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  #1  
Old May 05, 2006, 09:42 PM
Hopefull Hopefull is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2005
Posts: 732
I rarely visit this section of psych central. But, I am visiting today.
I have no memories before the fourth grade. This has always puzzled me. But, past psychologist wasn't surprised. The T that I had before the current one wasn't surprised either. Is it strange to have a void in my memory that huge? I mean my parents weren't nice to me. They almost never said a positive thing to me and said negative things quite a bit. My step-father had a scary temper but it wasn't exactly a real frequent event. But, if he yelled at me, he scared me. My sister has about the same void in memory. Lately, I have noticed that the memory void is probably larger than I thought. When I just focus on home memories rather than school memories, I think it is later in life. But, I am not sure because it is hard for me to remember much in the way of childhood at home.
I am tempted to try to do some work on childhood in therapy. But, I am not sure if I want to. I find talking about childhood turns me into the biggest cry baby that you could probably imagine. My current T hasn't asked much about it. But, I did share a bit about my childhood with her in the last session. She just asked me how I get along with my mom now.

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  #2  
Old May 05, 2006, 09:58 PM
Hopefull Hopefull is offline
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I'm going to babble more. Trust. I don't trust people very well. When people yell at me, I sometimes get scared. Why is that? Sometimes people remind me of my step-father and I feel angry or maybe even hatred. But, I don't seem to feel that way towards him. What is the deal there? Do I sometimes hate or have anger towards my parents? My mom should have stood up for me. My step-father should have seen the pain that he was causing me. I mean I threatened to commit suicide repeatedly. Why didn't they get it? He said that once you're suicidal you're hopeless. That made my blood boil. Why did they squash my self-esteem in smithereens? What kind of parent teaches their kid blind obedience and then expects them to have common sense? If you want me to obey every order without thinking, how can you expect me to think at other times? Why are parents allowed to slap, push, spank, and chase their kid on a horse when I am not even allowed to complain about how they treat me. I wish I could remember why my step-father was on a horse chasing me but I don't. If I complain about something, my mom would slap me or tell me that the conversation is over. AAAAAAAAAAAAA! Kind of gives you a hint where my black hole of denial came from. Why are children told that they are not allowed to raise their hand to their parents not even in self-defense? Did anyone else learn that rule?
Well, I think I am done ranting now.
  #3  
Old May 06, 2006, 04:10 AM
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Hi Hopefull

I could have written a lot of what you did. I'd just say that some of my childhood stuff has come out in recent T sessions (I dissociate so it hasn't always been in my control what comes out) and it has been very helpful. My T has encouraged me to look at things through adult eyes rather than child eyes and that has helped me to feel better about it all. Once I've acknowledged what happened in the past it becomes a little easier to deal with what is happening now.
Keep on going!
  #4  
Old May 06, 2006, 12:24 PM
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Well, about the memory not being there...... I'm sorry I'm not able to help much there. For some reason it seems I remember everything from being a burglar accomplice at 4 years old (I fit in windows) to being held repeatedly against my will at 6 years old, to being held at gun point at eight-- and more-- it's all there. It's caused me to get into trouble sometimes as an adult though--- as I see people needing protection when sometimes I've found out they don't. Childhood questions

Do you think that in some instances it could be best to not remember things??---that is... if remembering them isn't going to help one's life go forward?

You said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
When people yell at me, I sometimes get scared. Why is that? Sometimes people remind me of my step-father and I feel angry or maybe even hatred. But, I don't seem to feel that way towards him. What is the deal there?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

OH this is just what I do regarding my mother. She was my main abuser--- I've been told-- I hope I'm explaining this right....... that when I get upset or scared at others when they act towards me like my mother did-- I am transferring my past feelings onto them. I also don't feel those things towards my mother like you don't towards your step-father-- but I'm working on that in therapy. I believe the term is "tranference"---(hope I have that right).

I'm sorry for all you went through as a child-- it's not right.
I hope you will keep talking--- I'm here listening.
Childhood questions
  #5  
Old May 06, 2006, 03:17 PM
mtd mtd is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2003
Location: Las vegas
Posts: 303
Hello Hopeful,

I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I also get the impression you feel some need to express and explore more about your childhood, but are perhaps afraid to confront that history. That could explain your lack of memory. (For me, it's nothing at all between 1st and 2nd grade.) The fact is, what you have described experiencing was abusive, and there is no justification for it.

I really encourage you to explore this more with your T, but keep two things in mind. You can do this safely today with the support of others, and you can take your time. You do not have to deal with it all at once

be well

mtd
  #6  
Old May 06, 2006, 04:53 PM
bearhugs bearhugs is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2006
Posts: 64
Excellent post caroline. I was going to say the same thing....I would say follow what caroline had placed, Take good care Bear..
  #7  
Old May 07, 2006, 01:01 AM
Anonymous29319
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Before I entered therapy at age 19 I had absolutely no conscious memories of my while life from age birth to 19. All I had to go on was a nightmare that I could not remember upon waking up in panic attacks, and family stories of family get togethers. My family would all be sitting around and someone would say "remember when..." And I had no idea what they were talking about. It was working with my past and present 19 different therapy professionals over a course of 20 plus years.

Most therapists work on the "today" relationships and problems before they work on putting the past together. working on the past issues is not going to do anything but make the person worse if they do not have the skills needed to keep themselves on track befor working on the harder stuff. Once your therapist sees you are actively using grounding tools and so on so you won't become suicidal and so on when working on the harder stuff she will start getting into the abuse stuff you went through.

A therapist job is to help you work out things so that your present life and function level is better then when you started therapy with them. Their job is not to make you worse by jumping into that abuse situations without the tools needed to take care of those situations for yourself.

Take care.
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