[mtd]

THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING -- BE CAREFUL -- GRAPHIC

I want to be at peace and want to feel confident and move forward with my life and all that goes with that. But my truth today is I'm afraid, and deeply sad, I don't want to be alone. I want to feel safe. But I don't feel safe. I don't because I'm very angry and it's boiling up and I'm frantically trying to shove it back down and ignore it, which is never good. I think I have reason to be angry. I don't think I've shared much of the details here before, but it's relevant today. I've been angry and I think it's because I've been around kids who are today the age I was when I was hurt, and I can't stop worrying about them and whether they are safe. I know most kids are safe with their families, but I have a hard time believing it and it makes me look at their parents and wonder what they're doing behind closed doors -- are they treating their kids with love and respect, or are they abusing them? It's like an obsession, and it's like I don't trust any of them. I catch myself staring at them trying to figure out if they're safe with their kids. I learned not to trust at a very young age. I was very young when they took me into the basement. And it was so incredibly brutal. The first time was the worst. It was that way to keep me quiet each time after that. They bound me to the stair rail and pillar, and took turns raping me. And one of them wouldn't stop yelling -- it was so loud. And he hit my face so hard when I bit him it still shows up as a recurring body memory, this sharp pain in my left cheek that still makes me flinch. God, the yelling was so loud and I couldn't move. I was pulling so hard to get free but I just couldn't get away. God, this sucks. I hate this so bad. I can't shake these memories and the feelings and I'm so sick of crying every day. I just want to move on, and I don't want to worry about every kid I see. And the gun. As if the rest wasn't scary enough. He had to finish it off with the gun and that nasty grin as he told me what would happen if I told anyone. I pictured myself in my mind today, the gun in my hand finally, blowing his f* brains out. I don't think I'd regret it. He was so incredibly inhuman. I just want him out of my head. I've tried so hard for years. I hope the children are safe. I wasn't, but I really am praying for them.

Thanks for listening.

mtd

[Rapunzel]

When you've experienced the bad side of how people can be it's hard not to think that most people are probably like that too. So you worry about other kids you see that age because their families might be like yours. My family was dysfunctional in another way, and it was surprising to find out what other families, normal families, are like. And then I wanted to belong to one of those other, healthy, families but I didn't. You have to create your own healthy family, but that's not so easy when you haven't experienced it. Functional families do exist though, and you can create a functional family, starting with yourself and by surrounding yourself with people who have the same goal.

Hmm, I'm not sure where all of that came from. Just some thoughts I guess that were sparked by your post. I hope that it helps you, and I'm sorry for all that you went through. I guess my point is that I want you to have hope for yourself and for those kids that you know who are the age that you were. It's never too late.

Rap

[csavage]

Oh wow, mtd. I'm so sorry that all happened to you. I always thought my family was the normal one and when I went to visit friends and their father didn't yell and their mother wasn't in bed and the family went on trips together, I thought they were so weird and I wanted to run home so that I could expect what was going to happen. I often wonder what you do and I am very suspicious of people that I let my son go around. I hope that one day you will be able to put these horrific memories to rest far away and that you will be able to live a happy, misery free life, God knows that you deserve it. I hope you SOON find your peace

[mangledreality]

*May Trigger* ((((MTD)))) I have read this post and yes it is grphic, but it is the truth. Some of our stories are. I have posted parts of mine. I noticed you said something that I say daily and said in my posts...I want him out of my head. I feel like me letting him be there night after night in my head lets him win all over agin, I am working on it. There WILL be a day when he will leave my mind when I say. I have seen families in pulic and think, is that parent patting those kids wrong, does hell arupt when the doors are closed? Hearing others stories is helping me sooo much please know how greatfull I am to all who share,and for all those who are not able to post yet know that I thank you just for reading these words. Take care MTD, I will always be willing to read anything you feel the need to share.
Rachel, mangled reality

[kimmydawn]

(((((((mtd)))))))) i'm so sorry.

i don't understand the cruelties that children sometimes have to suffer. i will never understand...

how brave and amazing you are...bottom line. i hope the same as you...that the abusers can no longer live in our heads. i've come a ways on that.

so much respect with many wishes for peace.

kd

[mtd]

Thank you all. This was a tough one for me, and I'm off to my T. to really start dealing with some of this -- as if I haven't been all these years. I'm reminded today of something that was written to me here once, "Fighting to break away from being a victim doesn't make me better or stronger it just makes me whole."

I can stay determined to become whole with your support, and I hope to be the same to you. Thanks again for being here. It's so much better than being alone.

Be well,

mtd

[cherybery]

mtd, I just read your post and what you went through was without a doubt just horrible. I am so glad you have a T to work with you on what has happened. Your trust as a child was broken and I could see where it would leave you wondering how children that are the age you were, are they safe. You are brave for sharing. You can count me in on your support hon!
Cher

[hillbunnyb]

mtd, Oh how I wish none of this had happened to you. I will probably never understand what people are "working out" by abusing others, especially children.... I flash all the time on stinky memories. At this point, being older and well practiced, I have a program established in my head to IMMEDATELY push the bad picture out by putting a good picture in. Shift the balance to more good pictures than bad....
It's hard work. Kindnesses here help load the good side.

[Hopefull]

Wow! That must have been horrible. I hope you get the help you need.