[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

He says I focus on the past too much, that I need to just move forward. I'm trying! I tried to tell him up until I was 22 years old (3 years ago) I was in constant chaos and abuse, that it didn't end until I met him and I've been trying to put myself together and get my thinking on the right track but he says I focus on the past too much, it's done and over and I need to just move forward
I want to soooo incredibly bad, just forget it ever happened and I tried that approach for a long time and it landed me where I am now, extremely anxious and psuedoseizures from the built up repression. I would give my right arm to just forget what happened and live in the present, I want that so badly, I just don't know how and I don't know how to explain to him that it takes work going through the past. I don't know how to make him understand that it takes time to heal from the pain.
He's so understanding and caring, he just never went through abuse like this. Granted he didn't have a perfect childhood but there's a big difference in the way we grew up. And I feel like I've been tainted and am not good enough for him because of all of the grotesque things that have been done to me. But he doesn't understand why I feel this way. (Talking about my fiance) he's such a good man I just don't know how to help him understand. Or maybe I am the one in the wrong for this...

((((Purple)))) in order for us to truly heal and move forward we must examine the past and deal with it. Deal with all the feelings, emotions that perhaps we didn't get to and or weren't acknowledged / validated when we most needed it.

If we do not truly delve, then once again, we are just putting another band aid on things and trying to move forward. Which many of us have learned, does not work. It is a minor salve for an extremely deep injury. To me, it is like putting an ice pack on a broken bone

I am sure your fiance means well, but perhaps he does not fully understand the complexities of what you are experiencing and the details of trauma work.

I would venture to guess too that being the wonderful man that he is, he assumes you know that you are safe now and he loves you and will protect you. Unfortunately, for as lovely as that is, he cannot protect you from the memories and hurt that reside within you right now.

Have you asked him to go to T with you so he can get a better u.derstanding of what you are going through. And this isnt something that can be fixed with an engagement ring or a marriage certificate?

I truly believe he has your best interests at heart but it is virtually impossible for even the best of us to understand what is happening and how best to work through it. Heck, we are the ones truly dealing with it and we barely understand it And "just get over it" is not a viable solution.

Hugs to you,
Rose

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you rose, i was thinking just that, ill talk with t in my next appointment and see what we can do. Only thing is t always talks sbout my did dx. My fiance knows about it but i can tell when i talk to him he doesnt believe it or thinks im just wacko. He knows my symptoms that give me the dx but he doesnt fully understand it and thinks i just think too much or something. He knows all the signs are there he just doesnt want to believe it and i worry if he does believe it he will think im nuts. I dont want to go into it with t there. T told me to have my fiancd ask me what my name is when my voice changes or im acting out of charachter, when i did my fiance looked at me like i had 3 eyes.
hes not used to dealing with mental illness other than his ADHD and his grandpas mania. Thats all he really understands and abuse to hi is something you see on tv.
I dont know what to do. Hes mad at me still from last night. How much i wish i could do what he says and just get over it all and be happy go lucky but you're right, i cant. Its like putting a bandaid over a huge gash, it does nothing but cover the wound that needs stitches so eventually it breaks open gets infected and is much worse in the long run causing more problems

[Sannah]

Hey Purple, have you heard about the books "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus"? It is explained that when men have a problem they like to either solve it or minimize it and women don't want to do either of those (actually, we get upset when men use their techniques on us!). Women just want to be heard and to vent about it. Maybe your fiance is doing this?

Maybe there is a middle ground, though, in that you could try to enter into today a little more? (But don't stop processing the past).

It really sounds like he is trying to help. He sees you in distress and wants to help.

[Sannah]

He was mad at you?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

He was mad. What ended up causing an argument was that i was upset. He said he was going to his buddies real fast and would be home shortly, his phone was at home charging. When i tried to call him an hour and s half later and he still wasnt home and two hours later and he still wasnt home, it upset me. I get all of these ideas i just cant shake. So when he called me i was upset but not mad or anything, i was keeping my cool or whatever, i just wasnt very talkative. He knows me and could get that i was upset. Which ended up starting an argument i tried to explain to him that i do trust him, i just have issues because every man, ex's, family, strangers... every man from my past tried to hurt me and it wasnt until i met him that i was able to get out of the chaos and start to put myself together. That i have a lot of work to do, that i have been doing. Thats when his comment came up about getting over the past etc.
i apologized time and time again but he's still distant. I dont know how to make him understand just how much my past effed me up

[Sannah]

Maybe he just needs some time to recover?

