[FaithisAlive]

Please know this story may be very triggering and I would feel just awful if someone were to suffer from reading my story so please be careful!

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Okay, i have been told all my life how i was so afraid of my father as a 6 month old baby that I would claw and scream and thrash and throw myself backwards whenever he tried to pick me up or hold me.As sick as it sounds, I believe he was already " exploring" me then.

The summer before 2nd grade, every hair in my head fell out. i was told it was from playing in a mudhole, but 6 years ago my mother told me the doctor had told them it happened from trauma but she said i never suffered any trauma.Just knowing I had been lied to about it all my life told me it meant more than she said it did.Maybe thats the first time he really did anything significant to me that i reacted to.

i can still see myself in the bathtub when my mother was washing my hair and she screamed at my dad to come in there;I had the appearance of a shell-shocked baby in a war zone.. blank stare... no emotion... i can't remember feeling anything about it when it happened.

About that same time i think, ( I am still missing most of the pieces in my memory)we moved.Life became openly sexual in our home. By that I mean that we all were not allowed to come out of our bedrooms with clothes on unless we were leaving to go somewhere. yet we were not allowed to stay in our rooms.( I have 3 brothers).

My parents both would be naked also.This is how it was. I can remember my dad making me sit with him in his recliner chair and he would always put my hand "down there" and make me fondle him.My mother would sit on the couch watching tv masturbating herself. My brothers would be lying on the floor watching tv as alot of kids will do.

I remember one time I was lying on the floor with 2 of my brothers and one was sitting with dad and he had to do the touching, and although I was glad it wasn't me that time,I hated it for him.

I remember my mother putting me into poses for my father to take pictures with his polaroid camera.. the kind you had to peel the layer off of and let it dry. He had tons of pictures of her in poses like you would see in Playboy and Hustler. Me too.There was always a Playboy calander hanging on the living room wall and Playboy pictures hanging on the kitchen wall.The magazines were all over the house.

We were taken to nudist colonies and one time we were asked to leave because I refused to take my clothes off so we could hang out there. I was in so much trouble for that!My father was charged with attempted rape of my best friends sister.. she was 17, i was about 9 I think. I was devestated by the loss of my friends.. once the neighborhood found out, I was outcast by the kids. We moved away.

When i was 13 my father made me massage my breasts with vaseline in the living room every night for one hour " to make them develop into large breasts" according to him. my mother and my brothers were always in the room too, watching tv.If I refused or cried about it, I would have to do it longer, or my older brother would have to do it for me.. with me lying on the floor and him sitting on top of me.

Two of my brothers had sex with me quite often and I never felt I had a choice, they never stopped when I told them to..they felt entitled I guess.My father did alot of things to me sexually in an effort to teach me what a woman needs to know in order to be wanted by her husband.. so I could be a good wife.Thats what he said.

I remember telling him one time I was afraid to get pregnant and he told me had taken care of that so I didn't have to worry and he then explained to me about a vasectomy. I think I was 14 then because i had started my period and thats why i was worried. I do not recall any intercourse, but my therapist thinks it happened.I thought he had the vasectomy so he could have sex with me.

I can't seem to FEEL anything.. Numbness mostly. I only started to have vivid memories when he died.. 6 years ago.. and i started therapy one year ago for depression because I have fibromyalgia.I had always remembered being abused but i thought my mom was the good guy until he did die and i found out i was wrong about that.

I have been struggling.I have alot of emotional work to do but i have already done alot.I have lived a double life for so long.. the one that was real and the one i showed the world, and now i am having to sort it all out.. whats real and whats not real.

Two of my brothers are in prison for child molestation, and my mother is devoted to them.. going to visit every weekend and making sure they have money, and writing to them frequently.I have alot of issue with her.But its not anger or hatred.. i have yet to feel those emotions and my therapist is worried about that I can be angry for other people who have been abused, but not for myself.I try.

There is so much more but i know i have already rambled on with it this far and i am not feeling like i am in a very good place myself right now.. panic attack building.. i feel it heating my face.. temperature rising..so thats it for now...

If you read all of this.. thank you for sticking out til the end.. and I pray nobody was triggered... thanks alot for listening!

[PasDeDeux]

I was not triggered at all and read it all. I am so sorry and mad at your mom and dad. I believe mom and dad set your brothers up to be what they are now. I can understand on one level why you cannot be mad at mom. I am so sorry. I think the work you have done on this is good you remember a lot and you and T have spoken on the feelings you have yet to feel. I read once depression is anger turned inward. HUGE SAFE HUGS

[Evangelista]

Dear FaithisAlive...

