[mandehble]

Seriously. Everyone else seems to enjoy casual sex and casual relationships. It just makes me feel more like a broken outsider when I can't see anything but the potential for more hurt and abuse when I think about hooking up with someone. I'm so tired of feeling this way!
I like someone right now and he says that he likes me but I'm having a lot of difficulty accepting that. He says that he wants to keep his relationships with people open and my prudish mind can't see that as anything other than disrespectful. Now I'm in pain and I'm torn between allowing myself to get closer to this person who has relations with people that I don't understand or just running away from him completely. I just don't get polyamory of casual sex. I tried to understand but it all just seems like potentially dangerous, vapid ********; an excuse to use people.
I'm really tired of feeling like such a freak. Maybe I'll luck out and the effexor I'm on will rid me of my sexual urges.
*sigh*

[Sannah]

I don't think that you are a freak at all. Wanting a loving, committed and monogamous relationship is good! Maybe you aren't looking in the right places for a healthy mate? One thing that I have learned is that when we grow up in a dysfunctional environment and it affects our self worth, that being around healthy people can make you feel bad about yourself. Healthy people really see you and when they really see you and you don't feel good about yourself it is painful. When around unhealthy people, who don't see you, you can hide and it feels more comfortable. I had to work through this so that I could tolerate being around healthy people. Now I avoid unhealthy people like crazy. They make life much worse. (I don't avoid people with problems, though, I just avoid the ones who are harmful).

You deserve a good mate. Don't give up finding one and don't settle for less!

[JLarissaDragon]

I know that for many people sex is sort of free and casual. Unfortunately I found the hard way that there is no such thing. There is always an emotional attachment and a certain amount of pain if things do not work. I used to think my body was my own and I could do as I like. I managed to get myself hurt, get pregnant, have a miscarriage, get married in a dysfunctional relationship, and have that marriage fall apart. I can't imagine the heartache I could have saved my self if I had controlled my hormones as a teenager. As girls we often are looking for love and enamored by the first guy who shows us any attention or affection. It is hard and often our hormones rage.
It is hard to give you any real advice other than to say, I have many regrets from my days of experimentation. I finally put my life back together and I am now married to someone who respects me, loves me and always is there to satisfy my needs. I would make that your goal. Take your time to be discerning and if a boy wants to treat you like another conquest, run as fast as you can

[Butterflies Are Free]

I think I can relate. I feel that each person is entitled to navigating the sexual realm(no abuse) in the way that best works for them, but I think I would need to be in a stable, healthy relationship before engaging in sex. I do not think there is anything wrong with you at all and I think it is okay to take things slowly with this guy. One of my friends met her husband through another friend and spent a year just doing things with him in group activities before she actually began dating him. Trust yourself and take your time...

[mandehble]

I guess wasn't really hoping to find advice anyway. I just needed to vent that. I don't necessarily feel that I'm conquest to this guy. I just think that he can't imagine the harm because he's not a woman and he hasn't been abused the way I have. I just hate how I always seem to be the one who is trying so hard to understand other peoples' motivations and accommodate them. He even said that he likes me but doesn't think that with my background that his preferred relationship style would be good for me. Now I'm feeling agitated because he burst my bubble. It's not often that I like someone and I was just enjoying the feeling without worrying about the future. Now I feel like I've been asked out and dumped at the same time. I feel disillusioned and hurt like my past is being rubbed in my face as a reason why I can't have nice things. I don't want to be a prude...I want to have fun just like everyone but I can't and that makes me feel alone and left out and ashamed of who I've become. This sucks.

[mandehble]

Originally Posted by Butterflies Are Free

I think I can relate. I feel that each person is entitled to navigating the sexual realm(no abuse) in the way that best works for them, but I think I would need to be in a stable, healthy relationship before engaging in sex. I do not think there is anything wrong with you at all and I think it is okay to take things slowly with this guy. One of my friends met her husband through another friend and spent a year just doing things with him in group activities before she actually began dating him. Trust yourself and take your time...

