[growlithing]

My mom and I look almost exactly alike. If she had brown hair and blue eyes, we could be twins. Our voices sound nearly identical, some of our basic mannerisms are similar and it kills me because I feel like I can't escape her.

My mom physically and emotionally abused me throughout my entire life. She's so controlling she never let me be my own person and I spent my entire life trying to separate myself from her and I feel like I can't because I see her every morning when I look in the mirror.

I hate the way I look. I want to change everything about my face. I want to get a new voice. I want to escape and forget what she's done to me but I can't when I am reminded every day. I hate being around mirrors. I avoid them like the plague.

[blueredgrey]

Hun....I look exactly like my father....people say I'm a photocopy of his (though I'm a girl). And...my father molested me. Forcibly kissed me, fondled my privates and chest. To say that I'm reminded of him, everytime I look in the mirror is an understatement!

But somewhere down the line you need to realise that your exterior looks are just a very, very, very small part of you! There's a whole new level of you. Your thoughts, your actions, empathy for others, love for others, your inner beauty, your achievements, people who love you (even if they are not your parents), your tiny cute flaws, your education,, etc....all that makes you who you are. And that's something your mother would never, ever, ever be able to match up with.

I think emotionally, you need to detach away from your mother. Let her not define you in ANY way. If possible, move out and rediscover who you are. You are a person with your own thoughts and your mother NEEDS to realise it. If she can't...just stop expecting anything.....understand that you expecting your mother to understand your point of view is like asking blind to see colours.

Get some solid therapy, which can help you erase the wounds. Blame liberally your mother for all your flaws and all the love you didn't get. Once you are healed, also forgive your mother....perhaps her parents were like that. Flawed parents result in flawed parents. Maybe helping her with a catharsis of her bad parents MAY help you to a small extent.

Also, write a journal about all the times your mother hurt you. Sometimes, even if we may remember the incident, writing and reading it, brings a certain amount of closure to the incident. I think it's because memories and the reading/writing part and 2 different parts of brain.

Slowly, you would learn to dissociate you mother and embrace the true you. You are hurting inside girl...you need to heal that ....but you are only seeing the problem as skin deep!

[A Red Panda]

This is probably going to sound absolutely silly... but maybe it could make you laugh a little bit.

You know how in cartoons there's sometimes the Angel and the Devil that show up on character's shoulders? The Good Voice and the Bad Voice? When you think about the similarities between you and your mom... remember that she's the Bad Voice and you're the Good Voice.

I doubt that it would really help with anything... but maybe it will a tiny little bit.

[skeksi]

I think I understand--my abuser is a sibling and he and I look and sound similar. Sometimes it's hard for me to look in the mirror. I have to do things to try to make myself look (to me, anyway) as different from him as possible. It's still hard when I catch a look of myself and notice it, though. So you're not alone with this frustration.

This is disconcerting to me too ...

I hate it when I see their features in myself.

It's like an extra slap in the face directly from them.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by copywriter1

Hun....I look exactly like my father....people say I'm a photocopy of his (though I'm a girl). And...my father molested me. Forcibly kissed me, fondled my privates and chest. To say that I'm reminded of him, everytime I look in the mirror is an understatement!

But somewhere down the line you need to realise that your exterior looks are just a very, very, very small part of you! There's a whole new level of you. Your thoughts, your actions, empathy for others, love for others, your inner beauty, your achievements, people who love you (even if they are not your parents), your tiny cute flaws, your education,, etc....all that makes you who you are. And that's something your mother would never, ever, ever be able to match up with.

I think emotionally, you need to detach away from your mother. Let her not define you in ANY way. If possible, move out and rediscover who you are. You are a person with your own thoughts and your mother NEEDS to realise it. If she can't...just stop expecting anything.....understand that you expecting your mother to understand your point of view is like asking blind to see colours.

Get some solid therapy, which can help you erase the wounds. Blame liberally your mother for all your flaws and all the love you didn't get. Once you are healed, also forgive your mother....perhaps her parents were like that. Flawed parents result in flawed parents. Maybe helping her with a catharsis of her bad parents MAY help you to a small extent.

Also, write a journal about all the times your mother hurt you. Sometimes, even if we may remember the incident, writing and reading it, brings a certain amount of closure to the incident. I think it's because memories and the reading/writing part and 2 different parts of brain.

Slowly, you would learn to dissociate you mother and embrace the true you. You are hurting inside girl...you need to heal that ....but you are only seeing the problem as skin deep!

