Investigation

I'm needed to provide information on an investigation regarding my abuser. I already did it 2 years ago with the police here and hours and hours spent with attorneys. Then again last year and then again last year with the media. I need a break but.......... just this morning because this is an international abuse case involving other people I have now been asked to provide all the details again. I can't bear the thought of going through all that. I am trying to move on or as some people like to say..... heal. I have to keep seeing this stuff constantly and seeing his name in my emails every single solitary day!!! Obviously I am frustrated. Not to sound too important but they need me for this because I started the whole thing.... opened the whole can of worms. But when can I say I've had enough.....

unfortunately in some situations its not up to the victim/survivors. I went through a similar situation. it wasnt international but I didnt have a say in saying ok enough already. social services and my parents thought it best to prosecute my abusers on my behalf so that some day I could look back and know I was believed, that people listened to me and that regardless of the outcome I could be assured i did nothing wrong that everyone did everything possible to see that justice was done.

I got so tired of going over and over and over what happened, and I had to do the repeat cycle more than the average person does because I had memory problems and PTSD (those memory problems and some of the PTSD problems were later diagnosed as DID), they would have to question me over and over again until I got so upset that I switched into the alter that did know what happened. they even had me hypnotized and medicated to make it easier on me to recall what happened. I remember crying in my moms arms saying I cant do this again, I dont want to do this, make them stop and crying with my therapist telling her to make the questions and people go away I cant do this any more.

but now that its all over with Im glad I was given that chance to name my abuser, tell what happened so many times, and testify against my abuser, because doing those things really helped speed my healing process. I know many people who wish they could name their abuser, tell someone what happened to them but for what ever reasons they are unable to do that. some even end up stuck in the victim stage because they dont know how to get past what happened to them, some where the statute of limitations have passed feel like they have been jipped out of a part of their healing process because they were not able to talk about what happened, tell people what happened.

my point is I know its hard right now, it does get better and some day being able to talk, tell about what happened might just turn out to be a positive thing in your healing process. and maybe some day you will feel like I do that being able to name your abuser and tell about it is a gift that many survivors/victims dont have an option to do.

I'm sorry this is all coming up again. Is there any way you can arrange with the investigators to go over it just one more, and no more? It sounds like one thing that is making this so hard is that you're being controlled by their schedule, their needs, their wants. Sounds triggering (it would be for me, anyway!).

I decided to refer the overseas authorities to my local District Attorney's office. I don't know how much good that will do but at least I answered. I don't want to be seen as obstructing any progress but as you know it is so hard to be on other peoples' timing. We will see what tomorrow brings as everyone returns to work.

I'm glad that you could protect yourself, at least for now.

I'm still in protection mode. But....... I always know that anyday the phone will ring or the email will be there asking me for details or something somebody wants from me. AND the only reason they want anything from me is because of the abuse, not because of me. I would really like to be something/somebody other than what happened to me. I also know I caused a fuss so it would nice to be somebody for something better than CSA.

It makes sense that you don't want to be defined by the abuse. I believe that you said that you are a teacher. To what extent does teaching give you a sense of being somebody?

Very little do I have a sense of being somebody except by my immediate family. Performance-based living for so long along with the abuse led me to only identify myself by what I did. I'm hoping to be somebody to myself. Don't know if that makes sense but I know what I am to some people but not to myself. I lost that and actually don't ever know or remember when I had that sense of identity.

As an athlete your identity was based strictly on winning or losing. I suppose that abuse made it even more difficult to believe that there was value inside worth exploring and developing.

It does make sense. Perhaps what being somebody to yourself means is that you can see or create value, meaning, purpose in yourself as yourself, whether or not you win or lose.

You mentioned starting to listen to your body and perhaps acting differently, based on what it says. Perhaps there might also be thoughts, feelings that you could start to be able to hear.

When you were young perhaps the focus was already fully on performance, and much of whatever self that remained was shattered by the abuse.

Adolescence is the time to start to build identity, so yeah, there was interference with you doing this at that time. It is never too late to build your identity, though. I actually just built a big chunk of it recently during my midlife crisis that I started having this year. It is never too late.

Alot of what you mention was what we talked about in therapy today. Interesting. The identity thing and the "creating meaning" idea is what I'm working on. I've been making strides. A year ago this month I had to take a medical leave, could hardly function physically even so I feel pretty good thinking about how far I've come in a year. Even actually the 6 weeks or so I've been on PC I've been growing. Talking, thinking, feeling, sharing and even trying to help others has caused growth. I've been tracking mood here everyday and there has been a steady good pattern developing. I'm thankful. For all who are here and participate.

It is so great to hear of your healing and growth over these recent weeks and months. Thank you very much for letting us know!

Continuing what you've been doing--talking, thinking, feeling, sharing and even trying to help others--plus staying away whenever possible from whatever you know or intuit to be unhealthy--will foster continued healing and growth. Keep up the good work!

Hi there. Just remember that you are helping so many other potential victims with what you are doing. As frustrating as it may seem the end result will be worth it. Sorry you have to go through all this again but one day it will be case closed. All the best.

Thank you. I'm not sure how I am helping other people other than the few that were involved in the same situation. Thanks again for the nice thoughts. I am not sorry I did this public thing but I do know it has been hard.

Every single person who speaks out makes it easier for other victims to speak out. Think about the kids who will see this case on the news. They will know that it is okay to speak up about it if it happens to them. And you know, every time I hear somebody else talking about their abuse, I feel a lot less alone.

You're doing great, Little Me.

Thanks Skelski. So much appreciated to hear what you said.