[sparkle]

Hi everyone. I'm new. I don't know if I'm allowed to post on here without permission or something so if I'm doing wrong please tell me, cause if you don't know you never will. I've been coming here for a few days looking for people to talk to. I was sexually abused by my own father and other men from the age of 4 to 16. I havn't got any professional help to deal with it.. I guess I'm scared cause I know its made me a different person. I'm scared of being drugged up and stuff. I kept a diary of my abuse from almost the start. I have these strange feelings all the time, some too shamefull to admit to anyone. My mother hates me completely, she's told me to my face she wishes I was never born. Its made me sick, you know i constantly seek out daddy/daughter roleplay. I seek out a lot more. I have 2 children, 3 and 6, both boys. I would never touch them but I'm scared that if i tell someone abotu me they'll take them off me for what i seek out. I try to stop myself and try to be 'normal' and do 'normal' sexual things but I always go back to my fantasies, well in my head anyway. I recently met a man online, havn't met him for real yet. I'm so scared. He's made me completely nuts to the point i can't stop thinking about things. Anyway I've posted enough, I'm sure I shouldn't be saying this on here. Sorry if I offended.

[heatherm]

Hello Sparkle and welcome to the boards

I am so sorry you have had such a hard time with your life so far. Yes you are a different person but do not be ashamed at who you are. You are not alone in your struggles.

I do think that you should talk with your doctor and be referred to a good therapist and /or pdoc who can help you through your thoughts and work through this.

Reaching out to us here is a terrific big step and it shows how much courage you have. Stay strong and keep us posted.


Heather

[sparkle]

Thank you Heather. I KNOW I need to see my doctor, but I'm unsure. I was hoping I could just get a referal you know without telling my docs the in's and outs of my past. Do you think thats possible? Anyway thanks for the welcome, it means a lot to me to be welcomed.

[conklinca]

Thank you for posting. It helps others to know they are not alone.

Just so you know, seeking help does not mean you have to take meds. Sometimes they can help, but from what I understand, you cannot be forced to take them unless you got in a legal problem so that you were court ordered to do so.

"Strange feelings" that feel shameful and trying to recreate the abuse through fantasy and/or role play are normal reactions to abuse as your mind tries to make sense of what happened to you. These are not reasons why someone should take your children from you. In fact, a counselor should admire your courage in seeking help for such a difficult issue--and I would advise you to seek help, since you are concerned about your reactions, and a therapist can help you deal with them more productively.

[sparkle]

Thankyou all for taking your time to read my post and thanks for the advice. I have been thinking a lot about seeing advice lately. It would be so good to sit down with someone like a therapist and tell them everything, I've never told anyone everything before. I've just got to plck up the courage to see my doctor and ask for a referal.. (she's a little daunting). Hopefully I won't have to tell HER a lot about myself or my past, maybe she will just refer me if I tell her what I've been feeling lately. Well I will only know if i try. I'll keep you posted as to how I go on. And thanks again.

x x x sparkle

[4hope]

Sparkle
I am new here too. I want to welcome you. One thing I wanted to caution you on is meeting people on line can be dangerous if you decide to meet them outside of cyberspace. Just proceed with caution. I am sorry for your past abuse, it is a lot to struggle with as we get older. Maybe talking to a good therapist can get all those inner feelings out. It is good you kept a diary of things, maybe one day you will want to write a book about what happened. Writing is very theraputic. Good luck to you.
4peace

You are of God little children and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. 1 John 4:4