[Lookupandsmile123]

First of all I'm really sorry because I know most you of advised me not to talk to the guy who used me and according to everybody sexually assualted me. I do appriciate what you all advised, I just needed to see for myself.

I didn't mention the sexual assualt as I knew that wasn't a good idea. We started talking normally and he started flirting with me and refering to sexual things that happened between us. But I asked him if he used me, ect. He told me what happened with us was a mistake, but kept claiming he didn't wanna hurt me. But then he stopped answering my messages for a few days so I sent him a long text, being really open with him which is hard for me especially with him, telling him how I had felt and refering to my self harming. And he sent back an awful message saying how I was twisting his words and that he didn't have time to worry about some lass who is crying about answers from something that happened two years ago... And now hes not answering because he said unless I change my tone hes not gunner bother. I've been nothing but nice to him, defended him to everyone. Never believed any bad of him (that he sexually assualted me ect). But I don't know how to deal with this atm, I am studying at college and am having to work really hard as I hope to be a doctor. I don't feel like anyone, at all, really understands what I'm feeling or how hard I'm finding it to cope everyday... I don't want to self harm again as I did the other day, really bad, and my boyfriend was so upset.

Has anybody got an opinon on this guy to help with my closure? Or any advice?

Thank you in advance

[shezbut]

In my experience, it takes time to accept the fact that the event/s was SA. Once we accept that aspect, we can move along significantly. Often, we lose what we once considered to be caring relationships. We find out who truly cares for us, and who doesn't when we come forward.

It is a difficult, but necessary, step that we all need to take. Going in for counseling also helps a lot, though I'd definitely advise you to seek a T that specializes in SA. Keep talking here, on PC, for further support as well.

Gentle hugs sent your way.

[Lookupandsmile123]

Thank you I am going to seek help through therapy, I hope I can accept it soon. I need to so I can move on. Thank you for your response. I'm really grateful :-)

Hugs back x

[nicoleflynn]

Yes, stay in therapy and have no further contact with the criminal; it will only cause you pain. He doesn't believe he committed a crime. I dislike the word, "closure" there are some things you can't forget and have to find a way to live with them. You might want to write a letter of "restorative justice___that means...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU, because it is rare that an abuser admits his crime........No contact.

[Bodiesneverfound]

Please don't talk to him again. I just made this mistake myself. I was in a four year relationship with someone I loved very much who had abused me emotionally, verbally and physically. He also raped me and for a long time I was unwilling to accept that it really was rape. I tried confronting him about it and he denied it and became physically abusive over it and broke up with me. Well I made the mistake of giving him a second chance and lying to myself about the rape issue (he'd never do that right?) and I started talking to him on the phone but he did just the same thing this guy did- he started twisting my words around and blaming me for the failure of our relationship and claiming I was abusive so I told him it was over and hung up on him. Even though everyone was telling me not to give him a second chance I felt I had to in order to get closure and when I realized he was not going to change I was able to accept the abuse for what it was and cut him out of my life. I hope you are able to do the same and please stay away from this guy- he is not going to give you an apology or admit what he did wrong so why upset yourself talking with him again? Keep getting therapy and move on with your life and don't let this incident define you. You are worth more than that and I wish you the best.

[blueredgrey]

Just give it some time dear. Learn to dissociate from this guy! I really have no idea why you are defending him so much....but I am sure you have your reasons....and I respect it.

Sometimes, when we fall hard for someone too fast, we form quick but deep impressions. I am assuming that he came around a time when you hit rock bottom in your life....and you see him as a saviour....knight in shining armour. You were dazzled by him so badly, that it turned you blind towards his evil side.

I mean......my father molested me several times, yet I defended him so much in my head. But as I healed, gave myself some time, dissociated from him, I really learned the true picture of him.

I mean...I don't hate him......he's my father....provided for me, my mom, my brother......but even then, he did something disgusting....and I will never forgive him for robbing my off my childhood. EOD, he was a situational child molester ....and it took me 17 yrs to get there (from disbelief of incidents, to admitting incidents but defending him, to questioning his true nature, to wondering if he was really bad, to being mad with him for ruining my life, to disconnect him from my life and seeing the true picture).

Give yourself some time. Spend time with your boyfriend without bringing the other guy into your life and conversation (he sounds like a real gem, sticking with you all the time ). Closure doesn't come within days, or months or sometimes in years.

But it does take a lot of time and a lot of effort. Try seeing the incidents from the third perspective (it's hard first, but will come). Even if you are unable to see him any other light, don't blame yourself for it.

Moving on is far more important that getting closure.

Good luck!!

[Lookupandsmile123]

Thank you Nicole, I an going to try not to have any further contact with him.

Thank you also bodiesneverfound. I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, I hope you're okay. I will try my best not to let this define me, I am going to therapy soon

Thank you for responding copywriter. I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, I just want to be able to see what everybody else sees he did wrong, but I cant. Because like you said, I was vulnerable and he was my hero. Thank you