Thank you! It sounds like you really get it.

[geez]

Not that I've tried it but have you thought about trying something online to find some good dates?

A T told me about eharmony and had good things to say about it.

[mandehble]

Originally Posted by geez

Not that I've tried it but have you thought about trying something online to find some good dates?

A T told me about eharmony and had good things to say about it.

I met this guy on an online dating site. He lives in Australia where I am moving in a few months. We skype a lot. Mostly the idea of online dating is scarier than real dating. Nah, I think I'm done. If life experience has taught me anything, it's that I'm not meant to get along with people.

[nicoleflynn]

Respecting yourself is of most importance. Dont' do ANYthing that makes you feel....less.

[HonestlyLying]

I used to be into casual sex as a result of being abused. Now I'm totally asexual. I have to say that I did the casual sex thing without any attachment what so ever. I always felt empty.

If you have a guy you like and want him in a monogamous relationship you can't allow him to use you just to be with him. That would really suck.

I'm absolutely certain you can find someone that you find interesting and is mutually attracted to you. Casual sex is too empty and there is no return for what you have to put out.

Just listen to your heart and follow it.

[mandehble]

Originally Posted by HonestlyLying

I used to be into casual sex as a result of being abused. Now I'm totally asexual. I have to say that I did the casual sex thing without any attachment what so ever. I always felt empty.

If you have a guy you like and want him in a monogamous relationship you can't allow him to use you just to be with him. That would really suck.

I'm absolutely certain you can find someone that you find interesting and is mutually attracted to you. Casual sex is too empty and there is no return for what you have to put out.

Just listen to your heart and follow it.

I always felt less like a sex partner and more like a masturbatory aide whenever I had casual sex. It's just uncomfortable and a bit scary without any trust or emotional attachment. I'm glad you're absolutely certain that I can find someone who is right for me...because I'm not so certain at all.

[Open Eyes]

mandehble,

Please don't take this guys statements as something is wrong with you. That is a big mistake and something many tend to do, especially if they have a troubled history.
A guy that makes that statement is really just saying that "he wants to just hump different girls without any attachments or responsibilities" and that has nothing to do with "your worth". And the fact that he told you that you wouldn't fit into his agenda, is actually his repecting the fact that you are not just another "bimbo".

Having a sex drive is normal, it doesn't mean you need to think you have to respond to it. All it really means is that your body is "ready to reproduce". You are a human being and your body is designed to have one big goal, which is to reproduce just like all other living things. "And" during that time that our bodys are sending that message, women tend to look for a viable mate and there are certain things they are looking for that are not all on a conscious level. There are also chemicals that we send off that tells us what a good match might be as well. And that is all about how our chromizones are designed as well. There really is SO much science behind this that it is really important to understand this is not just "about not wanting casual sex". And women are also designed to be somewhat selective, because if we were not selective, boy we would be constantly pregnant too.

The fact that this guy is someone that attracts you, and you have not had this happen in a while, that doesnt mean that you will not find another guy where you feel an attraction at another time. The fact that you don't want to have casual sex, well you are actually "smarter" than those that indulge so much.

There is nothing wrong with being very selective and responsible sexually. Wishing that you didn't have the sexual drive is wishing you were not just a normal human being designed to be motivated to procreate. Just because the desire is there, doesn't mean we have to act on it, it is just there because our body is ready and that is all. We have, however taken liberties with this drive and like anything else that brings a euphoria, we often look for ways to abuse it and control it.

It is important to remember that men are also designed to want to procreate, and they are designed to try to do this with as many possible mates they can locate.
They are driven this way to ensure the survival of our species as well. So at a certain point when a male is at his peak on the hormonal level to reproduce, they do tend to be less commited to one mate and more prone to look for a bigger selection. And this has nothing to do with "your value as a person". So, you have to really allow yourself to recognize that and just move away, even if you are attracted to this guy, he is just not ready to appreciate, any one female.

(((Open Eyes)))

[Shishkeberry]

Not to sound flippant, but you could always start taking birth control. It killed my sex drive.