Is she in denial or she's not herself?

i just had long conversation with my friends, she is wondering what makes me stay so long this time at my parent house ( the answer is money), my mother is very abusive physically and emotionally, there is no day in this house where we live in peace theres always something that anger her, me my father and my sister try our best not to be at the same room as her for more than 5 min because she will start being crazy, everyday is a war in this house its like madness house and like today she had a huge fight with my sister and almost beat her ...

few days back , she is talking to me about someone who beats
their children and gave comment " thats crazy how could someone did that to their children" andme i hate it when people talking bad about someone elses when they also did the same thing , so i tell her " you did that to us" and she start denied that and it makes me so angry so i show her the scars on my forehead (she hit me with sauce bottle when i was a kid) she started making an excuse and iam so angry so i just walked away

until now i still have a doubt, a lot of the time i think the abuse never happened its just me imagining it because she always denied it and i always confused about my feeling for her i dont think i ever hate her , i love her and i wanted her to love me too, all this time i make my self believe she is not her when she did all the bad things to us and thats why she dont remember it , but lately i really curious to know is she really dont remember it because she was not her when she did that to us? or she remeber it but she in denial?

i am so scared that i would becoming her, i never want to be like her .. but what if i do?
i keep telling myself everyday that iam not her and i wont be her, but what if she dont remeber what she did its because she was not her ? and someday maybe i could be like that too , iam not me and did all the things that she did to us ?
even to think about this make me really sick

(((puffypure))),

I am sorry that your mother is such an unstable presense in your life. When we are growing up and our minds developing a sense of who we are and our value, we do depend on our parents to send us positive messages that say we are loved and worthy to live and we are also smart enough to continue on and flourish in life.

Unfortunately if we do not get these "positive" messages from our parents, we do get very confused as to our self worth and how well we will be able to live our lives. A parent who sends us mixed messages can do us a lot of harm in how we view life and ourselves so much that it can cause us to lose our interest or desire to thrive. Our parents need to water our spirit and personal senses, like we would provide water for a plant to grow. So our healthy sense of "well being" lies with how our parents or parent or guardian show genuine interest, respect and consistent dependable love to us.

Your mother being untruthful and her history of abuse (that she denies) towards you, has sent you mixed messaged that are confusing you, and this is what you are expressing here in this thread.

So what can someone do when a parent, whom they depend upon for a sense of their well being and deserving of a quality life is not providing a needed "nurturing"? What that person has to learn to recognize is that he/she has to look for other "mentors" that can help him/her to feel and believe in themself. And these "mentor like people" can be found in different places, mostly the places that revolve around the learning environment, mentors that are "active" and "pursuing life" themselves.

It is important to understand that when a parent or guardian is not providing the right nurturing, it doesn't mean that "a productive, positive" life can not be attained. You don't have to allow yourself to believe that a parent is the "most important source" for your "nurturing" and "permission for personal developement" and you don't even have to be "anything like your parent" THE REAL CHOICE IS "YOURS".

puffypure, what you are discribing in your mother is the truth about "how you see her" and you already know that she is "not a very good supportive mother" and you sure don't want to aspire to the kind of person your mother is right? So don't!

We do not have to "like the people our parents are" we can have a love for a parent, but we don't have to take after them or even "accept their beliefs or attitudes". In fact the overall plan in humans by design is to "be better than a parent". A parent is suppose to give us their knowlege and we are suppose to take what we feel is productive and "do better than the parent". But our doing better than a parent is not equated in monetary success, it is more in learning what "not to do" and "not to make the same mistakes in our lives as our parents did. So often it can be quite obvious when we view a parent that behaves like your mother, can be dishonest, or have other poor social skills and even be somewhat "ignorant" that there are qualities we do not want to have ourselves.

puffypure, you have every right to NEVER BE LIKE YOUR MOTHER. Just because a parent is bad or abusive, doesn't mean we are destined to be the same. We each have the right to our own way to exist.

So, puffypure, ease your mind, set out to look for positive mentors that can show you how to invest in yourself, you ARE worth it.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Hi open eyes thank you so much for your reply

i always see her as different person , i saw her mosnter side most of the time but when she talking about someone elses who also abused their kids and she will start talk like " how could they did that" or " i would never did such thing to my kids" and ect i saw her as different person, and its make me wondering maybe when she is abused us she not herself..if you know what i mean and thats why she dont remember it
and its scares me because what if i becoming like her, i mean without me knowing it

i know i can choose not to be her, iam me and iam nothing like her, and all people who know me knows that i lovekids and i always good taking care a kids and everyone say i will be a good mother and ect but i still scared

this is the longest periode i ve been home , never stay this long before so i see her everyday and its just make me more scared

iam scared i will turn into her without me knowing it .. i know its not make sense but just because it doesnt make sense wont make my fear go away

iam sorry for my rambling and iam sorry if its not make sense at all

(((puffypure))),

Oh you're not rambling, don't be sorry, that is what PC is for, opening up and talking and seeing what others have to say too.

Well, it is possible that your mother has some rage issues when she is abusive, was your mother abused in her childhood? Knowing her background could be helpful.
It is "possible" that your mother may have some type of identity disorder and she is just not aware of it. My T told me that he has had patients that he noticed would change their personalities in therapy so he decided to record the sessions. His patient (a woman) didn't even realize until she listened to the tape that she was "different identities" in therapy, she was very unaware she had this problem.

When children are growing up, before the age of five they don't really have a whole sense of self in one identity. It may seem like they do because some children can be very bold and forward and confident, but they are not yet at a point were their emotions come together to develope in the brain. We all have our emotional strengths and weaknesses and different concepts about different things where these emotions come forward. But as I said for someone with some kind of dissasociative identity disorder, these separate parts didn't quite come together to form one consciousness, instead these people have developed "separate identities that kick in when the person is struggling with something. And often these people are not truely "aware", they disassociate. It is complicated and something you may need to read more about. I can't diagnose your mother ofcourse, all I can do is present a "maybe" this is what you are seeing in your mother that is confusing you. And it doesn't mean that you are going to be the same way either.

Has your mother ever sought therapy for herself? One thing you could do is find a way to record her when she changes how she is displaying her personality. If you can get enough together, maybe "if she is approachable" you could show her how she is behaving.

Are you seeing a T yourself? Because if you were, you could record your mother and show it to your T. A qualified T would be able to look at the situation and give you more advice.

(((Hugs)))

I am not sure if he was abused when she was a kid but my aunts her sister never did things that she did to their kids , iam closed to my aunts and there were certain periods i lived with my grand ma ( her mother) my grand ma never did anything bad to me .. so not sure where she get that

i dont think she have identity issue, she just crazy most of the times, thats it.

i am no longer in therapy because theres nothing that they can do to help me, i like my Pdoc and my psychologist but theres nothing they can do to help me anymore, so i stopped. In my culture everything is different , like my mum doesnt matter what she did she is still my mother and i will always have to respect her and obey her , so my pdoc say i just need to accept it and move on with my life

my Mother sought for therapy? thats impossible , she is so religious and she believe God will solved everything and everything is God's will, beside she is always right so she nevr think theres something wrong with her
she is so manipulative and using emotional black mailing to get whatever she want , have no responsible for whatever she did

i hate myself for have this thought, but sometimes i wish she would die... i know i need to becareful with thing i wish for but...

thanks open eyes for replying and for all your input,