The problem is that I literally have no love for myself or my body because I feel so ugly all the time. I hate who I am so much I can't look in a mirror. Sometimes looking in a mirror upsets me so much, I want to SH on my face. I won't do that because I don't want the scars but that is how much I hate looking the way I do. I get so angry because it looks like my mom.

My parents did come from bad parents. The trouble is that if I try to rationalize it, I start blaming myself for the abuse. I start thinking that the reason I was abused was because I was a bad kid and that I am pathetic for feeling the way I do.

[blueredgrey]

Originally Posted by growlithing

The problem is that I literally have no love for myself or my body because I feel so ugly all the time. I hate who I am so much I can't look in a mirror. Sometimes looking in a mirror upsets me so much, I want to SH on my face. I won't do that because I don't want the scars but that is how much I hate looking the way I do. I get so angry because it looks like my mom.

My parents did come from bad parents. The trouble is that if I try to rationalize it, I start blaming myself for the abuse. I start thinking that the reason I was abused was because I was a bad kid and that I am pathetic for feeling the way I do.

Hey. pls understand, you were NOT a bad kid. You were abused because your parents were abusers. You need to repeat this to your self everyday, until you truly believe that....coz that's a FACT.

If you have depression, (which it sounds like), please consider therapy.

You need to shut your voice which constantly criticizes you. Without that, you'd never learn to love yourself. Just like we share a relationship with others, we also share a relationship with us. There's a little child inside you, scared of all the abuse, which has stopped developing emotionally.

You need to give your inner child a hug and tell that it's okay....whatever it is, you both will tackle it together.

Currently you are telling your inner child that she is ugly, because she looks like her mother. She needs to change her voice to become more acceptable.

I wish to tell you again. The problem is not your looks. The problem is you are hurting inside. That's what you need to address.

Basically, dear, you are abusing yourself.

Stop that! You deserve love. You deserve admiration. You deserve a little pampering. You deserve all the care. Because you are special. Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated dear!

I have a request for you. Please open a notepad. Jot down 10 things you like about yourself.........could be anything....like you cook well, you have a good smile....etc. Write 5 things you don't like about yourself....maybe body, looks...whatever.

Write about a life that would make you happy.....great job, good husband, good education, good house, a trip to foreign land maybe? Just write all that and think what you need to get there. Start working on that.

All that hurt, all the hatred for looks........all that it temporary....provided you address the real issue........comfort and heal the inner child in you, which is still weeping.

All the best!

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by copywriter1

Hey. pls understand, you were NOT a bad kid. You were abused because your parents were abusers. You need to repeat this to your self everyday, until you truly believe that....coz that's a FACT.

If you have depression, (which it sounds like), please consider therapy.

You need to shut your voice which constantly criticizes you. Without that, you'd never learn to love yourself. Just like we share a relationship with others, we also share a relationship with us. There's a little child inside you, scared of all the abuse, which has stopped developing emotionally.

You need to give your inner child a hug and tell that it's okay....whatever it is, you both will tackle it together.

Currently you are telling your inner child that she is ugly, because she looks like her mother. She needs to change her voice to become more acceptable.

I wish to tell you again. The problem is not your looks. The problem is you are hurting inside. That's what you need to address.

Basically, dear, you are abusing yourself.

Stop that! You deserve love. You deserve admiration. You deserve a little pampering. You deserve all the care. Because you are special. Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated dear!

I have a request for you. Please open a notepad. Jot down 10 things you like about yourself.........could be anything....like you cook well, you have a good smile....etc. Write 5 things you don't like about yourself....maybe body, looks...whatever.

Write about a life that would make you happy.....great job, good husband, good education, good house, a trip to foreign land maybe? Just write all that and think what you need to get there. Start working on that.

All that hurt, all the hatred for looks........all that it temporary....provided you address the real issue........comfort and heal the inner child in you, which is still weeping.

All the best!

But I was a bad kid. I never listened when adults told me to do stuff. I was expelled from preschool for sassing the teacher. I was sent to the office nearly everyday in elementary school. I have ADHD and instead of treating me, they tried to beat me into submission. If I were normal, none of this would have happened. The emotional abuse was just an overwhelmed mother trying to help me.

I am in therapy. I haven't seen my T in 16 weeks but I am seeing her today so that is good. It isn't really clear if I am depressed or just damaged.

I know I am abusing myself. I don't know how to get myself to stop or to even just convince myself thar I don't deserve it. I can't even think of 2 things I like about myself, let alone 10. Whenever I said anything positive about myself as a kid, my mom told me to stop being so arrogant. I also don't believe I am capable of getting all those things that would make me happy. I believe I might be able to get my dream job. I don't think any man will ever want me and if he does, he probably will be horribly abusive because there has to be something wrong with him that made all of the better women reject him.

