the evil inside

There are so many different parts of me. So many different ways I behave andim trying to get them to blend and fit together buttheres this thing in the middle that’s so warped and disfigured and th it woont let them fit together. it’s the bingeing and purging and drinking and cursing and sex and lesbianism and evilness and hatred and anger and destruction and black and pain and death and wanting to be so violent. Its all packed up inside. Its like a black hole in my chest. No not a hole. Like the black spot. Cankerous. Stench. Ugly. So very ugly. And I don’t know what it is. Do I? IS IT WHAT I SAID ABOVE? IS THAT ALL IT IS? LIKE THERES SOMETHING REALLY WRONG. LIKE PEOPLE WILL SEE HOW … BAD I AM. LIKE THEY THINK ITS SAFE TO GET TO KNOW ME AND THEY SEE THE SHINY OUTSIDE AND THINGK ALL IS GOOD AND THEN … ITS LIKE BITING INTO AN APPLE AND FINDING OUT THE INSIDE IS ROTTEN AND FULL OF BUGS CRAWLING ALL OVER IT AND THROUGH IT AND ITS DRY AND DESICATED AND STINKS AND YELLOW AND BROWN AND THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS DROP IT AND TRUN AWAY DISGUSTED. THAT’S WHATS INSIDE ME. THAT’S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE INSIDE ME. THAT’S WHAT I AVOID.I HATE IT. I HATE ME. AND SOMETIMES I CAN FEEL IT SEEPING OUT THROUGH MY SKIN AND I HAVE TO CUT IT OUT AND I FEEL LIKE ALL THE FAT ON MY BODY IS OOZING THIS STUFF. ITS LIKE A SIGNPOST. TO HOW UGLY I AM. SO I BINGE TO NUMB AND TO GET IT OUT. THE PURGING IS GETTING IT OUT SO I FEEL EMPTY. SO WHEN ALL THE PIECES OF ME CAN BE MANAGED SO THAT THEY FIT TOGETHER THIS WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE MIDDLE STOPPING THE WHOLE THING FROM HAPPENING. AND WHAT I WONDER IS WHETHERE THIS EVILNESS INSIDE IS PUT THERE BY DAD AND HIS HATRED OF ME AND IVE INTERNALISED THAT OR WHETHER THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY WRONG WITH ME. AND THE OTHER QUESTION OF COURSE IS IF IT WAS PUT THERE BY HIM MAUBE ITS POSSIBLE TO TAKE IT TOU AND SEE THAT ITS POSSIBLE TO LIVE ANOTHER WAY. THE WAY I WANT. BUT IF ITS ME. IF ITS JUST IN ME AND ITS ME. IF THAT’S WHO I AM. THEN I AM. THAT IS ALSO I REMEMBER NOW. ITS ALSO THE PART OF ME THAT’S HIM. I AM SICK AND WRONG. THAT’S IN ME. THAT’S NOT HIM. THAT’S ME. SO NO WONDER I WANT TO DIE. THAT’S WHAT I AVOID.
god im so scared and it hurts so much.

((biiv)) Having "ssen" my own "evil" as you call it, I don't fear yours, thats because your not evil, evil acts may have been done to you! Imagine a new born baby, how pure and innocent it is, then see the world as we see it with adult eyes and imagine what chance a baby has to protect itself against such "evilness", it can't it can only survive the best way it can and at times that means internalising its "caretakers", but as an adult we can change all of this, we can rid ourselfs of the evil done to "us"! You are not what you think you are, but you have been harmed. If you can look at your pain and not be "it" that will help.

I hope I've made a little sense, if I were with you I would gladly sit and hold your hand :-)

Biiv, i don't think you have an evil inside of you or it would have taken over by now. you are fighting it and need to continue the fight. i don't think people see the things in you that you fear. what your father did does not have to become a part of you.

