BEWARE very VERY Triggering

((Sky)) Thank you. i have been told by T once before something like I do not trust him. Thing is , I do not understand because I do not see it that way. I would give him the keys to my house and car...I am certain he would not hurt me on purpose but I still have issues with that. I may need to start a thread somewhere in T trust or trust and what it my mean that others see that I don't trust and I do ? I think or fear I am stuck I did start to write some of it and stopped thought up a billion things to do. Never finished it I am I fear just stuck here and don't know how to get past the embarrassment or whatever it is that hold me back. I was at the park today and played it all in my head ..a conversation with T on it. (or anyone really) and I found I didn't even get past abuse before I shut down even in my dream

Ugh

PasDeDuex

my abuse stopped almost 13 years ago.. and it took me up until last year to be able to talk about it with out vapor locking and shutting down. even now i have to stop and recompose before going on..... it is normal to feel this way.... I am here for you ok? my offer still stands if you ever want to talk just pm me ok ?

Good point Mel.

How are you feeling today Pas De Deux? You're in my thoughts.

I only just arrived to this wonderful support community and I am hoping you don't mind if i jump right in.

All I really wanted to say is this;

Seems to me that in your head and heart, you know what happened was way wrong, but your body betrayed you by enjoying what it was designed to enjoy and that causes you this huge burden of shame and guilt. You cannot control your body in situations like this.

The shame is not yours to own, so I hope you can soon give it to those who abused you.. they are the rightful owners of that shame, wether they accept that or not.. it is true.

One day at a time.. be gentle with yourself.

Peace,Faith

Faith ...

Mel, Heartspace and Faith, thank you and yes you are all correct I just cannot talk to anyone on this in person. On this site it would be SO sick it could mess some people up just reading it. I cannot be mad or hate these people cause I love them and they were family and just And I really DO love them It is so complex for my brain

Pas de Deux, if you're concerned about posting sensitive material, you can use the trigger icon. If you're worried that the material is still too difficult even with that icon, you can always PM me. I know you're going through a really rough time, and I'm here for you. (((PdD)))

HEARTSPACE

I haven't shared my story yet, but i will soon..

I did want to share something that has been helpful to me.I write. Letters. I have written letters to 2 of the people who abused me.

I did this for my benefit, not theirs, so they have never gotten the letters. I chose to write mine on my computer and I reread them until I felt a sort of peace for having at least putting it into actual words, and then I deleted them to keep it private.

It was as if then, I could find a way to release the hold it had on me.. the silence I was keeping.

For me, it was the solution to confrontation because I am talking about family members that I have a lot of love for. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk about details of the abuse out loud... well.. maybe a little but very little. Writing it helped take it out of my head where it seemed to constantly be swirling around.

I hope you will find you can do this too.Meanwhile, stay strong and don't forget.. you are already a survivor.

Peace

((( Faith)))) thank you. I sometimes think even the way I feel about what I feel is abnormal. I may try writing but the worry is it could be found somehow.

You've been on my mind, so I just wanted to check on how you're doing tody Pas de Deux.

I hope those awful feelings are beginning to subside.

(((Pas de Deux)))

(((( heartspace))))) Thank you how nice of you to check in on me. I didn't get on till late and am soon signing off for I hope bed for a restful night's sleep. I am OK considering this issue. I was SO busy today I didn't have time to THINK of anything. That for me is good

I can't imagine what you must be going through. You should not feel vile or ashamed by things you cannot control.

Thanks Tanya, I do though. I don't even think of it daily but lately since the dreams I do and then I feel like crap.