very triggery...beware...

Wasn't too sure where to post this...every time I try to write about the mess that is my life, it's like a door gets slammed in my face...but what I do remember is...anybody who is prone to triggers, let this be a warning...a condensed version...
when I was but a wee bit of a lad my parents drank very heavily...it would start out fine big laughs and all, but evenually it would turn ugly. my parents would fight and I mean knock down drag out fights...My dad was a mean drunk and when my mother wasn't there to abuse...us kids were. But it always seemed that I would be the one who couldn't get away, mostly because if he caught me he would leave the others alone...I missed alot of school nursing bruises and broken bones...it was always that way...he kicked me down the basement stairs once and left me there...I crawled to a closet because I heard him coming back...2 days in that closet and after that it became my hiding place...
In our basement there was a weird design on the floor, what I learned later in life was a pentigram...the hair on my neck is standing straight up and my stomach is starting to tightenso I know I'm heading where I shouldn't...they used this symbol in cult worship. I watched them coming down the stairs lots of people I didn't regognize but one face I remember quite clearly my mother they found me hiding in the closet and dragged me into the middle and just keep saying things to me I didn't understand just screaming in my face the floor is cold and I got to get away but they draged me back I was so scared I went to the bathroom in my pants they're laughing and saying what a piggy I am...I finally slipped away when they started ...I remember I used to try and protect my mother from my dad when they would fight I would do anything to try and please them... my dad would bring home beer on saturday and I would hide some so when sunday came they'd have beer and I was such a good boy then...when I was 10 or 11 my uncle came to stay and he was just as bad he'd tell my brothers to beat the crap out of me because I'd stay in my room and write they'd come in and read it and make jokes about what a sissy I was then they'd tear it all up and throw it in the garbage and then I'd get a good pounding, I guess that's why I throw everything I write in the garbage...I can still hear the laughter as my head bounced off a wall or two...once I tried to fight back and I kicked my eldest brother in the balls...they weren't laughing then and I remember grinning as they rushed me to the hospital with a concussion and broken ribs...I have to stop because I'm going down ...please don't judge my parents too harshly they probably had problems much like our own but back then they didn't understand the way they do now, I forgave them...and I understand lashing out which is why I left my wife and kids... no I didn't and I didn't want to take the chance that I might...I love my kids and they're mother with my entire being and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret seeking help instead of running...they have a wonderful father and they're mother is very strong...from what I've witnessed they seem a happy little family and for that I thank God...it should be me there not someone else it should be me... now I've done it...I'll continue later right now I need to cry...

((((mystery))))) huge hugs...Remember...no matter what you endured...you don't have to be a product...you seem so intelligent and cognizent of the disturbing past that was yours...I have faith in your ability to overcome it..hang on....much love...grace

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LYLE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I really don't know what to say sweetie...that is so heart breaking to read =( *cries with you*

(((((Lyle)))))

I know you are suffering so much right now. Just want you to know I am here if you need someone. Whatever you need I will try to give...as much as humanly possible.

As I was reading this and read the part about why you probably throw out everything you write, I thought about how it would be something to save everything and get it published. That would show them, I thought. I don't know...just a thought.

Hang in there...I'm here for you.

I am so sorry and no I will not judge them ...Its so sad you continue to suffer their abuse by giving your beloved family up.....Thanks for the trigger warning that was smart to do and you may want to copy and paste this post to ABUSE an area way down more may see it there...SAFE HUGS

I can't write any more because I just answered a post left by Lexicon and if my post affected her the way I think then it's better not to write it here...or anywhere for that matter...not because of you lexicon but because what if some one with a similar past reads it and has a bad reaction or worse sends them over the edge...and I should've realized that some people would react badly to it...I am so sorry Lexicon...it was stupid to post it right at the top of the page and if it can be deleted please delete it.

WOW...It hit home here too but in a good way I don't feel so alone in some of this. Please don't keep this stuff bottled up. wite in a journal, write it on paper and burn it you need to. write it down put it into a glass bottle and smacsh it into rocks in an area that no one would get cut by it, use play dough to create scenes of it just to smash and squish it to oblivion, buy a dart board game and put the words there on paper and use it for target practice, write a letter to your abuser about it (you don't have to mail it) , use the blog area here....but please don't keep that stuff bottled up inside it will create ulcers and so many other problems...