[A Red Panda]

Growly: You know what? Once you learn that your parents are not trustable adults, or that they don't care... it is not easy to trust teachers or any other adults. You learned patterns from your parents, and you naturally applied those everywhere else.

And in school, to get treatements for things like ADHD, you need the permission from adults. Your parents likely declined any interventions and claimed that you were fine. (It happens a lot).

I'm so sorry that you feel the way that you do. It isn't fair that you've been trained to think like that about yourself

[blueredgrey]

Originally Posted by growlithing

But I was a bad kid. I never listened when adults told me to do stuff. I was expelled from preschool for sassing the teacher. I was sent to the office nearly everyday in elementary school. I have ADHD and instead of treating me, they tried to beat me into submission. If I were normal, none of this would have happened. The emotional abuse was just an overwhelmed mother trying to help me.

I am in therapy. I haven't seen my T in 16 weeks but I am seeing her today so that is good. It isn't really clear if I am depressed or just damaged.

I know I am abusing myself. I don't know how to get myself to stop or to even just convince myself thar I don't deserve it. I can't even think of 2 things I like about myself, let alone 10. Whenever I said anything positive about myself as a kid, my mom told me to stop being so arrogant. I also don't believe I am capable of getting all those things that would make me happy. I believe I might be able to get my dream job. I don't think any man will ever want me and if he does, he probably will be horribly abusive because there has to be something wrong with him that made all of the better women reject him.

You were NOT a bad kid. Your parents were bad parents! You're telling you had ADHD....guess what relation between abuse and ADHD is heavily under-researched. (even I have ADHD....and I was sexually abused. I didn't have ADHD in my child, it started after abuse). You perhaps had ADHD because you were being abused (but only a doc can confirm that).

You were defiant in school........because frustrations of abuse at home made you behave that way. You had to show your frustrations of your gross mistreatment somewhere. If you showed your frustrations at home....that would have invited more abuse.....so you showed at other place - school.

You hated teachers, because your parents were poor role models, which made you hate adults in general.

You ABUSE is at the centre of all your problems.

First, please stop taking your performance at school and your teachers words, etc. to your heart. They perhaps had no idea what you were going through. And, half the teachers ARE frustrated individuals stuck in jobs they did not want.

Second, STOP BLAMING YOURSELF SO MUCH.....YOU WERE ONLY A KID!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kids deserve only unconditional love.....but instead your mother told lies about how bad you are!!!!!!!!

For kids, home should be the place they'd ALWAYS be safe, protected by parents.....world outside is a cruel place. That's what helps them grow emotionally. But in your case....you never had that!!!! Your own parents ATTACKED you. Home was a violent place, where you never knew what ugly would happen.

No child deserves that!!! It's like.......your mother robbed you of your childhood!! A person may survive a thousand bricks thrown by the world, but even a pebble thrown by family leaves a wound for a lifetime!!!!!

Even your school should have tried to get the root of your problem....they didn't!!!!!!

So dear, you told me you couldn't even list 2 positive things about you.....you atleast have 1!!! So that's a good start.

As you heal inside, that list would grow longer. Separate yourself emotionally from your mom. Divorce her in your mind. She no longer should have any control over you. Don't listen to anything she said.

Whatever she said about you are completely untrue! Write in a paper whatever she said about you in a piece of paper.....write all incidents where she hurt you. BURN THAT PAPER.

With that burning, all that she said would become null and void (because they are).

Third, I'm not sure if you have completed school or not.....if you have not....please enroll and complete it. Get education that would help you get a decent job....empower yourself so that you don't have to even financially dependent on your mother. I'm sure your therapist can help you with that....maybe recommend...I don't know.

Fourth.....You are hurt now. Don't expect the hurt to go away immediately. It takes many baby steps. Today you are feeling awful....you are hurting. Try everyday to cheer yourself up. You owe that to yourself. Start you day with chant of "I am special. I deserve love. I deserve care. I deserve a little pampering".

Hurt doesn't heal, unless you try......EVERYDAY! Stop self harming. You may succeed one day.....not so successful tomorrow.....but you have to keep trying!!!

Fifth......please exercise. Exercising releases endorphins. Endorphins make you feel good. It gives you the attitude of "Yes...I can!"

Sixth......just believe. Believe in a brighter tomorrow and also believe that you HAVE the power to change your life. All people who have come out of tough situations, came out solely because they believed!

From my interactions with you, you do come across as a very smart, intelligent girl. You know ALL your problems stem from abuse in the hands of your mother. That's HALF the battle won. I know you can turn this situation around. Every diamond has to abrased roughly before it can shine.

