[biiv]

im reposting this from the end of my last thread cos i think maybe it got a bit lost there. so this is from last wednesday. just to let anyone who might be interested know what happened.

just back from T. feel completely wrung out. actually gave her a copy of my first post on this thread. actually it was a bit longer. but only a bit. didnt think i could. even took me quite a while a lot of the session to do it. then after i just could do nothing but stare at the floor and zone out. got that tune 'half a pound of tuppenny rice, half a pound of treacle, mix them up and make them nice, pop goes the weasle' running through my head and had to keep dragging myself back cos she was asking me stuff.
then the tears just started coming and i couldnt stop them so i ended up sitting there crying for a second, getting them to stop and instantly crying again for another second. that went on for the rest of the session. cant believe i actually told her i might be overreacting cos its a bad time of the month. i NEVER talk about stuff like that with people i dont know. not unless they bring it up at least. and even not really then. i might say 'me too' or 'i know' but thats it. god. im so embarassed and mortified. i was so so stupid. i cant even think of what she must think of me.
i asked her to keep the paper cos i couldnt stand the thought of focusing on it long enough to take it back from her and put it in my pocket.
she wants to see me again on monday and says if im still as upset she might want to see me again next wednesday too. god she must think im such a freak.
she was saying it was the beginning of a process and i was brave for starting but i cant see how. i just cant see it being anything but the end of the process. there is nowhere else to go from here. now i just have to create my very own one member leper colony so only i can only hurt myself and no one else has to see me. yet there must be something in me that made me even go this evening. and i ll go back on monday. after that... i really dont know. but i ll try one more session at least out of curiosity to see if she knows something i dont.
she said some nice things and i just felt like mud. when i said i wished she wouldnt say things like that she just repeated them stronger and i felt even worse. like im cheating and accepting praise where its not due. though its confusing too cos she knows whats in the post and she still says it. she knows what i deserve and still says nice things?
maybe on monday she ll have had time to take in what i wrote and will have come to her senses and backed off and wont want to see me again. that would kill whatever is left inside me but at the same time it wont surprise me in the slightest. and at least it ll be in keeping with how the world works.
wow im tired. i dont know what im thinking.
thank you everyone so much for all your support. i just wanted to write this to let you all know i did show her the post. so thanks.
biiv

[bipolar_bear]

It was very brave of you to share your feelings and experiences. I journal a lot and sometimes it is so much easier to express yourself on paper.The good thing is you were able to give it to your therapist. Maybe you can accept her kindness as a true expression of what she is thinking. And caring. It dosn't sound to me like that she thought of you as a freak at all but that she is concerned and would like you to learn to work through this with her. Please try and accept what your therapist is telling you. I don't get any indication that she is saying she doesn't want to see you but quite the opposite that she is there for you. If you can try and talk to her about your fears either verbally or in writing I think it will be very helpful for both of you. I will be thinking about you Monday. Take care of yourself and try not to hear her say what you think she is going to but what she really is.

[mtd]

Biiv,

I can relate to the feelings you are expessing. I know what it is like to feel unworthy, feel unlovable, feel that I'm only hurting others if I'm around, feel like my sadness won't go away for nothing. In time, I've come to understand that, for me, these were the messages my abusers wanted me to hear. It's what they taught me. I think they did it to feel more powerful than me and to avoid looking at how disgusting, inhuman and evil they were being. They chose to hurt a child. They chose to intimidate a child so they wouldn't get caught. They were despicable.

In recovery, I've chosen to take that child within me back and re-learn who I am. I am worthy of love. I have courage. And, believe it or not, I see the beginning of that in you. You are reaching out to express your pain. That takes courage for us as survivors because, as children, we were taught not to trust. We learned not to trust other people or even ourselves. By expressing your feelings, your grief and your fears, you are showing your courage. You are fighting back against the wrong things you learned as a child.

Please keep taking little steps forward. Please keep reaching out for help and companionship. You deserve love. You deserve to be with others. You deserve to heal. You are not alone Biiv. We are here with you.

Be well,

mtd

[JustAPixie]

(((((((( biiv ))))))))))

Hang in there... once you hit the bottom the only way to go is up...

[cajun]

Biiv, Your Therapist was right. You are Brave and you deserve praise.You are hammering away at your problem while others would have given up. You are stronger than you think.Go back to T and try and when it hurts, go back to T and try some more. Never, Ever give up. You have lots of support here and many people who care about you. It is a long climb back to the top when you are at Rock Bottom, but it is quite a beautiful sight when you arrive at the top. Keep climbing. I'll be your safety Rope. BIG HUG FOR BIIV Sincerely, Your Safty Rope, Cajun