Can't even tell them apart...

I can't even stand being at home. For two years of my life I was molested/raped by my Uncle. (Moms side of the family.) But my Dad and him look almost identical. I actually can't tell them apart. I've never been able to. Everytime I look at my Dad, I think about everything that happened when I was little... and it just makes me want to die. I still haven't been able to tell my parents about what happened to me when I was younger. I still feel so much hatred towards my family for not being able to see it... and the way they treated me the times I got raped as I was growing up... .and just a month ago, too. (This is just me ranting, by the way. If you guys didn't choose to read it.. that's okay too. I just need to let it out.) I've had so much built up anger and frustration.... The only people that live around me that i've told about what happened to me, just think it's fun to tell me that i'm a complete ***** for letting all that happen. I know for a fact it's not my fault. It took me a while to figure that out... but I know that I never asked for it...and I would give anything to go back and make sure it never happened. I didn't think that after 11 years, I would still be hurting so bad from what my Uncle did. I still have horrible nightmares. I still wake up screaming, and crying.. trying to push someone away from me, that isn't even there. I still black out everytime I do anything with my boyfriend, and when I finally come out of it, I have really bad panic attacks, and don't know how I got there, and it's so dark... I feel like it's when I got raped just a year ago. I want to forget it all. I just... don't even know, anymore. Counseling has never helped me. Meds don't help me at all. All meds do for me, now is completely numb me... I like not having to feel the pain... b ut I want to feel something...

You really need to tell your parents what happened to you. What kind of therapy did you get and for how long?

The only kind i've ever had is one counseling session for physical abuse. My mom promised that she'd call and set up an appointment to see a psychiatrist, and a therapist. But she never calls...

Hi I read it buy the way also read your profile. Thinking maybe all the stuff that happen has brother you. I'm so sorry that happen to you. The best I can do for you is give you a gift to carry for today. I give you courage to keep you safe and lots of healing vibes headed your way.

Have you been reminding her to make these calls?

Hi Ticli. I am happy to see you back, though I do wish the circumstances were much better.

Ticli, I think it's perhaps high time you told your parents...not only do they need to understand so they can get you proper help, they might not understand what it is you've been dealing with for all these years. Yes, it is going to be a hard conversation to have. I won't lie and tell you it's going to be easy. But you owe it to yourself to get some help for this, and I think this might be the way to do it. And I think, once you do tell them, that you might find at least some weight lifted off your shoulders.

Please know I'm praying for you Ticli.

My best,
Harley

Yeah. I just don't see her caring enough to actually make the calls, now.

When they found out that I got raped, they lost it, and blamed me for all of their problems in their life. They've been really mean to me ever since. I don't even want to know what it would be like if I told them.

What are you seeing that is causing you to make this interpretation?

Me: Mom, please call my doctor? I'll even set up the call for you.
My Mom: Okay. Wait till I get out of the shower. *Goes and takes shower* -30 minutes later- *Gets out of shower*

Me:Just let me know when you're ready to call.
My Mom:Okay.

-An hour later-

Me:Mom. You really need to call. They'll be closing, soon.
My Mom: Give me a minute, will you!
Me:Mom...Please?
-10 minutes later-

Me: Dad, she won't call.
My Dad:She's never going to.

Me:Mom. You need to call. It's been weeks.
My Mom:Let me watch t.v. Okay?

This is an every day thing.

Not to mention hearing my parents talking about me. Exact words: "I hate her so much. I don't care if she lives or dies."

Why can't your dad call? (Good work trying to get your needs met. I'm sorry that your mom is doing this. She makes me angry.)

Agreed with Sannah...I am sorry they would be so unsupportive of you in this...I don't know the entirety of your circumstances, but it is cruel and untrue that you're the cause of their problems, and I am sorry they would be so cruel as to blame you.

I do still think you need to push your mom to make that call...explain that the call can help you in getting yourself on the path to recovery, and that you sincerely want their help. I don't know how they could decline that.

Please know you're in my prayers Ticli, and if I can do anything at all for you, you need only ask.

My best,
Harley

I got taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, and overdosing on valium.... and when they had a counselor come and talk to me, they pretty much forced my parents to make the calls.

Finally! I'm really sorry about your poisoning. Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing.

Hey, i mighy be completely barkig up the wrpng tree but maybe shes in denial a bit?

For me, i never wanted my mum to know. One day she saw some bruising on u ribs and i thought i was gonna be sick i just wanted to rewind tine and her never yo have seen them. I just lied my way out off it. But thats me. Do you want your mum to.know?

Can you.not ring the doctors yourself? Or go for somethig else and bring it up?

I don't really want her to know. I mean... it's her brother! I don't even want to know what it would do to her, knowing that her and my dad left me with him in the first place. I just don't want to hurt her.

Protecting other people's feelings which hurts you isn't a healthy way to live. Your parents are the adults and you are the child. You are turning it around and playing the adult.

I've always had to act like the adult. I'm just a kid, and I don't think they'll ever understand that.

It is the way a lot of dysfunctional families function. The adults never grow up and think that it is okay to get their kids to take care of them. Actually, the same thing probably happened to them. Could you ever tell your parents that they have turned this all around and you are the adult in the family?

That was actually the way both of my parents grew up. They raised their younger siblings, they had to take care of everyone. Blah,blah, blah. But, i've tried talking to them about it, but they're not really good at listening.

You can start taking care of yourself, though, and put yourself first.