave such a level-headed response to you. Thinking about other possibilities that may be occurring within your family, instead of just reacting emotionally. So wise!!

I can relate to your pain ~ I just can't seem to get out of my emotional perspective! It does hurt to not have your experiences and emotions accepted by family.

In my personal experience, my distress has increased as I've become an adult and have had children of my own. I can understand that parents make poor decisions sometimes, and that we aren't always right. But I can't understand why or how some families are unable or unwilling to apologize to their children. Until my family is willing to accept what I say & respond with, "I'm very sorry that you had such painful experiences in your childhood" without going on the defense, I just can't have anything to do with them. My pain level is above the brim.

It sounds to me as though that's what you are experiencing with your mum and sis. Gentle hugs to you ~ I hope that you are able to come to terms with whatever decision/s that you make about contacting your family. It is a tough experience.

Very best wishes to you!

[MyFathersGirl]

I'm sorry. I don't have any real advice for you but just wanted you to know that somebody else cares.

One thing though, I wonder if maybe your family doesn't think that you want contact with them. They might think that they are respecting your wishes. Maybe you can write them a letter with your feelings and see what happens from there. In a letter you can't get interrupted and you also have a chance to process your thoughts.

[yellowted]

Openeyes...(((hugs))) so sorry that you have experience of this

yes they do know, a few years ago I reported it to the police, because i wanted to protect my neice who, at the time was the same age i was when the abuse started and was regularly staying at mums house with him looking after her whilst mum was out playing darts, he was put on the sex offenders register but 'let off ' going to trial because he was ill and it was my word against his because those who could back me wouldn't jeopardise the shame it would bring on the family and feared splitting the family up. (they all live in a small town , only i moved 200 miles away aged 18 . I am sure mum in her own twisted way thinks he was let off because it didn't happen.

all I have ever wanted was for my mum to wake up and accept that the abuse happened, tell me she is sorry for not believing me and to give me a hug. a real heart felt hug.
I know this will never happen as, like you say, there is too much dysfunction and ignorance in my family. I often doubt I am actually related to my family as they are all very ignorant and only care about themselves, totally the opposite of me.

[yellowted]

Originally Posted by MyFathersGirl

I'm sorry. I don't have any real advice for you but just wanted you to know that somebody else cares.

One thing though, I wonder if maybe your family doesn't think that you want contact with them. They might think that they are respecting your wishes. Maybe you can write them a letter with your feelings and see what happens from there. In a letter you can't get interrupted and you also have a chance to process your thoughts.

Thank you so much, I have written a couple of times, it only results in a phone call from either my mum or my brother telling me they do not want to hear about it. As though not hearing about it makes it never have happened. they just can't accept it and in turn then can't accept me. I have always been the outsider even when living at mums as a kid. I was always treated differently, my older brother and younger sis were allowed to visit their friends to play, i never was, they got bikes, remote colour TVs and computers, i got an etch a sketch that was broken on opening, they had big birthday parties with loads of friends and family around, i was lucky to get a card and slice of plain cake with a candle on it and i had to share it!

[MyFathersGirl]

That's awful I can see why you'd have mixed emotions. It's not like not talking about it is going to make things go away and then to be treated differently as a kid wouldn't help matters any. I know it's not the same but you have a sister here. I think of this place as a family that actually cares and isn't going to constantly put me down.

[Open Eyes]

(((yellowtide))),

These people are incapable of seeing the reality of "you" as well as the abuser. They are only interested in living in their own denial from what you are describing. This kind of situation that takes place in families happens all too often, sadly. And the person that feels so left out and invalidated is the victim.

I have seen this myself. I could not seem to tell my family that I was suffering abuse when I was very little. I felt that "they" would not believe me or that their actions would make my abuser so angry that I would be in more danger. So I did my best to survive in that world of disfunction.