First and foremost..I am so sorry you have to endure the legacy of sexual abuse, but speaking from a Survivor’s stand point you are an amazing and valuable person who has been able to live with the pain and struggles that survivors of this type of chronic abuse do.
I hope that you keep posting and find strength, knowledge, and empowerment as you go thru the process of healing..you are in my deepest thoughts..take care…and remember to breathe after you post such intense stuff..so can relate to the panicky feeling after doing so…be gentle with yourself..

[JustAPixie]

Dear FaithisAlive

The fact that you are able to tell your story is remarkable on it's own. So many of us struggle with the things that we have been through, but we have yet to reach the point where we can talk about it honestly without "sugar coating" it. I think it's time you focus on yourself and what you need in life, forget about the rest. I wish I could give you a hug...

You sound very brave and strong, despite what you went through, I hope you can find that inner strenght to keep fighting and one day beat this demon that is haunting you. Someone once told me that abuse is like an injury. It takes time and care to heal least it get infected. But it does heal in the end. After that you are left with the scar of remembrance, but the pain is gone. As survivors I believe it is our duty to get better and help others... the world is a sick place.

Tanya

[jennie]

((((((huggs))))))))

I've experienced sexual assault, molestation, exploitation, and emotional abuse from my father for many years.

For me, I find it easier addressing my issues with my father than with my mother. (Not that dealing with my father is easy . . . it's very triggering so I avoid him and anyone who reminds me of him at all costs.) It hurts me more knowing my mother did not protect me as a child and still to this day supports her relationship with my father versus a relationship with me. That hurt little girl inside of me still longs for her Mommy. Why can't I stop needing her? Why do I still continue an unhealthy relationship with her? I'm very angry with my mother. But not once have I expressed anger towards her. Am I that afraid of hurting her feelings? I think I am more afraid of "feeling" those very hurt emotions inside of me. I'm afraid to cry and ask my questions why and then hear her empty replies why she was not there for me. It's really hard work.

FaithisAlive . . . you are brave for working through this issues. Sounds like your whole family is sick. You did what you had to survive, but now you can begin your journey to true happiness, as you free yourself from your past. (((((((huggs))))))))

faith, i cannot express how sorry i am to read that. it is upsetting to read but thats to be expected.

i am so proud of you for having the courage to be able to speak out about such traumatic experiences. your parents sound dis-illusioned. people such as your parents should not be aloud to have children.

i am glad that you understand that this was wrong for your parents to do, and that you will never inflict this treatment onto someone else. unfortunately, your brothers arent as lucky as you.

may i ask, how old are you now faith? how long ago did this all happen? i know you said your father passed away 6 years ago, but how long before then did this happen?

the reason your mum is so attached to your brothers is because she is similar to them, she feels the same things they do. but it is not their fault. she must see her husband (you father) in them so she is attracted to them. are you unhappy you dont have this bond with her?

its ok to feel so bad after posting, you are cleansing your mind of all the evilness you endured as a child, so its not going to be speedy or easy.

i suffered abuse from my 16 year old brother when i was 10, he used to make me "play" with him and perform oral sex with him on several occasions. i know how hard it is to deal with this type of issue. but please know i am here for you at anytime if you should ever need me. just pm me ok, even if its just to get minor problems off your chest.

i hope you continue to battle with these demons that are following you, and i hope you continue to know we are all here for you.

take care of number 1 faith.

speak soon

simon

[Sarah116]

Your Parents are sick! I feel so sorry for you! I hope you are doing fine and that they should have been out in jail for the rest of their lives! That is wrong and they must of had some bad problems! They are sick! Again i hope you are fine and doing well! Sarah

[Rhapsody]

I AM soooooo SORRY - ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

I say nothing else in fear that I will not be able to stop.... for I to have suffered greatly at the hands of others, some were even family.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Determined]

You made one point that tells me I am healing. I can be mad at those who hurt me and I do try to maintain that what they did was wrong. It gets frustrating at time to maintain this because it would be easier to allow that kind of behavior to be appropriate as it was for so many years. You can mix it up in your head because it was so ingrained for years to be okay to change that in one day isn't easy. You can say you are healing because of the feelings you had at the end are anger. You were shutting it off once again the minute they began. You have a right to be angry. When the time is right you can be assertive in maintaining the idea that you have a right to be angry, it won't mean you act on the anger just admit it. Here is a story that may inspire you to know, I have a friend from China. When she was a child she was badly beaten and molested by individuals she didn't even know. She now lives in the United States and is married to a man and has two kids. Though there is one visual reminder of her trama she lives with everyday. She is crippled. She doesn't say exactly what happened but she walks with wrist crutches. Her legs were badly hurt from the abuse she sustained. She is stronger than I could ever be because she has gone on and learned to live again. The conversation ends after she tells them the injuries were during her time as a child from abuse. I can't ask her more but I am glad she has a family that loves her now.

[heartspace]

(((Faith)))