[Sannah]

So you were upset and then started to explain how your past made you react this way and then this was when he made the comment?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Pretty much. Before when we would argue i would get mad and blow up on him. I mean dont get me wrong, we hardly ever argue, its about two times a year but typically it starts because of this. I have been working on it and the last time was in january and before that was last summer, each time i get better at holding it in and realizing the issue lies within me and my difficulty trusting men and my insecurity problems. But he can read me like a book. Just because i dont go off on him he can tell if im upset and could tell yesterday i was upset, but i tried not to let him know because i know its me why im having these problems. But after a few minutes of saying "i know youre upset, why are you upset" i just told him, but i told him its not him, its me and my issues but he doesnt understand how much my past still effects me. Literally until i met him i was in unstable relationships non stop in every aspect. Cheated on and SAd by many exs, was in an unstable home so i ran away with an abusive man. Only after i left the abusive environment was i able to see just how unstable and abusive my life was, and thats when i met my fiance. I never really thought normal caring men existed before i met him, but he doesnt get any of it

[Sannah]

So what is really bothering you right now is that he is quiet?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Right now, yes. I want him to understand that i cant just ignore or wish my past away, but i am more worried right now because he was quiet and i could tell with how he was looking Jrat me that he was still upset. Quick to say bye, didnt touch me last night and just rolled over, even tried to leave to work 10 minutes early

[Sannah]

How about asking him how he is feeling and what he needs from you right now?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I will when he comes home. He left his phone with me so i can talk to my daughter (shes spending the summer with her dad) since mine got shut off. These last two months ive been in a hole, since my brother moved back to town. Ive been so lifeless pretty much, it takes extreme effort to just get out of bed. I havent been cooking or cleaning, he has. So i figure ill scrub the house and cook some dinner since i dont work today. If only it was easier to find the energy

[Sannah]

Frequently, taking care of your surroundings by cooking and cleaning can help you with depression.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I didnt even think i was depressed but the more i think about it, i guess i am. I get engaged and not even two weeks later i go into a depression. Of course hes upset. But hes not the reason for it, my brother and the effect he still has on me is. I wish i could just forget it all. In the movies after something traumatic you see the person walking off into the sunset with their significant other, already over the trauma that just took place. Sometimes i wish i lived in the movies and it was that easy to move on. Maybe im just weak

[Sannah]

I only mentioned depression because you said that you have been in a hole.

Please don't let your mind run away on this and assume all sorts of things that your fiance is thinking. You won't know what he is thinking until he tells you.

You're not weak. This stuff is hard. You are where you are and that is okay. Please have hope that you will move forward. You really have made a lot of progress on things quickly in these last few months.

((((Purple)))) i can relate to the film reference...i honestly think that those endings just make things worse for some of us. We areasked to suspend disbelief for those couple of hours....yet it sticks with us. The reality is definitely not that easy

You are not weak ((((Pur)))) you are human. Dealing with real issues. I wish too sometimes someone would just ride me off into the happy and totally unrealistic sunset...magically healing all of my struggles and pain so i can move into the next chapter of my life. Happy and carefree.

You can get through this. You are lovely strong determined and working hard. You are doing your best and moving forward. Sometimes moving forward is imperceptable to us cuz we are takjng little tiny baby steps. But those add up and count for a lot!

Please keep focusing on you and your well being.. be kind to yourself.

Hugs, Rose

[Rapunzel]

Purple, what if you try focusing on the little things that can be changed? You can't change all that happened to you in the past or the fact that it still affects you - that would be like telling someone with cancer to just stop having cancer - it takes time and it takes treatment, and abuse (including sexual abuse and emotional abuse) causes physical changes in the brain that could be seen if you looked with MRI. But you can work on some of the things that interfere with your relationship. Talk about what you and he would like to be different in your behavior, and work on specific things, such as you could work on trusting him more or agreeing on what you and he will do if he is not home when you expect him to be.

Another thing that jumps out at me is validating emotions. We don't choose to be upset or choose our emotions - we just have them, and it is how we feel. When you were upset about him being out later than you expected, that is an emotion, and it sounds like you were trying to explain to him that you were reacting more to your past than to what he did. That is really a good start - letting him know that you are upset, but not mad at him for what he did. It doesn't change that you were upset, though, does it? So the next step is to accept that emotion. You were upset and that is okay, and makes sense in light of your past. It doesn't have to be bigger than it is, and in time it will be easier to deal with triggers like that and they won't upset you quite as much. The other side of it is him being upset that you were upset. The same thing applies. He has emotions too, and his emotions also need to be accepted for what they are. It doesn't mean that you did something wrong if he is upset, it is just how he feels. His emotional reactions also probably have a lot to do with his past experiences. Everybody has schemas. What would it be like if both of you could say, "ok, I'm upset and you are upset, and it is how we feel, but we are not mad at each other and this feeling will come and go like all feelings do?" (or if you are mad at each other, that is just another feeling, and it will come and go too - just don't do something that you will regret when you feel that way).

[amandalouise]

Purpleflyingmonkeys ... let me get this straight your fiance went to spend some time with friends and you got upset because he wasnt back home with you an hour, two hours later...and your reason you were upset about his not being home with you was because men in the past have hurt you...