This moment in your life is your acid test. On the other side, you will come across - wiser, braver, stronger and smarter.

Finally, I can't emphasise this enough........please see a therapist. We ALL are messed up people. Messed minds can't treat messed minds......you need someone sand to guide you.

Good luck dear!!

[blueredgrey]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I don't think any man will ever want me and if he does, he probably will be horribly abusive because there has to be something wrong with him that made all of the better women reject him.

Just wanted to add, you have very low self esteem....because of your abuse.

Our first idea of love comes from our parents...which is pure, unconditional love. We slowly learn to expand this love to siblings, friends and later spouse. Your concept of love is warped because you did not receive unconditional love from your parents. You think abuse is part and parcel of love.

It is not.

When you were young, you were vulnerable and helpless.....abused by the very people who are supposed to protect you. But when you become an adult, you have you to defend yourself.

You will enter an abusive relationship ONLY if you allow yourself to be abused. Demand what you deserve.

You can find a good loving husband only when you love yourself. Finding true love begins with unconditional self love
Just as you can't tell anyone else that you'd love them more if they were "smarter", "better looking", "better earning", etc.....the same goes for yourself too.

Learn to love yourself first.....unconditionally.

Only when you have healed your wounds and accepted yourself, you'd be equipped to find true love. And by true love, I don't mean the happily ever after that's shown in movies. Relationships require lot of compromise and work. But by true love, I mean someone -

- around whom you can be yourself, comfortably and it's the same from them.
- who has similar temperament to yours
- whom you are happy to just see them happy and it's the same from them.
- whom you are happy to see succeed, even if you fail at it, and it's the same from them.
- for whom you are happy to work hard....just to make them smile.and it's the same from them.

But all that is far away.

Your conquering your mind monsters is priority and each person has to face their own struggle to get there.

All the best!!

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by copywriter1

Just wanted to add, you have very low self esteem....because of your abuse.

Our first idea of love comes from our parents...which is pure, unconditional love. We slowly learn to expand this love to siblings, friends and later spouse. Your concept of love is warped because you did not receive unconditional love from your parents. You think abuse is part and parcel of love.

It is not.

When you were young, you were vulnerable and helpless.....abused by the very people who are supposed to protect you. But when you become an adult, you have you to defend yourself.

You will enter an abusive relationship ONLY if you allow yourself to be abused. Demand what you deserve.

You can find a good loving husband only when you love yourself. Finding true love begins with unconditional self love
Just as you can't tell anyone else that you'd love them more if they were "smarter", "better looking", "better earning", etc.....the same goes for yourself too.

Learn to love yourself first.....unconditionally.

Only when you have healed your wounds and accepted yourself, you'd be equipped to find true love. And by true love, I don't mean the happily ever after that's shown in movies. Relationships require lot of compromise and work. But by true love, I mean someone -

- around whom you can be yourself, comfortably and it's the same from them.
- who has similar temperament to yours
- whom you are happy to just see them happy and it's the same from them.
- whom you are happy to see succeed, even if you fail at it, and it's the same from them.
- for whom you are happy to work hard....just to make them smile.and it's the same from them.

But all that is far away.

Your conquering your mind monsters is priority and each person has to face their own struggle to get there.

All the best!!

I don't even know how to love myself. It's such a weird concept to me. How do I love someone when I can't reach out and hug them...? I can't love myself the way I love a friend because I'm not a separate person from myself. Is it just staring at yourself in the mirror and thinking "omg I love myself so much"? Thinking "I'm so pretty and awesome". Isn't that arrogant?

You can't teach someone to love another person, can you? I can't take two people and teach them to love each other. I thought you don't decide who you love. It's just something that happens. How can I be taught to love myself? I don't like myself and that's just how things happened to come out. If I were to tell myself that I do, I'd be a liar and I thought that lying is something that damages love.

I literally have no idea what self love even is.

[A Red Panda]

I think it's more of a self-acceptance really. It's about owning and not being ashamed of the things about you.

Going "I love my thumbs" is a step towards loving yourself. "I love it when other people are creative. I'm creative. Therefore I love that part of me." "I love that I've survived my childhood" and things like that.

It needs breaking down a lot more than loving someone else is, because you're not hating the other person or blaming them for being themselves. Whereas with ourselves... we tend to hate and be ashamed of who we are. So it's learning how to poke and prod and find the things in us that we would love in other people. And sometimes that requires twisting things around to get it worded into a positive thing that we can love.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I think it's more of a self-acceptance really. It's about owning and not being ashamed of the things about you.