You are hurting so much, i feel so bad for you. i will be sending kind thoughts your way.

thank you both

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{biiv}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Oh Hon, I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad about yourself. It is so hard to feel confortable in our own skin. It was worst for me when I was younger than now. But still at times I wish I could just forget about all the pieces inside that seemed to never get together.
You are not certanly alone, I'm here for you anytime~

Biiv,

I can really relate to how you feel. In my experience, the things I have done to try to feel better - really, to numb the pain -- whether it was substances, sex, screaming, or whatever, all just made me feel worse in the end, like I had become evil like those who were evil to me. It can feel like I crossed a line and became like them. It's like an infection I can't get rid of no matter how much I hate it and try to stop acting like it. And I have been afraid I would never make it back to who I really was, before the abuse began.

So, now I do things differently when I feel like I don't deserve to be loved or respected for what I have done to cope with my pain. Instead of hurting and hating myself, I try to first do something good for myself, something healthy, even simple things like going for a walk, buying a favorite food, or calling a friend even if I don't think I deserve a friend. Then I write down the good stuff in a journal that is only for good stuff -- none of the pain, just what is good in my day. All this helps me take one step forward and affirms my worth as a person, no matter how injured I am.

You deserved better than you got in life. It's hard to recover and hard to give yourself a better life, but you are worth it and you are not alone in your struggle.

Be well,

mtd

The fact that you are so desperately fighting this "evil" and that you do not want to be like this, already says that you aren't... Life is about choices in the end... sometimes I feel the need to go out and get high, to get rid of myself and my thoughts... to give in to the junkie insied of me... but I CHOOSE not to do it.... We all have good and bad parts constantly fighting inside of us, it is up to us which one we choose to listen to...

You definately are NOT evil or bad... if you were, you would not hae this dillemma... You are in fact strong and capable and at least trying to be honest with yourself... trying to figure out who you are...

thank you everyone so much. i dont have any words right now. i will be re reading this thread many times i think.

((((((( biiv )))))))))

((((((pixie)))))) thanks for hugs. like hugs.

(((((((((((biiv)))))))))))
you are not alone!!!

just back from T. feel completely wrung out. actually gave her a copy of my first post on this thread. actually it was a bit longer. but only a bit. didnt think i could. even took me quite a while a lot of the session to do it. then after i just could do nothing but stare at the floor and zone out. got that tune 'half a pound of tuppenny rice, half a pound of treacle, mix them up and make them nice, pop goes the weasle' running through my head and had to keep dragging myself back cos she was asking me stuff.
then the tears just started coming and i couldnt stop them so i ended up sitting there crying for a second, getting them to stop and instantly crying again for another second. that went on for the rest of the session. cant believe i actually told her i might be overreacting cos its a bad time of the month. i NEVER talk about stuff like that with people i dont know. not unless they bring it up at least. and even not really then. i might say 'me too' or 'i know' but thats it. god. im so embarassed and mortified. i was so so stupid. i cant even think of what she must think of me.
i asked her to keep the paper cos i couldnt stand the thought of focusing on it long enough to take it back from her and put it in my pocket.
she wants to see me again on monday and says if im still as upset she might want to see me again next wednesday too. god she must think im such a freak.
she was saying it was the beginning of a process and i was brave for starting but i cant see how. i just cant see it being anything but the end of the process. there is nowhere else to go from here. now i just have to create my very own one member leper colony so only i can only hurt myself and no one else has to see me. yet there must be something in me that made me even go this evening. and i ll go back on monday. after that... i really dont know. but i ll try one more session at least out of curiosity to see if she knows something i dont.
she said some nice things and i just felt like mud. when i said i wished she wouldnt say things like that she just repeated them stronger and i felt even worse. like im cheating and accepting praise where its not due. though its confusing too cos she knows whats in the post and she still says it. she knows what i deserve and still says nice things?
maybe on monday she ll have had time to take in what i wrote and will have come to her senses and backed off and wont want to see me again. that would kill whatever is left inside me but at the same time it wont surprise me in the slightest. and at least it ll be in keeping with how the world works.
wow im tired. i dont know what im thinking.
thank you everyone so much for all your support. i just wanted to write this to let you all know i did show her the post. so thanks.
biiv