Im sorry Im not sure I see the connection...

how is the men in the past affecting whether or not he needs to be home with you on a time limit of an hour or two away from you.. did men in the past abandon you so now you are afraid he's going to abandon you? thats the only possible connection my head is making..

most people I know that have been abused by men in the past avoid being with men or they go the other way and become promiscuous seeking out abusive men who will treat them the same way their abusers did..

from your posts in this thread and your past posts this guy isnt abusing you, all he's doing is spending some time with his friends, which is something that is completely normal, people do spend time with their friends and they dont usually do so on time limits, unless the one at home is abusive and trying to isolate that person who wants to be with their friends.. nothing in any of your posts say anything about you trying to abuse and isolate him...

so Im confused about why you feel he can only spend a few minutes to an hour with his friends and then has to be home with you..and how that fits in with men in your past hurting you..

why is it that you are afraid to have him spend time with his friends instead of being at your side 24/7 or how ever long you can go without him by your side...

throwing some ideas out here...
maybe you can look into getting a pet..dogs make great therapeutic pets for people who have anxiety and feel they cant be left alone even for short periods of time, they are also great in the protection area of things...no one would dream of coming in my house when my wife was not home with my dog around and my dog is great for companionship, anxiety, fears (real and imagined) when my wife is out of town. the same with our cats. Im even getting used to and enjoying my nephews lizard, while I am pet sitting lol,

maybe you can find a hobby of some sort that you can do and save it for when your fiance is out visiting his friends so that you have something calming and special to do.

as for how to get him to understand you and your problems...unfortunately only he can settle this kind of thing within himself. you cant control how he thinks and how much time it takes for him to wrap his head around this...my suggestion like I posted in the other thread maybe invite him to your sessions with your treatment providers, they can help him with any questions, fears, what ever thats going on with in him about your mental problems.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Well i do worry about being abandoned, i worry about cheating, lies, about him being something he's not. Because ive only known terrible men, have only been involved with terrible men, have only seen terrible men, its unusual and makes me think its just too good to be true to know or be with someone as good as him, someone who isnt using or abusing me. Its hard for me to believe that a good man actually exists at all and better yet that i found one. So it causes me, when im feeling really down on myself, to look for reasons that hes just like any other man ive known. I know hes not but when i start to dislike myself i start to think something isnt right. I realize as mentioned above, its my issues but i havemt been able to fully control my feelings.

Thank you all for the replies, he and i are doing great now. I cooked and cleaned and while we were eating i apologized again, id already explained myself the night before so i just left it at im sorry. He apologized too and explained why he was upset. He holds everything in because hes afraid to stress me out. I told him not to be afraid of that but i cant blame him. My stress this past year, especially since my brother came back has been making me physically ill. Vomiting, migraines, blackouts and a couple of seizures all related to stress. I start to get sick and vomit everything i eat which causes my blood sugar to get low. I hate it and have been to the hospital for these illnesses a few times this year. For the last two years really maybe its a mental breakdown but when my stress gets high i get sick. After arguments sometimes i will black out, its been a roller coaster, especially this last year. I cant blame him for being afraid to be open with me, if it was the other way around i would never want to upset him. But t and i start stress management tomorrow, i already knew my stress is too much and i need to find a better way to handle it, with him saying hes afraid to be honest because of it just reinforces the fact that i need to get it under control

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

Well i do worry about being abandoned, i worry about cheating, lies, about him being something he's not. Because ive only known terrible men, have only been involved with terrible men, have only seen terrible men, its unusual and makes me think its just too good to be true to know or be with someone as good as him, someone who isnt using or abusing me. Its hard for me to believe that a good man actually exists at all and better yet that i found one. So it causes me, when im feeling really down on myself, to look for reasons that hes just like any other man ive known. I know hes not but when i start to dislike myself i start to think something isnt right. I realize as mentioned above, its my issues but i havemt been able to fully control my feelings.

Thank you all for the replies, he and i are doing great now. I cooked and cleaned and while we were eating i apologized again, id already explained myself the night before so i just left it at im sorry. He apologized too and explained why he was upset. He holds everything in because hes afraid to stress me out. I told him not to be afraid of that but i cant blame him. My stress this past year, especially since my brother came back has been making me physically ill. Vomiting, migraines, blackouts and a couple of seizures all related to stress. I start to get sick and vomit everything i eat which causes my blood sugar to get low. I hate it and have been to the hospital for these illnesses a few times this year. For the last two years really maybe its a mental breakdown but when my stress gets high i get sick. After arguments sometimes i will black out, its been a roller coaster, especially this last year. I cant blame him for being afraid to be open with me, if it was the other way around i would never want to upset him. But t and i start stress management tomorrow, i already knew my stress is too much and i need to find a better way to handle it, with him saying hes afraid to be honest because of it just reinforces the fact that i need to get it under control

now I understand the connection. thanks so much for clarifying it for me. Im glad things are going better for you.