Going "I love my thumbs" is a step towards loving yourself. "I love it when other people are creative. I'm creative. Therefore I love that part of me." "I love that I've survived my childhood" and things like that.

It needs breaking down a lot more than loving someone else is, because you're not hating the other person or blaming them for being themselves. Whereas with ourselves... we tend to hate and be ashamed of who we are. So it's learning how to poke and prod and find the things in us that we would love in other people. And sometimes that requires twisting things around to get it worded into a positive thing that we can love.

If we have to twist things, does that mean we are settling and overlooking the parts of ourselves that we don't like? I don't know if I could twist myself enough to like myself.

[A Red Panda]

no, it's not overlooking things and it's ok if there are some things we don't like. I'm not sure how to word it properly (way too tired today).

But like... ok. I am really stubborn. Normally this is considered a negative quality, and in fact quite a bit of the time it's a pain in the butt. But you know what? That normally negative trait has kept me alive many times. So I wouldn't trade it, and I am grateful that it's a part of me.

Another one is that I'm a picky eater. I hate this about myself, and I was made to feel absolutely horrible about it by my family growing up. To the extent that I am rather paranoid going to someone's house for dinner because I don't know what they'll do if I don't eat much of the meal. So once I got to university and had freedom, I started to experiment with more foods that I've never tasted before (like sushi, pad thai, curry, asparagus, whale, etc... all foods that my family never went near.). And you know what I learned? I'm actually NOT that picky, I just do not like the same bland and overcooked food that my family likes. So I learned that there was nothing wrong with me about that, and in fact I actually have a wide palette and will try lots of weird new foods at least once. So I turned that really negative self-view into a good one as I challenged my perception of it.

I'm also a bit TOO organized and routinebased (have had a lot of people make OCD-type comments to me) and can be a bit of a control freak. I look on it really negatively sometimes, but guess what? It makes running my class sooooo much easier and the students have a really consistent and productive year. So I wouldn't change it, even if it can be a pain in my personal life.

What I meant about twisting was more doing those things - finding the negative things and seeing if you can view them in a positive light. It can't be done about everything (for example, I hate that I can't take a compliment very well. I can't find a single positive thing about that) and I just have to accept that they're a part of me and still love who I am overall anyway. Because the other people that we love all have faults too.

[yellowted]

I never look in the mirror, that way I do not see my mother - one of my abusers looking back at me!
I deliberately keep my hair in a style and colour mother never had so I can convince myself that it is not mother I see in the shop window reflections!
it is possible to change accent in your voice, it took me a few years of consciously thinking about how I should say things before they became natural, but now no one ever guesses where I came from, often thinking I am not even from England!

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

no, it's not overlooking things and it's ok if there are some things we don't like. I'm not sure how to word it properly (way too tired today).

But like... ok. I am really stubborn. Normally this is considered a negative quality, and in fact quite a bit of the time it's a pain in the butt. But you know what? That normally negative trait has kept me alive many times. So I wouldn't trade it, and I am grateful that it's a part of me.

Another one is that I'm a picky eater. I hate this about myself, and I was made to feel absolutely horrible about it by my family growing up. To the extent that I am rather paranoid going to someone's house for dinner because I don't know what they'll do if I don't eat much of the meal. So once I got to university and had freedom, I started to experiment with more foods that I've never tasted before (like sushi, pad thai, curry, asparagus, whale, etc... all foods that my family never went near.). And you know what I learned? I'm actually NOT that picky, I just do not like the same bland and overcooked food that my family likes. So I learned that there was nothing wrong with me about that, and in fact I actually have a wide palette and will try lots of weird new foods at least once. So I turned that really negative self-view into a good one as I challenged my perception of it.

I'm also a bit TOO organized and routinebased (have had a lot of people make OCD-type comments to me) and can be a bit of a control freak. I look on it really negatively sometimes, but guess what? It makes running my class sooooo much easier and the students have a really consistent and productive year. So I wouldn't change it, even if it can be a pain in my personal life.

What I meant about twisting was more doing those things - finding the negative things and seeing if you can view them in a positive light. It can't be done about everything (for example, I hate that I can't take a compliment very well. I can't find a single positive thing about that) and I just have to accept that they're a part of me and still love who I am overall anyway. Because the other people that we love all have faults too.

I can do that. I am scattered in thought but it makes me an interesting person. The problem is that I don't even love the positive qualities of myself. They are just things I don't loathe. Maybe I don't hate myself. I just don't care about myself and want to harm myself when I make a mistake or someone says something mean to me. I dunno. I love my friends' flaws because I like that they are only human. Why do I expect perfection from myself when I hate people who try to come off that way?