[Valis]

NOTE: Can trigger, very personal.

I apologize before hand if this post is too long:

From the age of 10 till about 19 I was abused by my step father in many ways than one.

One of the things he did, that I believe profoundly affected my mental health, was long periods of isolation. Years of isolation.

The punishment for many of the infractions I commited when I was younger, was a day (many days) without food, and complete isolation in my room, which had nothing but a chair, desk, and some books. I slept on the floor.

Oddly enough, my step father took off the all the doors in my room so he could, "keep an eye on me constantly."

For those years, the only contact I had with other people besides my immedeate family (my mother) was when I went to my public school, and the occasional run to the store for neccesities.

The only way I removed myself from that situation was through doing extremely well in school, and gaining a scholarship to this college I'm currently in now.

These years I have been at the university have opened my eyes to all sorts of things that in the past I could only dreamed about. But at the same time, I have had months and months to sit down and think really hard about what went on back at home...what can still happen when I return back home.

Now that I'm about to finish up my degree, I'm starting to think more and more about what its going to be like to return home.

To return back to a situation that was never resolved, but just delayed.

Every time I think about that room I sat so many long days makes my soul crumble. Anxiety just seems to engulf me.

I think I would snap if I had o return back home to my step father and that room.

My therapist tells me that I'm not that child anymore...the one who talked to himself for hours because there was nothing else to do.

My therapist tells me that I don't have to go home; I'm an "grown man" now.

But she's wrong, I have to go home...I'm expected to. And besides, I have no one else but those people back at home. I don't know anybody but them.

Sadly enough I have a hunch thats the way my step father made it to be.

So here I am, feeling like I'm 10 years old again, and waiting to return back to a very bad situation.

I feel like all those long years I bled and sweated to remove myself from such a hell is about to be erased. I feel like I'm going to do something stupid and end up in a mental hospital some where.

I feel absolutely miserable.

It’s understandable. The feeling of everything coming back full circle…. trying to run away, and after so many years, the possibility of being back to square one. The apparent inevitability of it all feels horrible. But that’s what it is, only ‘apparent’.

You say you are “expected” to go home. But that is other people’s expectations. What about what *you* want? What will make *you* happy? You’ve suffered enough; don’t let that man win by feeling you have to go back and exercise his ‘power’ again.

Your step father had some control back then, okay. But this is in the past. Your therapist is right: *now* you have some control over your destiny. If you don’t want to go back, and IF at all possible, why don’t you try to get a job elsewhere? You have no one else apart from back home, but you could still visit those you want to. You’ll make friends if you decide not to go back, you’ll build a new – and safer – haven where you will decide who is to be part of your life or not. And where people won't be able to hurt you.

It doesn’t have to be how it was. But you do need to make a conscious decision to stick it out... despite it not being easy. And have your therapist help you along the way.

[Evangelista]

God Vlais..that must have been so horrible for you to go thru…and I hope you find a way to battle the terrible anxiety that must be building, and that your Therapist can assist you in this very BIG decision to go back home with your step father, into this emotional and psychological torturous environment, but home is home. It’s just so not…I had a very abusive step father. in more way than one too..Excelled in school and was attending college on a scholarship as a Gifted Student..but I was not able to get away from the abuse and ended up loosing everything because of issues I won't go into revolving around my home life but ..Hindsight being what it is..if I had been able to get away to college and not be at home while I was attending..man, I could only dream of what my life would have been like..the lost years, and I would have never looked back intellectually, but I understand emotionally where your at…home is home..familiar..even in the worse ways..take care and I hope your T helps you to make the best decision for you and your future..

This must have been very hard to share…I hope you take care..and you are worth so much more than what “Home” has to offer …

[Monty_girl]

I can really relate to the abuse you suffered. I think they must have a how to abuse children manual somewhere. From not being feed to sleeping on the floor ( I never had a bed until I was maybe 13? ) to having the door removed so they could sit there and watch you.

Now that you are getting out of school have you found a job in your feild? Could you maybe find a roommate in the paper to share an apartment with? I would think going back to that situation wouldn't be good for your mental health.

I understand how you could feel so isolated right now. But I wanted you to know that you aren't alone. There are many people here who understand and have an open ear for you.

Lisa

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Valis said:
Now that I'm about to finish up my degree, I'm starting to think more and more about what its going to be like to return home.

To return back to a situation that was never resolved, but just delayed.

Every time I think about that room I sat so many long days makes my soul crumble. Anxiety just seems to engulf me.

I think I would snap if I had o return back home to my step father and that room.

My therapist tells me that I'm not that child anymore...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Dear Valis,

I am so SORRY! - that you had to live thru such hell created by another person, and at that one that was supposed to love and care for you.
Please know that YOU do NOT have to return to this once abusive situation and that you can heal the ten year that was wounded and still lives with in you.... or at least his energy does.

Please take a look at this book and read it.... I think it will shed a bright light on what you are feeling inside, with the thoughts of having to possibly go home.

LINK: http://www.booksamillion.com/ncom/bo...pid=0911207023

BTW - I left home at the young tender age of 15 and while we (the family & step father) are all able to get along now.... I never regret not going back.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Valis]

Thank all of you for your welcoming responses.

Last night when I was thinking about this situation I was feeling very (very) bad...Now that I think about the situation again, It seems apparent that I have to make an extremely hard decision, one that I will have to stick with. This is daunting enough.

As for my degree...I'm getting the feeling that maybe I have been looking at my degree the wrong way. For a long time, I was driven to do well educationally for the sole fact that (to me) a good education meant getting away from home. In a way, I'm totally overlooking the fact that my degree is what will help me (possibly) make a new life for myself.

It's so hard for me to think of a life outside of my family because of what had went on in the past, and thier perception of me. It's going to be very hard to change my life. Hopefully my T will help (who knows)

Thank you all once again

...and thank you Rhapsody for the wonderful book suggestion.

[wisewoman]

You don't need to go back. Start getting your ducks in a row and get a place to live and job. You do not need to be back there. You can also stay in a rooming house or at the YMCA. There are many options.