This is a mental health website with a world full of people.. its impossible to avoid each and every persons trigger and reactions. If every one tried to do that then there wouldn't be a psych central because no one would be writing anything.

This site has options so that those that get triggered by stuff can avoid reading the posts that effect them (by using the ignore icon or seeing the words "triggering" in the subject line.

I have also found that for each person that my posts trigger there are lots more that want to read my posting. My blog from this site alone jumps 50 to 100 viewings a day if not weekly for the past two months because I have been placing a majority of my info and posting stuff there.

Take care.

Sorry to read about what happened to you. You sound like a strong person. A survivor if you know what I mean. Write as much as you like. there will be people to read it and respond.

((((((((((((Mystry))))))))))))

I hear you!

(((((((((((((Mystry)))))))))))))))))) My heart goes out to you when you were so young. Keep posting.

You people are so caring and I really don't want to hurt anyone...just getting this out and reading it again gives me the shakes, I guess I really should beware the trigger sign.
A little more now. School was a total waste of time because I couldn't concentrate and the fights I had in school were related to my home life which I didn't realize at the time. The fights I lost mostly because I refused to fight back and I'd end up getting a %#@&#! kicking, again it was because of the writing...
always the writing...
The times I did fight back the person or persons deserved it, I always defended the underdogs no matter what, and when I'd see some jock picking on the smaller guys, I'd be like a whole different person...but after I always felt so bad I'd try to apologize to them...I got a repution as loose cannon...
these memories aren't really what I wanted to say but if I go back to that closet...to that time in my life when there wasn't any happiness, so...let me write about a good part of my life when I was able to keep the hounds at bay...My wife was 2 months pregnant when we got married and I used to joke with her about how it was a shotgun wedding...We had a big fancy church wedding...and she was the most loveliest thing I ever saw in my life...we even composed our own wedding vows...and most of my family was there... because her mother asked them...I couldn't have cared less because I knew sooner or later they would start something...but thank goodness all they did was drink all the booze so my father-in-law had to get more...suprisingly they didn't fight...anyway I wrote a song for her and I had rehearst it but when I sat down at the piano in front of all those people I forget ever note every word... until I found her eyes and focused soully on her, and I started and I finished all the time our eyes never left one another. after the room was silent for what seemed like forever... she flew across the floor so fast and dove into my arms we both went flying over the piano bench and then everybody was all around shaking my hand and patting me on the back, but all I could think of was the love I saw in her eyes that night...I'd never done that before and I've never been able to it again...happy tears racing down mystry's face...memories can be a good thing...I mean the right memories...that was the best my life has ever been outside of the births of my children...but that I'll come to later...right now the reality of where I am and what I've become is trying to crowd out the good parts...so until next time I send my best wishes to everyone...

The wedding memory sounds like a lovely one to have...so glad you have these kinds of memories too, Mystry, to dwell on.

Wonderful memory! I hope you relive that one some more and the memory of your children's births.

