[Lauru]

Please be aware, I will be talking a little bit about my story, probably would be a huge trigger. Please stop reading if you don't feel safe.

















Ok, so I am seeing my pdoc as my T as well. I am working on the CSA as a kid with my Dad. I am so scared and I don't know what to do. I told my pdoc about something really hard. I talked about how my Dad abused me from when I was 4yrs to 11 yrs. How he would just pick me up and move me around to pleasure himself. And I told him about how I became obsessive about repeating what my dad did to me by me doing it to me. Although I couldn't use my hands as Dad said I was not allowed. My Dad said he owned me and that that part of me was his. Only he could touch me there. So I became obsessed about hurting my self down there like he did. I wanted to punish myself. The hardest part was that sometimes by body betrayed me and reacted when it shouldn't have. I worry that that means I wanted it or enjoyed it. It made me sick and I just closed my eyes and wished I would die.

And that is how I feel now. I want to die. I don't want to remember or feel or think. I just want to die. I am calling my pdoc in AM maybe he can help. If not I am afraid it is over for me.

Please don't judge me too harshly after reading this. I already know how awful I am. Believe me, I try to punish myself everyday. Thanks to all who have read this.

[tinyrabbit]

Oh honey. My heart went out to you reading this post. You are NOT AWFUL. This was NOT YOUR FAULT.

It is completely normal for your body to respond and completely normal to try to recreate what happens to you. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.

I'm sorry you were hurt in this way. None of this is your fault, I promise.

[picklewheeze]

I hope your pdoc can help.

Its really really hard to remember this things and talk about them but you are SO strong.

Youve made the first big step by telling your T, youre on the way up and out of this.

Dont give up, not after youve survived for so long. You can do this.

It wasnt your fault, why should you lose your life because of whaf he did?

[Sannah]

Lauru, you did good work by sharing this with your pdoc. This is how you heal, by getting this stuff outside of you and sharing with a helping professional.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

I agree with the others that your body would normally respond like this. It is also normal for a person to feel the way you do about this. You can work through this. I hope that you can continue to share all of this with your pdoc and therapist.

Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Oh honey. My heart went out to you reading this post. You are NOT AWFUL. This was NOT YOUR FAULT.

It is completely normal for your body to respond and completely normal to try to recreate what happens to you. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.

I'm sorry you were hurt in this way. None of this is your fault, I promise.

Thank you for the kind words. But I just can't see this, I wish what you said was true. I'm sorry. I just feel so awful right now.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by picklewheeze

I hope your pdoc can help.

Its really really hard to remember this things and talk about them but you are SO strong.

Youve made the first big step by telling your T, youre on the way up and out of this.

Dont give up, not after youve survived for so long. You can do this.

It wasnt your fault, why should you lose your life because of whaf he did?

He told me it was my fault. And I believed him. I still do. He is dead now, but I can still feel his essence hanging around. I can't get rid of him. My pdoc is trying me on Trilafon to help with those thoughts as he doesn't think my perception of that is clear. My pdoc is great. He doesn't make me feel ashamed by anything he says or does. He tells me I'm not evil. But I feel evil.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Lauru, you did good work by sharing this with your pdoc. This is how you heal, by getting this stuff outside of you and sharing with a helping professional.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

I agree with the others that your body would normally respond like this. It is also normal for a person to feel the way you do about this. You can work through this. I hope that you can continue to share all of this with your pdoc and therapist.

Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing.

Thank you sannah. I hope I heal from this, but right now I can't even imagine it.

[Lauru]

So I remember being all red down there from all the rubbing he did. It burned and it hurt. I remember when I got into the bathtub the water on it would really hurt. I told my T this but I have this overwhelming urge to just cut everything off of me. I'm not going to do it, but that's how I feel. If it's not there it can't hurt me. I think my T feels sad for me. Which perplexes me.

[TerryL]

Hi Lauru, I'm so sorry for your pain. I know everyone tells you it's not your fault but you still feel it is. I have heard that time and again from victims of abuse. they almost always blame themselves. I wonder why that is? The human psyche can be such a mystery. I did happen upon this online self-help book Psychological Self-Help - new - Table of Contents which is actually in the Self-Help forum. One of the articles shed a lot of light on my own issues. Maybe you might be able to find some article in there that could help you? wishing you much-deserved peace and happiness.