A major loss that I experienced due to a negligent neighbor opened a doorway that I never knew existed. I have been reliving my very troubled childhood in a way I never imagined I could relive it. I honestly thought that I had made peace with my troubled past, and survived it, but all I accomplished doing was surpressing many things I did not have the capacity to process.

I am seeing a reality that I really never recognized before, and yet I did know it, always did somehow. I can't be around my family because I fall into flashbacks and I can't seem to know or predict how I will be around them. And I thought that if I explained it to them that it would make it easier. But the reality that I am seeing is that they don't want to hear it. My family never really had the capacity to deal with it, and now they say how it was years ago and I need to forget it, etc.

In my case my parents are now too old to have the capacity to truely see my reality and validate me. And when I do try to discuss my PTSD and how I struggle, they find a way to be TOO BUSY to listen.

In a way I have actually been becoming more aware of THEIR FRAGILITY and how they protect themselves because they just can't allow themselves to see the truth somehow.

I see that in so many places, even my neighbor convinces himself that he should not be responsible for all the damage his negligence caused me. People use a word to describe people like me, CRAZY. They somehow cling to thinking that it is ME that is the one who is making too much out of MY LOSS AND PAIN.

I have had to come to some kind of peace in realizing that others around me are not going to SEE me or my reality. Well, I have not really come to peace with it, I only know that I have to work towards that. And yes, there is a big part of me that wants to scream out the reality of ME that others simply will not let themselves see, and they actually choose to just group together and consider me the one that CAN'T JUST DEAL.

yellowtide, what you are expressing here is something others experience as well, others who were victims and are now feeling like they are alone and unheard. Yes, it is our reality when we are part of a disfunctional family who can only function in denial. And I see it over and over again in this forum, and there is so much anger and sense of betrayl amongst us, the victims. And the reality, the truth, is that we live amongst so many that choose to remain ignorant and their opinion is that if you cannot maintain the capacity to "just" carry on, function around the disfunction and accept it as "a part of life", then you are crazy and need to get a grip somehow.

Your choice to distance and divorce yourself from these disfunctional people is the only real answer to YOUR SANITY. That can be difficult to adjust to because there is always that anger in how these disfuctional people seem to get away with THEIR CHOICE TO BE DISFUNCTIONAL.

That has been very hard for me to accept as well yellowtide. I am seeing the reality of the disfunction in my own family and I have not been able to be a part of that disfunction anymore. I used to be able to see the "others" around me, say "accept them for what they are" and now I can't seem to do that anymore. Sometimes I feel like "I" am the one that lacks the strength to maintain a composure to "just deal with their incapacities" because I used be be able to do that. With this PTSD I just see and feel too much to be able to "just ignore" like I used to.

I guess the way to finally healing is to accept that these other people are just never going to SEE us or ACCEPT our reality no matter what. And that we cannot change "THEM", all we can do is work on "choosing to be separate from their ignorance and decide that they are no longer going to be a part of our lives".

I have to admitt, I have yet to master that myself. The only thing that I have been able to do is to allow myself to really look at the people in my life that "are" disfunctional. As I do that, I have come to see how each of them have their own history of learning to develope and survive inspite of the "lack" they experienced in their own lives. And often the bottom line is that often people like what you are describing truely do not know "how" to respond to "your reality". The bottom line is all they CAN do is cling to their own unique way of being able to function in "their" reality.

It doesn't matter how many letters you write, how much you feel they "should" recognize "you". What their reality entails is, what they are actually "capable" of seeing or exposing of "themselves" that may effect their abilty to function and thrive.

The bottom line is that with many human beings, there is a lack the ability to sympathize with others unless they actually experience the abuse/trama themselves. So while you and I can sypathize with each other on so many levels, other people that have not experienced our condition and environment tend to, out of lack of ability to know how to address us appropriately, avoid us. "INABILITY TO RELATE" in human beings almost always leads to "AVOIDANCE"and even, "PREJUDICE". No one wants to be in the group that others mark as "unacceptable" or "unworthy" so the effort of many is to practice "denial".

Open Eyes