Dec. 17th 2004 I was working at a kennel and living in a boarding house...actually it was in the basement. Living with me was a crazy cat named Jack...or Jacco as I came to call him affectionately...I had just finished working on my computer and was almost asleep when a pounding came upon my door and then terrible scream to get out that there was a fire...
I grabbed Jacco and foolishly headed up the basement stairs. Without thinking I threw open the door and was hit by the thickest cloud of smoke I have ever saw in my life...I slammed the door shut and headed back down the stairs to the only other exit out of the place...a small window in my kitchen.
The guy who lived with his son on the third floor took Jack and I was able to slip out the window...I took Jack and put him in my car...and headed back around to the front of the house...the woman who lived on the main floor was running around hysterically screaming that her kids were inside...I didn't hesitate I ran to the front door because the main blaze was in the back of the house...the door was locked so I kicked it in and headed for the the woman's apartment...the smoke was unbelieveable I crawled on my stomach through the front room and came to the kitchen...off the kitchen was the kids bedroom but the door was closed I could hear them screaming...I reached up to turn the door knob but it was either locked or jammed so I stood up and kicked the door open and found them hidding in a closet...
I grabbed a blanket and scooped up two of them and raced for the door...I got them outside and handed them over to someone and was about to go back when someone grabbed me and said it was too late...I pushed them away and went back in the scene was so unreal...the pictures on the walls were literally melting in place...I crouched and headed back toward the kitchen and the bedroom, the smoke was thick and black and I made the mistake of trying to take a breath the heat in my lungs was incredible...I got to the bedroom and was just going to wrap another blanket around the other child when someone grabbed my arm...it was a fireman and he took the child and disappeared then strong arms were dragging me out ...
I sat in the rescue truck watching my life go up in flames...I saw the guy who lived on the third floor and climbed out to talk to him...he told me that the woman's son banged on every door and nobody would help him...he had to go to the corner to phone for the fire department...I thought so much for neighborly kindness...
the woman came over and hugged me and we cried until she had to be sedated and taken to the hospital...her kids were fine...minor bruises...and some smoke inhalation, but they'd recover...
I remembered Jack was still in my car so I drove him to my sisters and that's where I broke down and passed out...
I came to the next morning in the hospital...
I've lived out of a backpack and with family members ever since...it was a couple of months later when I started to lose control...and the dreams and memories of my childhood just came flooding to the surface... they wanted to give me an award for bravery but I didn't go I couldn't go...I did what anyone else would have done...
anyway one night at work I just broke down crying and couldn't stop...I left and never went back...
I'm not a hero...heros don't cry themselves to sleep and then wake up screaming...heros don't get numb and shake and hear things or do things that they can't remember doing...I have come to phylosyphize that God gave me the strength to walk away from my family so I could be there that night...I am not a religous fanatic but I believe that everything we do has a purpose and it may take awhile to realize what it is...I guess I have some problems but I don't know maybe it's just that I've done what I was supposed to do and now I should bow out gracefully...if only it were that easy...

wow.....that was unbelievably brave of you.........you are a hereo.........God bless you........

(((((((((Mystry)))))))))

I have no words...none. What a beautiful person.

KD

okay this is going to create some emotions in me that I shouldn't...but I feel like a fraud which is really what I am...that night dec.17 th 2004...there were not 3 people in the house...the tears are coming...there was 4 ...3 children and 1 adult...the adult was passed out across the bed so I got the children out and as I was going back in...I was at the kitchen just about to crawl threw the door when the ceiling came down right in front of me...through the smoke I could ssee him,,,he must have woke up...he was struggling to breath and yelling for help ....I tried to move the %#@&#! from in front of me but I couldn't...I crawled out just as the rest of it came down...I could hear him and then I couldn't...I tried to get to him but I couldn't...God help me...everytime I close my eyes I see itI should've tried harder...so you see I am not a hero...living with this is killing me slowly I can't seem to function anymore...I don't have the right to be happy but I force myself to smile and even laugh but the guilt is always there ...I've devoloped a very scary attitude toward living...where I used to be cautious about crossing streets I walk right out into the middle of traffic without looking...Ithe anxiety in me is starting so I must go and break down. I just thought I should tell the truth here at least...

Oh, Lyle! How strong of you to write this here!
Remember the words I said to you about this, my friend!

You did all you could, Lyle! All you could! Sometimes all isn´t enough. You´re not to blame!

Hugs for you, my friend!

Nina

On the night of dec.17th 2004, 3 angels were saved by a man named Mystry. If it wasn't for that man 3 children would have died.

Bless that kind man for being at the right place at the right time.

((((((((((Mystry))))))))))

No Sundance...we are not all survivors...there has to be losers...or there wouldn't be any winners...I am a loser, time and again I am reminded of that...

{{{{{{{{{{Mystry}}}}}}}}}}}

You are NOT a loser.

sorry to hear what happened............your not alone........if you need to talk im here for you

(((((((((((((((((mystry)))))))))))))))))
safe hugs

you keep posting here my sweet. you need to get this stuff out, you put the trigger sign there, that is enough to warn people.
i want to put my arms round you and hug you so much for what you have been through. you are a wonderful, intelligent and sensitive person to write like you have, and brave too. i wish you all the luck in the world in your progress to heal, you deserve your family, what a shame they are missing such a wonderful father. abused aren't abusers usually although it has been known, the way you have written and what you have written proves you are aware of what happened to you was wrong and i'm sorry you made the choice to leave your wife and family.
please pm me anytime, i will talk and listen to you. what a lovely person you are.

with love and genuine concern, jinnyann (kerry) xoxoxoxoxo